My First Book Is Now Available!

 My new book is out!

If you have enjoyed the blog posts for the past twelve years, buy my first book! If you are wanting to do marriage better, or you are about to be married, or if you are dating someone and want to do the entire relationship thing better, this is the book for you.

You'll discover:

-the thing that causes all conflict in relationships, especially marriage

-why the ten o' clock hour is the most important one of the day

-the four types of parent you want to avoid

-how God heals through grief and loss

-why your spouse isn't hearing what you are actually saying and how to communicate effectively

-why winning an argument should never be the goal

-much, much more

It's available on Amazon at the link provided. Get it today and I hope you enjoy it! I truly hope it will be a tremendous blessing to you and your home. Thanks for purchasing!

https://www.amazon.com/Eight-Things-Wish-Knew-Before-ebook/dp/B0BRVTCM1F

Why I Worry When I Hear that Someone is "On Fire" For God

Most of us would admit that we are far better at STARTING things than we are at finishing things. 

Staying faithful to our commitments is one of the most difficult (it seems) things in life. Committing to marriage and staying married for fifty or sixty years, committing to a healthy lifestyle and STAYING with that healthy lifestyle, committing to a task and staying committed to that task- the people who do those things are the ones who will do well in this world.

We all know people who were committed to something but aren't anymore. People who were committed to their church or the Christian faith but aren't anymore, people who were committed to a job but aren't anymore, people who were committed in marriage but aren't anymore- the list goes on. 

We truly are a bipolar society- getting fired up about the new thing, boldly proclaiming our commitment to it, and then tiring of it quickly and moving on to the next thing. In fact, the louder and more passionate the proclamation a person makes about something, the more likely (I've observed) that it won't last.

As a pastor, I've seen tons of people "on fire for Christ." You hear people comment on it, "Oh, that person's just ON FIRE for Christ. He's just so ON FIRE for Christ. She's just so ON FIRE for Christ." Sounds good. Is it genuine? Sometimes. Most often, not. The people who are "on fire" for Christ are usually the ones who, in about two or three years, have walked away from the faith. The parable of the sower that Jesus told describes these folks as the "rocky soil"- that spring up quickly and quickly fade away. While in the beginning their faith looks amazing, in the end these people are of no use to God's kingdom and are in the same boat as the hard-packed soil which never produced a crop to begin with (in Jesus' parable).

Instead of celebrating the person who is apparently "on fire" for Jesus, we should celebrate the person who has been quietly faithful to God for a number of years. The person who makes no big public pronouncements, the person who does not boldly make all kinds of statements, but who day in and day out, month in and month out, year in and year out, continues to show up, continues to serve, continues to stay faithful- that's a person to be commended and looked up to. 

In life, it really only matters what we FINISH. What we start out to do, what we really WANT to do, doesn't matter. In life, it's only the things we stay faithful to and see through to the end that will matter. 

Can you be counted on? That's the big question.

"I Don't Even Know How To Start."

Something pretty amazing happened at the jail yesterday as I was teaching Inside/Out Dad. The topic we were presenting was “Working With Mom and Co-Parenting.” Needless to say, most of the men in the class have a lot of brokenness between the them and the (sometimes multiple) mothers of their children. Tough topic to teach. Always is. 

One of the younger guys, probably mid-20s, who rarely says much, all of a sudden commented how his ex keeps his son away from him, never allows him to see him, and can’t be reasoned with. “I haven’t seen him in three years,” he said. And then I saw him drop his head and he started sobbing. 

This doesn’t happen often in jail, needless to say. Then, one of the other guys said, “You keep going, man. This class has taught us that. He’s worth it. Keep fighting for him. You got this, man.”

As class was ending, I circled the guys up for prayer as always. I asked one of the guys to pray for the young man, and then I would close. The guy said he would, then looked at me and said, “I don’t even know how to start.” I said, “Just say, ‘Dear Lord’ and then say what you need to say.”

What followed was not a flowery speech, but rather a halting, unsure-of-what-to-say, but genuine prayer where he asked God to help the guy next to him. He asked that God would look out for other man’s son, that his ex would drop the hostility, and that he would make parole soon so he could get back in his kid’s life. 

Amazing. A prayer from a jail cell. 

I have a feeling that God loved it. In Jesus parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, two men went up to pray. The Pharisee prayed about himself and how great he was, but the tax collector just said, “Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.” That’s what pleases God. 

As I left the jail, I realized once again that people are people. The men in jail love their kids as much as I love mine. Dads are dads. Pretty amazing day yesterday.

Happiness

Happiness equals reality minus expectations.
Your amount of happiness in life will be determined by the difference between reality (what is actually happening) and your expectations (what you want to happen or what you think SHOULD happen).

For example, if you make $10/hour and you expect $20/hour, you are going to be unhappy. Your expectations are greater than reality, and your happiness is in negative numbers. If you are making $10/hour and you only expect $5/hour, you will be happy. Your happiness is in the positive. See how that works?

We have a limited ability to affect reality. We can change jobs, improve our lot in life, etc to a limited degree. However, we have total control over our expectations. Those are determined solely by ourselves.

The biggest cause of unhappiness in the world today isn't reality. The biggest cause of unhappiness is unrealistic expectations. Expectations that don't correspond to reality. Expectations that are not possible. That is the biggest cause of unhappiness in the world.

That's why a person making a $1 million per year can be unhappy. That's why a person who married way above their pay grade can be discontent. That's why Americans, who are the wealthiest people in the history of humanity and are in the top 10% of wealthiest people in the world, complain more and whine more than people far worse off. Expectations. Reality is to a large degree set. We can affect it some ways, but what we have total control over is expectations.

Today, take a hard look at your expectations. Take a hard look at what you are expecting from people. Take a hard look at what you are expecting in life. Are they realistic? Do they correspond to reality? Are you capable of changing reality to meet those expectations? Sometimes we are. A person who is miserable in his or her job can start a new business and bring reality up to expectations. Some of us can do that. Most of us can't.

Therefore, we need to adjust our expectations. This is why Abraham Lincoln said, "I have found that people are generally as happy as they make their minds up to be." That's very true. That's because happy people have controlled their expectations to the point that they are close to or actually less than reality.

The happiest marriages are the ones where both believe they got better than they deserved. The happiest people in the world are the ones who can't believe they have what they have. The happiest people I know are the ones who can't believe that God would send His Son to die for us, taking our place and taking our sin.

You are as happy as you make up your mind to be. Happiness is reality minus expectations. Take a hard look at your expectations- if you're unhappy, that's the cause of it. Either change reality or change your expectations if you want to change your level of happiness.

What A Penny Taught Me About Finishing Strong

Pastors are constantly falling, it seems. Every week or month there is a new story about a pastor or church leader who has significant moral failures, whether it is financial dishonesty, substance abuse, marital infidelity, etc.

As people, we all have responsibilities. We are all responsible for things that can get us into trouble. County clerks handle millions of dollars per year- the temptation to embezzle is very high. During my teenage years, several county clerks (in a row) in the city I grew up in were arrested for embezzlement. My youth minister left his wife and married the church secretary when I was in high school. Several years ago, there was a financial scandal at Bluegrass Airport where employees were caught misusing more than $200k of their expense accounts on personal things.

How does this happen? It's easy- we are human. Temptation is the norm. That's not the question to ask. The question to ask is- how do we keep from falling?

How do we avoid the horrific embarrassment to ourselves and our families? How do we avoid the destruction of our lives, our careers, our reputations, and ultimately our faith? Faced with such temptation, how do we walk the straight and narrow for the entirety of our lifetimes?

I was sitting in my office recording the offering from the past Sunday. We receive offerings online, through checks, and through cash. All of it goes into the weekly offering to support the church and the ministries we engage in. Several thousand dollars pass through the church every week. I was logging in checks and cash into our accounting software, and then something happened.

A penny fell on the floor.

Our children's ministry takes up an offering, giving the kids a chance to learn generosity and give to support their church. It's usually coins, and it's awesome. The kids are giving what they can. Beautiful thing.

My office has hardwood floors that closely resemble the color of a penny. It's dark in my office and to find a penny in a dark office on a penny-colored hardwood floor would be a pain. I'd have to get out of my chair, get down underneath my desk, and search for it.

Immediately the rationalization began in my mind. "It's just a penny." "It's not worth the effort." "Who needs a penny?"

Sound familiar?

"It's just a penny."
"It's just a friendly flirting text."
"It's just a one-time expense on my account. Nothing major."
"It's just dinner. It's not like it's a date. My wife wouldn't care."
"It's just a video. It's not like I'm committing adultery."

I realized something. Carelessness with one penny would become carelessness with one dollar. Carelessness with one penny, so insignificant to the overall financial picture, would breach the strong wall I've built against the temptation I face every day as a pastor.

I truly believe it's what we do with the pennies in life that determines whether or not we finish strong. Just like one dandelion in the yard will soon take over the entire yard, disregarding one penny can change my entire attitude towards accountability.

The penny showed me that temptation must be dealt with in the "it's not such a big deal" stage. It's much easier to defeat when it is in its infant stages. The book of James tells us that we are dragged away by sin and enticed when desire turns to temptation which turns to sin which leads to death. That process is much more difficult to overcome when it is full grown.

What are the "pennies" in your life?

I believe we must be vigilant for the beginnings of temptation. Each desire we have is like a single plague bacteria. If we allow even a single plague bacteria into our bodies, it won't be long before we have a full-blown septic infection. But we look at the bacteria, a microscopic organism, and say, "Eh. It's just one bacteria. Not a big deal."

Yes it is.

Instead of waiting until we are knee-deep in sin, we need to be vigilant about the pennies. If we handle the pennies, we'll never have to worry about the dollars. If we handle the one dandelion, we won't have to worry about it taking over the yard. If we handle the desires, we'll never have to worry about the sins.

Be vigilant about the pennies.

Don't allow even a crack in the wall of your integrity.

Otherwise, we will be like the many leaders who don't finish strong, taken down by something that started out as a penny. No big deal. It's just a penny. It's just a text. It's just a video. It's just a meeting, not like it's a date or anything. It's just for fun. It's no big deal. Those people are shell-shocked, wondering how they could have gotten in so deep so quickly.

Every addict I know wishes they would have dealt with the penny instead of the addiction. If they would have dealt with their drug use when it was still a penny, they wouldn't have had to deal with it when it became the hundred-dollar bill of full-blown addiction. Why don't we deal with things we perceive to be pennies?

Very simple- the penny wasn't worth getting out of the chair and searching for. It was just a penny, no need to deal with it.

Be ruthless with the pennies. With the little things. Be utterly ruthless in dealing with the small temptations. Take care of them when they are small, and you won't have to fix them when they are big and have caused catastrophic damage to your life, your faith, your marriage, your reputation, your financial situation, and your family.

Every one of us has things in our lives that we claim are no big deal. That we can handle it. That no one will ever know. Newsflash- yes they will. Everything will be revealed. How many times do we have to see a leader fall before we realize that's exactly what they were saying right before everyone found out?

Tackle them. Stop rationalizing them away. In "The Screwtape Letters," CS Lewis points out that Satan is just as pleased with a small little white lie as he is with murder, provided that both take us away from God. Satan is just as pleased with the pennies as he is with the hundred dollar bills, provided that we lapse in our integrity and we move away from God.

I truly believe that my attitude towards that penny says more about my integrity than my attitude towards a hundred dollar bill. The hundred dollar bill has consequences- everyone looks after that. The penny? It has little monetary value, and therefore not many people care. If I look at a hundred-dollar bill differently than a penny, it means that I have adopted the world's value system instead of living by the integrity that God calls me to live by. How I treat the pennies says more about me than anything else. We aren't called to value what the world values. We are called to live with integrity.

Your attitude towards the pennies, the insignificant things, the "no big deals" in life, say more about your value system than anything else. Take the pennies seriously, because God takes them seriously.

Go after the pennies. Go after them consistently. Refuse to compromise on the little things, and you'll never have to worry about the big things. Finish strong!

From 1789 to 2019, America just can't decide what a "person" is

In January 2019, on the 46th anniversary of Roe V Wade, New York passed a new abortion law that allowed abortions of up to full-term babies. I'm not going to state the specifics of the bill, because that's not the point of this blog. While everyone is focusing on the terms of the bill and the implications, the key to what is going on here is in a simple statement found within the bill.

Section 5, lines 19-20 state the following, ""Person," when referring to the victim of a homicide,  means  a (20) human being who has been born and is alive."

Person.

From the ratification of the Constitution, which originally stated that people could own other people (slaves counted as 3/5th of a person), we've been defining what a person is in order to justify whatever we want to do to them.

During the slave era, a slave fell outside the definition of a "person." Therefore, the nation could justify buying and selling them, keeping them in chains, forcing them to work, because, you see, they weren't "people." Deny people their humanity, and then do whatever you want to them.

Now, states like New York have decided that a "person" is someone who has already been born and is alive. Therefore, the unborn child (even at 39 weeks) is not a person. Therefore, we can justify doing whatever we want to them. Deny the unborn their humanity, and then do whatever you want to them.

I'm not the first person to draw the correlation between abortion and slavery. Many people have. However, the KEY to this bill, the KEY to this line of thinking, is in the definition of a person. New York HAD to make a statement about what the definition of a person is in order to justify this bill. They wanted full unrestricted abortion. They wanted the ability to do whatever they wanted with this life growing inside them.

They knew they couldn't just enable it. They knew that the vast majority of Americans wouldn't put up with a law saying that a full-term baby could be killed at any point. So they had to backtrack and define what a person was. Ah! Let's just state that a person's humanity, a person's real self, the person himself or herself, only happens when the person is outside the mother! Then, because the unborn is not a person, the unborn is not entitled to any protection or rights or even civility or mercy.

The Bible tells us something radically different. The Bible tells us that we are made in God's image. The Bible tells us that we were known by God as people BEFORE we were born, that we had a name, that God spent time "knitting us together" (quite the understatement when you consider God's creation, but I digress) and that we had dignity and personhood while in utero (Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139:1-24).

Oh, the arrogance demonstrated by New York yesterday.

See, the biggest problem isn't the enabling of abortion. That's simply the symptom.

The biggest problem is that human beings, from the beginning of our nation, believe they have the right to decide who is a person and who isn't. Slave owners and New York legislators believe that they have the sovereign right to decide who is a human and who isn't, and therefore have the right to decide who has civil rights and who doesn't.

The arrogance.

The outright arrogance to look at another person and say, "You aren't a person."

The outright arrogance of slave owners to look at their slaves and say, "You aren't a person, therefore I can do whatever I want to you."

The outright arrogance of abortionists to look at the unborn and say, "You aren't a person, therefore I can do whatever I want to you."

Why? Why would a person be so arrogant as to do that? The answer to that is simple. It's the answer that's driven humanity from the beginning. It's the answer that drove slavery back in the day and drives abortion now- MONEY.

Slavery was an economic system. It was incredibly profitable. Therefore, in order to make money, people denied the slaves their humanity.

Abortion is an economic system. It is a multi-billion dollar racket. Planned Parenthood gets $500 million in taxpayer subsidies alone. There is so much money to be made in the abortion industry. So, in order to make money, we redefine who is a person and who isn't, and my my my does the money come rolling in.

To put the icing on the cake, to show the absolute ridiculousness of this law and the utter hypocrisy of abortionists in New York (and elsewhere), I leave you with this. In the state of New York (and all over America), the U.S Fish and Wildlife states that:

"The bald eagle will continue to be protected by the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act even though it has been delisted under the Endangered Species Act. This law, originally passed in 1940, provides for the protection of the bald eagle and the golden eagle (as amended in 1962) by prohibiting the take, possession, sale, purchase, barter, offer to sell, purchase or barter, transport, export or import, of any bald or golden eagle, alive or dead, including any part, nest, or egg, unless allowed by permit."

Did you catch that? The Bald Eagle is an endangered species, and it is a crime to kill one. It is ALSO a crime to destroy a Bald Eagle EGG. Why? Simple. The law states that the egg has the potential to become a bald eagle. Therefore, a person who kills a bald eagle and a person who destroys a bald eagle egg receive the same punishment- $5000 fine and one year in jail for first offense.

The utter hypocrisy on display here is astounding. The bald eagle and its eggs have the same protection, because the law doesn't see any difference between a bald eagle and a POTENTIAL bald eagle. However, the law does not extend the same reasoning to human beings.

So which is it, America? If we allow abortion because a person is not a "person" until outside the womb and alive, have at those bald eagle eggs. Cook em up and eat them for breakfast. Throw them against the wall and make them splatter. After all, they aren't REALLY alive until they hatch, right?

At least that's what New York would say. God help us all.

America's Decreasing Ability to Think Critically on Full Display This Past Weekend

This past weekend, a video of a Native American veteran and some boys from Covington Catholic High School in Kentucky went viral. All over Facebook, all over Twitter, all over the MSM was the confrontation showing a Native American man beating a drum face to face with a teenager. You've probably seen the viral picture.

The amount of sharing on Facebook was incredible. Every other person on my news feed had posted it- condemning the teenager wearing the MAGA hat, hating on Covington Catholic, saying, "What's wrong with teenagers today," condemning the hat, asking why they were wearing a MAGA hat and why the school would allow such a symbol, etc. It went on and on.

The kids from Covington Catholic and their families went into hiding. They had death threats. The parents were threatened professionally. Kathy Griffin demanded names, addresses, and locations of the teens, wanting to dox them to her followers. In a period of a few hours, the Covington Catholic teens were the most hated people in America.

How quick the people of this nation were to share it.

Then, something happened.

New video surfaced. New testimonies surfaced. Turns out that things weren't as they first appeared. Video surfaced of the Native American veteran approaching the teens, starting the conflict. Video of another group of protestors surfaced, hurling racial and homophobic slurs at the Covington Catholic teens. New statements from eyewitnesses came forward, showing that America had been lied to, manipulated by the news media pushing a narrative.

The silence on social media the next day was deafening.

People who had called for the heads of the teens were quiet. The outrage subsided. People who had been quick to share the story wrote retractions. As the truth came out, the people who had shared the story looked foolish.

This showed me one incredibly alarming thing. America has increasingly lost its ability to think critically.

Critical thinking has left the building. In its place is emotional reaction. Instead of showing patience, wisdom, maturity in the face of a piece of news, instead of waiting for facts (because they always come out later), instead of thinking of the consequences of sharing a viral story that could possibly destroy the lives of people, America unthinkingly went ballistic.

We have become a people without gravity, without logic, without the ability to think beyond what we are being shown on a screen. Without the ability to think critically about a story or a piece of news, we become a nation that is easily duped. Easily manipulated. Easily deceived. That's what we are now.

Instead of developing the ability to look at pieces of news with skepticism, we instead have developed the ability to jump on the bandwagon and direct our scorn, derision, and hate towards anyone the media tells to direct it towards.

America today reminds me of a bird that lived in my backyard when I was a kid. We had a glassed-in porch, and one day this bird flew smack into the window. It dropped to the ground, floundered around for a minute, and then flew into the window again. Same thing. A few minutes later, it did it again. The stupid bird not only kept flying into the window- it kept flying into the SAME window.

That's exactly what America is today. News story after news story has come out provoking outrage, with stories going viral, people up in arms, calling for the heads of whoever happens to be the whipping boy of the day. Then, the next day, more information comes out and everyone feels sheepish that they got duped so easily. Then the next day or week, it happens again- some news story inflames passions and everyone gets fired up and the internet heats up with shares and likes and debates. Then the next day, new information comes out and everyone retreats. The next day, same thing. WE NEVER LEARN.

I believe this is the most scary thing that can ever happen to a society.

When a society loses the ability to think critically, it becomes one easily controlled. It becomes one easily duped. An easily controlled society is one that is capable of extreme acts of evil. Or, at least will tolerate leaders who will commit acts of extreme evil. All societies in history that have committed horrendous atrocities have leaders who controlled information, duping the people.

America needs to return to a society that looks with skepticism on everything. Whenever the internet is rushing to dogpile on someone or something, back away. Refuse to speak or comment. Withhold judgment until more facts come out. Wait a few days before commenting. Resist the urge to share juicy morsels of breaking news.

The reason people were so quick to share this story is because of a phenomenon psychologists refer to as "confirmation bias." Confirmation bias simply means that we believe stories that go along with what we already believe to be true.

Confirmation bias was seen in this instance because the people sharing this story already believed some things to be true: that people wearing MAGA hats are racist, that pro-life conservatives were bigots, etc. Because of those preconceived notions, when they saw white kids in conflict with a Native American, it was no problem convincing them that the white kids were aggressors, that they were in the wrong, and that their actions were based on racism.

A psychologist could make a career out of what happened Saturday. Confirmation bias is present in anyone and everyone. Everyone has preconceived beliefs and notions, and if we aren't careful, if we don't think critically, we simply go along with any news story or any SLANT to a news story that goes along with what we already believe. That's why critical thinking is so very important. It takes wisdom and gravity and maturity to realize your own confirmation bias and refuse to take that path until all the facts are in. This is what has disappeared from America, and this is why we are so easily duped and controlled.

Confirmation bias can be summed up this way- "People don't want to know what is true. They only want to know that what they ALREADY BELIEVE is true."

I have a policy- I don't believe anything people say. I don't believe anything I read or hear. It's not that I don't trust people or have a problem with people, it's just that people never tell the whole story. I think it's a natural thing to do- we tell stories in a way that makes us look innocent or moral or whatever. We leave out details, we leave out context, and we leave out key things that are usually brought forward by another person, hence the cliche, "There are always two sides to every story."

News stories are the same. Don't believe anything you read or hear. Let that be your default mode when encountering a story. The default mode of an intelligent, critically-thinking individual is "That probably didn't happen, at least in the way that it's being presented." 

Realize that you're never being told the entire story.

Realize that you're being told just enough information to provoke maximum outrage and gain maximum interest. The media's job is to get your attention. They can only do that through likes and shares and outrage, so they give you what will provide the maximum amount of likes and shares and outrage. We are being played, people, and it seems like fewer and fewer people are able to see it.

Stop letting emotions dictate your reaction. Mark Twain said it best- "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect, because very rarely does the majority ever do the right thing."

There are very dark days ahead for America, because we've lost the ability to think critically. Instead, we are a nation dictated by emotion, easily duped, and therefore easily controlled. How foolish America looked this past weekend. How quick America was to believe the story dangled in front of us by the media. How unintelligent we looked. Unless America is able to regain its sense of critical thinking, we won't last long as a nation.