Parents, before you discipline your children, make this one important distinction

Discipline is a touchy subject when it comes to children. Most parents don't know that the word "discipline" comes from the Latin word "disciplus" which means "to teach." When we discipline our children, the purpose isn't to punish. The purpose is to teach.

With that in mind, when our children do something wrong, we need to ask this very important question: was it evil or was it stupidity?

Evil is very different than stupidity. I would define evil as something from the heart- lying, bullying, premeditated scheming, violence towards another person, stealing, etc. Stupidity, while still in need of correction, would be something like playing ball and breaking a window, succumbing to peer pressure in the moment, etc. Those things, while wrong, aren't EVIL. They are things that normal kids do because they are, well, kids. And all kids are stupid.

I was stupid. You were stupid. Stupidity is part of childhood. We do dumb things that we know better than because we are not mature enough to do the right thing. It's a necessary learning phase we all go through.

The problem, however, is when parents don't distinguish between the two. Many parents don't ask "was it evil or was it stupidity?" Many parents treat a child breaking a window playing baseball (because he wasn't smart enough to not hit towards the house) and lying to an adult the exact same way. This is wrong. One was stupid, one was evil.

I grew up in a house where the distinction wasn't made. Right was right and wrong was simply wrong. It was black and white. No distinction. You did the crime, you did the time. Looking back on that, I want to do things differently. There were things that I did that were evil. There were things that I did that were stupid. My parents tended to treat them both the same. That's the way their parents were, and so on and so forth.

However, now that I'm a parent, I see that there is a big difference between the two. I believe that they need to be treated differently because they have different causes. Like I said, stupidity is a natural part of being a child. Of not knowing much about life. Of being immature. It's natural. Evil, however, is not natural. It needs to be rooted out, destroyed, punished, and gotten rid of quickly. They are vastly different things and need to be treated as such.

Many parents make the mistake of treating evil like it was stupidity or vice versa. They treat the fact that their child bullies others as just a natural part of growing up. It's not. It's evil. They also treat stupidity as if it were evil and overreact to everything. Both are wrong.

Parents, we must make the distinction between evil and stupidity. Evil is something that needs to be corrected immediately and punished fairly quickly and severely. If your child lies, bullies, talks back to teachers, steals, etc, you have a major problem. Don't laugh it off as part of a natural part of childhood. It's not.

Also, don't treat stupidity as if it were evil. Don't overreact when your child does something stupid that isn't evil. Be wise enough to distinguish between a mistake and genuine sin.

Now, I will say this- stupidity only happens once. If your child is playing baseball in the backyard and hits a ball toward the house and breaks a window ONCE, it's stupidity. If it happens twice, it's evil and needs to be treated as such. If your child succumbs to peer pressure and takes a drink of something ONCE, it's stupidity. If it happens twice, it's evil. The first time was a learning experience, and if it is true stupidity, the child will learn from it and not do it again. If it happens again, we have a major problem. Stupidity has turned into evil and it must be treated as such.

Far too many parents have failed to make this important distinction and have damaged their relationships with their children. When your child messes up (and they all will), before saying anything or doing anything, ask yourself, "Was this evil or was it stupidity?"

The answer to that question should guide you in how you discipline. Not all infractions are the same. Not all bad things our children do are the same. Be wise enough to know the difference. I have found that I am a far more effective parent when I treat evil as evil and stupidity as stupidity.

Remember, the purpose of discipline is to TEACH. Every wrong thing our children do is an opportunity for you as a parent to teach a valuable lesson about life. Make sure your children are learning the right thing.

The Powerful Gift of a Growing Mom and Dad

The longer I live, the more I realize the importance of mom and dad in the development of faith in their children.

I believe that youth ministry and children's ministry are good things. I was a youth minister for nine years before being demoted to senior minister. I am a big believer in churches investing in their young people with specific programs and ministries dedicated to reaching them.

However, youth and children's ministries are extremely limited in their ability to be effective. That's because youth and children's ministries were never intended to be the sole or even the major conveyor of spiritual truth to children. God set up the mom and dad to be the primary teachers of faith to their children- a job that is woefully neglected by most moms and dads.

Why is this?

I don't think it's because moms and dads are evil. Far from it. Moms and Dads love their kids and want what is best for them. I think it's something else.

I think most moms and dads have taught their kids everything they know about the faith. Which, at the end of the day, really isn't much in most cases. I would imagine that if most church people were honest, there hasn't been a lot of growth in them in awhile. Oh sure, they've picked up a morsel here and a morsel there, but if we were gut-level honest, many if not most parents who come to church every week haven't made significant steps in their faith in a long time.

They are most likely still struggling with the same sins they were several years ago. They probably have similar patterns of prayer, reading the Bible, and other practices of Christians. They probably are serving in the same capacity that they were years ago, if at all. They probably haven't led anyone to the Lord in several years, if at all. In other words, when it boils down to it, Mom and Dad just ain't growing much. Well, let's be honest- Mom and Dad just ain't growing at ALL.

So it's no surprise that their children aren't growing either.

However, what if that weren't the case?

I like to give gifts to my children. I like to give them money. I like to give them sports equipment so they can play their sports. I like to give my children lots of gifts. We give our children gifts all the time, as we should. However . . . .

Parents- are you giving your children the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

Do your children see you as a different person than they did last year, or two or three years ago? Did they formerly know you as a reactionary person who went off because of the slightest provocation, and now they know you as a person of peace and understanding?

Did they formerly know you as a person who slept in on Sunday morning and now see you as a faithful church member?

Did they formerly know you as a person who never really engaged in the mission of Christ but now see you taking mission trips and serving?

Did they formerly know you as a bitter, unforgiving, mean person who now is full of joy?

Did they formerly see you as a person who obsessed over money who now is very generous?

Did they formerly see you as a person with no control over his or her mouth who now speaks words of kindness and love?

The list goes on, but you get my point.

Have you given them the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

As a former youth minister, I wish all my former students had had growing Moms and Dads. I wish that they had seen, in their homes, the life change in their parents. I wish that my former students could have grown up in homes where the grace of God was being talked about, shared about, and lived out by growing parents.

I wish that parents would have taken their faith as seriously as they wanted their children to.

Parents, today, give the powerful gift of growing parents to your children. Notice I didn't say "perfect." I said, "growing." I'm not so much concerned with parents being perfect (none of us are) as I am with parents that are simply living with a stagnant, lifeless, out-of-sight-out-of-mind faith. Parents whose faith is lifeless are robbing their children of a precious gift.

However, parents whose faith is life-giving and growing are giving their children a powerful gift. By their example, they are showing the growth process that God expects of all Christians. They aren't just sending their kids to church to learn about it. They are living it out in front of them. That's the way God intended for faith to be passed on. That's the way our children grow.

And that's the way that we ensure the blessings of God- the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- are passed down to the next generation.

Why I Don't Tell My Kids They Are Good At Things

I know, I know. You're supposed to build the kids up. You're supposed to praise their accomplishments. You're supposed to encourage and compliment and show your kids that they are awesome. After all, Whitney Houston told us all that, "children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside," right?

I agree with all that, although I hate that song.

So, Dave, why don't you tell your kids that they are good at things?

First of all, my kids ARE good at things. They are good at a lot of things. They are outstanding students who are good at learning, studying, and earning good grades. They are athletes who are good at their respective sports of tennis and soccer. They are good at music.

They are good at a lot of things.

But I never tell them they are good at school. I never tell them they are good at sports. I never tell them they are good at singing, or playing an instrument, or anything else they are good at.

Instead, when I see that they are good at something, I tell them, "You must have worked very hard to be good at that."

I choose to point out the work that got them there rather than where they are.

This does something radical within them: it keeps them from feelings of entitlement and jealousy.

Entitlement is one of the most toxic feelings around. It's everywhere in America right now. We have an entire nation that thinks it is owed something simply for being here. People feel entitled to better jobs, the same possessions as their neighbors, the same standard of living as everyone else, and just about anything else you can name right now. I hear people criticizing wealthy people, who worked all their lives to achieve their fortunes, saying they don't deserve it and "I wonder who they climbed over on the way," and all that.

Entitlement.

Entitlement robs a person of joy. The most miserable people I know are people who feel they are owed something that they don't have. They are depressed, miserable, and are a pain to be around. I don't want that for my children.

I don't tell my kid she is good at tennis. Why? Because if she believes she is good at tennis she will not handle losing very well. If I repeatedly tell her, "You're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player," and she gets beat a few times, she will have a major problem making sense of what's going on. However, if I tell her, "You certainly have worked hard at tennis and look where that work has gotten you," and she loses a few matches, she'll realize that she simply needs to work harder. She doesn't feel entitled to win a match. She knows she has to work hard to win a match. That's a good life lesson- one that applies in all areas of life.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors we are rewarded for. Your kids will repeat behaviors that you praise them for. I want my children to be hard workers. Therefore, instead of emphasizing the natural ability or talent my kids have, I choose to reward the work they themselves put in. I want them to achieve success because of superior work ethic, not because of superior talent or ability. They won't have superior ability or talent in all areas. However, they can always have a superior work ethic in EVERYTHING.

Parents, begin complimenting the WORK behind your childrens' successes. Did your kid bring home a good report card? Don't say, "You're so smart." Say, "You must have worked very hard to get those good grades." Did your child perform well athletically? Say, "Look what all your hard work at practice and out in the back yard did for you." Did your child build something or learn a new skill? Say, "You are such a hard worker. Well done!"

I want my children to see the correlation between the work they put in on something and the success they experience. Teach them the right lesson. Don't tell them they are good at things. Tell them how the hard work they put in brought them success.

A person who sees the correlation between work and success will rarely feel jealous of another person. I want my children to see someone who is successful and automatically think, "Wow- that person worked hard to get there," not, "well, look at how easy they have it." I want my children to think, when they see someone who is successful at something, that they can do it too. I don't want my children to linger in resentment and bitterness because they believe life has been unfair to them, that success and work are NOT related, and that somehow they have been robbed of what is owed them.

People are where they are in life more often because of how much work they have done rather than how talented they are. At least in most cases. I want to build that thought process into my children. Every accomplishment they have I want them to learn how it was the work they did that was important, not how "good" they were at it.

By doing that, we can develop children (who will soon be adults) that have learned the correlation between success and hard work. Don't refer to them as "smart," "talented," or "good at ___________."

Refer to them as "hard workers," and watch them, with a clear belief that success and work are linked, go off and earn their own success.

Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy

If you ask parents today what they want for their children, the most common answer will be for them to be "happy."

That makes sense. We love our kids and, well, why not? Why not want them to be happy? Why not make that the focus? What- do you want them to be sad?

I don't want my kids to be sad, but I'm not real concerned with whether they are happy or not. That's not a goal of mine as a parent. Nor should it be for you.

Instead, I want my kids to have character.

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter which meant a "stamping tool." In ancient times, artisans would use a kharakter to etch carvings in stone or wood. This indicated a permanence (hence the saying, "etched in stone" meaning something unchanging and eternal) that was not changed easily or quickly. Character is a permanent etching on our children, meaning they exhibit consistency in belief, action, word, and thought.

Character is who you are when no one is looking. Character is what prompts you to give back money when the cashier has given you too much change. Character is what prompts you to tell the truth even when you could get away with a lie. Character is your undying sense of right and wrong; it is what motivates the employee to go the extra mile, what motivates the spouse to stay faithful through fifty years of marriage, what motivates the child to do his best work at all times.

That is what I want for my children.

A child with character becomes an adult with character. An adult with character will become a worker with character, a spouse with character, and a father/mother with character. This person will never have to worry about finding a job, being second-guessed by his or her spouse, or worry about an action coming back to bite them. A person of character will have, over the long run, doors of opportunity wide open, because a person of character can be trusted and therefore will experience a great life.

That's what I want for my children.

Parents, spend a little less time being concerned with your child's happiness and spend a little more time building their character. I would take a person of character any day of the week over a person of intelligence, a person of ability, or a person of wit. Intelligence, ability, and wit mean nothing without character behind them. If you truly want your child to be happy, spend time building their character, not their happiness.

When they have character, they will be happy. A person who is trusted by all, a person who is known for doing good work, a person who is known for getting the job done, a person who is known to be honest in all circumstances, a person who repeatedly and consistently shows respect to his or her elders . . . .  THAT person will be extremely happy.

My job as a parent isn't to ensure my kids' happiness. If they want to be happy, that's on them. It is up to them to be "happy." It is my job as a parent to build their character so that they have a permanent etching, something unchanging and eternal, about them.

When we raise children of character, they will in turn grow up to be happy. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. Emphasizing our childrens' happiness will not result in character. Too often, it leads to the exact opposite. Raising up a child with an emphasis on his or her happiness many times leads to a spoiled child who cannot handle life. That is a person of no character. Sadly, that is what is being seen more and more and more in today's world.

The well-intentioned goal of the American parent, for their children to be happy, has backfired. By emphasizing happiness over character, we have unwittingly raised a generation of children who are open to anything and everything that comes along; a generation who will fall prey to anything Hollywood or Facebook or mass media will tell them. By blurring the lines of right and wrong and instead emphasizing "whatever makes you feel good," we have hamstrung our children and robbed them of the very thing we as parents were tasked with giving them- character.

I want my kids to be happy. It's just that I want that happiness to come out of a life of virtue, of consistently making the right decisions, of being rock-solid in their beliefs and not compromising on who they are. I don't want their happiness to come from me. I want it to come from within themselves.

My job is to build character in my kids . . . .  and then let the happiness they experience in life flow from that.

The most important trait of a parent

I grew up in a school system where 92% and above was an "A." 83% and higher was a "B," and so on and so forth. I thought that was a decently fair grading system (not that anyone asked me), because you could make a few mistakes here and there and still get good grades.

Someone who gets it right 95% of the time is probably a pretty successful person, right? I mean, 95% is a pretty high number for accuracy. I think all of us would like to have that kind of grade on life, wouldn't we?

Nope.

In many aspects of life, 95% is failing. It's a failing grade. So is a 99%. So is a 99.9999%.

What do you call a man who is faithful to his wife 99% of the time? An adulterer.

What do you call a woman who tells the truth 99% of the time? A liar.

What do you call a person who obeys the speed limit 99.95% of the time? A speeder (at least, the cop who pulls you over will think that).

What do you call someone who keeps his promises 90% of the time? Unreliable.

I've come to realize that the most important trait in life is consistency. We could list a bunch of good traits to have, such as honesty, faith, integrity, faithfulness, goodness, self-controlled, etc. Those are all fantastic traits.

However, without consistency, none of those matter. If you aren't consistently honest, if you aren't consistently faithful, if you aren't consistently self-controlled, then those traits are meaningless.

The biggest liar that you know probably tells the truth 75% of the time. That's a "C" on a grading scale. Not stellar, but at least its average. A cheating husband or wife, if you averaged out the days, was probably faithful 90% of the time at least. That's a high "B" in most books. Pretty good, huh?

No.

As I've grown older, the more I realize the value of consistency. Consistency- being the same person, exercising the same values, staying true to your core beliefs day in and day out over the course of a lifetime- is really the only thing that matters. There must be consistency in any person's life if they are to be successful.

This is especially true in parenting. My parents weren't perfect. However, they were consistent. Their values and their rules didn't change with the day, nor did their punishments when I screwed up. If they said I was grounded for two weeks, I was grounded for two weeks. They didn't change it after a day or two (as some parents do). Also, the rules didn't change with my parents' mood. I'm sure there were days when they didn't feel like enforcing the rules. It would have been easier just to let me get away with it. However, they stayed consistent.

What that did for me and my brother was it created security. Consistent parents create secure kids. When kids aren't left guessing as to when mom and dad will show up; if they aren't left guessing as to what will set mom and dad off this time; if they aren't punished one day for something and not the next, kids form a great sense of identity and purpose.

However, when consistency isn't there, it sets the kids up for failure.

I hear quite often about the tough time teachers nowadays have with kids in their classrooms. They spend far too much time being disciplinarians to children who are acting out. However, acting out is only a symptom of the problem. We treat the symptom and don't address the root cause.

I believe the root cause of so many discipline cases in schools is the following formula:

Inconsistency---> Confusion ---> Frustration ---> Acting Out. 

The child receives inconsistent messages at home. Doesn't know what is right or wrong; hasn't developed security of purpose and clarity. Therefore, the child is confused. If you've ever tried to accomplish a task that is confusing, or you don't know what to do, or haven't been given the tools to accomplish it, it quickly leads to frustration. That frustration boils over into acting out.

What we normally do is we punish the child. We send them to detention, put them in time out, etc. All that stops is the acting out. . . . .  for a time. It doesn't address the frustration felt by a confused kid who has had no consistency at home.

Parents, if you are having problems with your children at school; if they are constantly getting in trouble, if they don't respect authority and are causing headaches for teachers, coaches, and yes, even you, stop looking at the behavior. Follow the formula back to the beginning- does your child have consistency?

Is your word good? When you say you'll do something, do you do it? When you tell a child something, can he or she trust that it's the truth? Does he or she sleep in the same bed every night? Same bedtime every night? Do you consistently expect them to do homework, consistently eat meals with them, consistently talk with them?

Give your children the gift of consistency. It is truly what they need. When I look back on my time in my parents' house, I can honestly say that the gift of consistency was the greatest gift my parents gave me. I knew my dad would be home every night. I knew I would sleep in the same bed every night. I knew we would eat together as a family every night. I knew my parents' rules and I knew the punishments that would happen if I broke them. They had very few rules and they enforced them EVERY TIME. Consistency built me into the person I am today.

This world is dying for people who are consistent. Our homes needs consistent parents. Our businesses need consistent employees. Our churches need consistent members. Our spouses need consistent spouses. This world is full of flighty, unreliable, temperamental people who can't be counted on to do what is right. Don't be a person like that. Your children deserve better. So does your spouse, so does your place of employment, so does your church.

Give that gift to this world. Consistency is THE most important trait in life.

Fathers and Daughters- Why Fathers Are Essential

One of the most chilling things that I have come across in researching the impact of fathers on their children comes from the realm of human trafficking. I read a story about a human trafficker in California who had been arrested and convicted. He freely told the press and the cops how he was able to recruit and basically enslave teenage girls, forcing them into prostitution and treating them like animals while he lived like a king on the money they made.

He said that his recruiting ground was the mall.

He would approach a girl, usually aged twelve to sixteen. He would ask them a simple question, "Where is your daddy?"

He said, "If they answered, 'He's over there,' or 'He's at work,' or something like that, I would walk away. However, if they said, 'I don't know,' or 'I don't have a daddy,' I had found my next worker."

The interviewer asked him, "What did that have to do with anything?"

He said, "Girls without their daddies were looking for a 'daddy.' I just became that. I gave them gifts. I gave them attention. I gave them money. I didn't have to kidnap them. I simply made them need me. Then they would do anything I demanded that they do. They actually loved me for it."

He said, "Girls that had their daddy didn't need what I was offering. They were immune. I didn't even bother with them."

If that doesn't send chills up your spine, I don't know what will. As a father of two daughters and someone who literally feels sick every time I hear of girls being trafficked like cattle, it makes me even more determined to be a strong presence in the lives of my children.

Mothers, this is nothing against you. Our families would be nothing without you. I would say that my wife has had more influence on who our children are than I have. Mothers are the heart and soul of the family, and I give them all the respect in the world for the work they do.

It's just that these girls that were trafficked had mothers. That didn't stop this slimeball criminal from recruiting them. It was the absence of the father that made them vulnerable to him.

Fathers, you are essential. You are invaluable to your children. Never stop fighting for them. Never stop guiding them. Never stop being present. You are of infinite value to your children.

Fathers, human trafficking is only one thing that we can help prevent. Reflect on the following statements and live them out:

1) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be held by a strong man. Hug your daughters. Let them feel your strength and your protection. Never let them wonder what it is like to be held by strong arms, because if they don't get it from you, they'll seek it out from another man, and you have no idea who that "other man" will be.

2) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be complimented and made to feel important by a man. Tell your daughters they are beautiful. Let your daughters know that they are worthy of your attention. If they don't get that from you, they will be vulnerable to the first man that comes along that provides that. That man may not have her best interests at heart.

3) Fathers, make sure your daughters know what it is like to be respected. Let them see you respect their mother and treat her as the child of God that she is. When she sees you treating her mother that way, she will learn that that is how women should be treated, and she won't accept anything less from any man that comes along.

4) Fathers, make sure that you model faith in God for your daughters. Let your daughters hear you pray, let them see you read Scripture, let them see you live your faith on a daily basis. Let them see what you believe to be right and wrong. Fathers, you are a HUGE factor in what your daughter will believe to be right and wrong. Show her what it means to be a person of faith. Let her see you rely on God. She will grow up to do the same thing.

Fathers, you are essential. Never underestimate your importance to the family. Never underestimate your importance to your daughters. The world may tell you differently. That's okay. The world is wrong. You are essential.

My biggest failure as a father

One of my biggest passions is fatherhood. I love being a father. I spend at least three days a week in jails and rehab centers teaching fatherhood courses. People ask me my advice on parenting and fatherhood all the time, and it is a big part of what I do.

Lots of times, this blog will cover parenting/fatherhood topics. I guess they tell you to write what you know, so that's what I do. I spend a great deal of time talking about things I've learned, trying to shape and guide with advice and all that. It would be easy to think, after reading all this, that I'm a perfect dad.

I'm not.

Fatherhood is more error than victory, and there are plenty of mistakes I've made as a dad. However, there is one that stands out more than others.

I'm just going to be gut-level honest with everyone. I would say that in my forty-two years as a human being, this was my worst failure, one that to this day I have trouble forgiving myself for.

In 2004, my wife and I were blessed with our son Jacob. He had a heart defect that was 100% fatal without surgery (it was called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS). He was born September 5, and he was going to have major surgery within a few days of his birth.

His temperature kept spiking every time they were going to operate, so his surgery was delayed several times. I was a youth minister at the time, and our son was at Vanderbilt hospital forty minutes away from where we lived. He was born on a Saturday. We stayed with him in the NICU on and off, because we had two little girls as well to care for and tried to keep things as normal for them as possible.

It kills me to write this. Looking back, I wish I would have done things differently.

The next week, when he was eight days old, on Monday, I had been out of the office pretty much the entire time. I went to work. All day. I didn't go to the hospital that day.

My son was in the NICU fighting for his life and I went to the office because I thought that's where I should be.

I didn't think he was going to die. I thought that he would do well with his surgery and we would have him for a good long while. I couldn't see it any other way. So, that day, I went to work thinking that what I was doing that day was so very important.

Jacob died two days later.

He only lived ten days, and I missed one of them. 10% of his life.

See, I thought we would have him for longer. I thought he would live many years. I thought that he would grow up and go to school and play sports and graduate school and get married and have kids and the whole nine yards. When he needed his family- when he needed his dad the most- I wasn't there.

When he needed me the MOST- I wasn't there.

Maybe it was my view of work being so important. Maybe it was a sensitivity to the criticism that so many people have of ministers "not having a real job" and "only working thirty minutes on a Sunday."(yes, we hear that all the time) and feeling like I had to counteract that stereotype. Maybe it was an over-inflated sense of how important I was. Whatever the cause, whatever the reason, it was the wrong one.

Somebody once said that we prefer clocks to hourglasses because a clock just spins around and around, giving the illusion that time is infinite. If we could actually see grains of sand disappearing, showing that our time is limited, we would live much differently. I think that is very true. I know that had I known Jacob was going to die that Wednesday, I would have been in his room the entire day on Monday instead of sitting at a desk in an office forty minutes away.

I know that God has forgiven me, but I just can't seem to forgive myself. What I wouldn't give to have that day back. I would live it much, much differently.

But I can't get that day back. Like a grain of sand in an hourglass, it's gone forever. The only thing I can do is from this point forward, learn the lesson and be intentional about spending these days as well as I possibly can, doing what is important and right, regardless of what everyone else would say.

For all of you parents who haven't gotten it right, you're not alone.

For all of you parents who have made mistakes, maybe MAJOR mistakes, and are struggling to forgive yourselves for them, you're not alone.

For all of you parents who wish you could go back and relive a day or week or month or year of your life and do things differently, you're not alone.

I'm right there with all of you.

Sometimes the weight of that failure is enough to make me want to quit. Many times as I go to teach fatherhood or write about parenthood, I feel like a hypocrite. "Who are you to write about being a father?" I ask myself as the episode of Monday, September 13, 2004 comes flooding back. I know many of you feel the same way. The guilt of past failures has the ability to paralyze any future action that we need to take.

All I can do is point you to the words of Lamentations 3:23-24, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Because of His love, we are not consumed by our failures. Because of His love, our failures are not final. Because of His love we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and put one foot in front of the other in spite of our past failures. There is hope and peace ahead, thanks to the goodness of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I'm here as a living testimony to that goodness and forgiveness, as I have experienced it personally.

It's difficult to write this blog. I don't really know why I'm writing it right now. Maybe it's because there are folks out there who need it. Maybe it's a lame attempt to assuage guilt within me. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit of God telling me to be authentic and share struggles with the folks who read this. Whatever the reason is, I hope you can find some encouragement today. No one is perfect. No one has it all together. No one has all the answers.

But everyone can have hope and a future. We aren't bound by our past mistakes, thanks to the limitless grace and love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I ask you to do what I am trying my hardest to do- learn how to forgive yourself. Sometimes I think the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. And if any of you figure out how to do it, I'd appreciate you sharing it with me.

God bless all of you.

Don't Laugh At It

A few days ago I was in Wal-Mart. I had just popped in for some quick groceries and wanted to get out as quickly as possible. I was in a hurry, not in the mood to deal with things- just wanted to get there, get what I needed, and get home as quickly as possible.

Which made my time in the checkout line even that much worse.

In front of me were two young parents with what looked to be about a five-year-old child. She was full of energy, to say the least. Basically she was running around, jumping in the shopping cart, being very loud, and was out of control. When you are stuck in a checkout line, being around a kid like that gets really old really fast.

However, I very quickly realized why she acted that way, because something happened that drove me absolutely nuts.

Her dad, probably realizing that his daughter was annoying the people around her with her constant running around and noise, told her to be still. She looked up at him and shouted, "NO!" Then she smiled and continued doing what she was doing. I began thinking what would have happened if I would have done that to my parents. I certainly wouldn't be here writing this, I can guarantee you THAT.

However, the mom laughed. She looked at her husband and said, "She is so SASSY!" Meanwhile, the kid continued to act like a brat. I made a mental note that if I ever became friends with this couple, I would NEVER invite them over as long as they had that kid with them.

This illustrates a major problem in parenting.

The child was disrespectful to her father. Defiance and disrespect are terrible attributes for any person to have, let alone a child. When the child said, "NO!" defiantly, she should have been corrected right then and there. She should have been told in no uncertain terms that she was in the wrong and should have been punished accordingly.

However, the parents laughed at it and wrote it off as "sassiness."

Parents, don't explain away your children's disrespect as "being cute" or "being sassy."

The truth of the matter is that the world won't find your child's disrespect nearly as cute or funny as you do. Neither will I. Neither will anyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with your child or anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in a Wal-Mart checkout line behind them.  Employers won't find it funny when your child, being "sassy and cute," disrespects the customers. Teachers won't find it nearly as amusing when your child is a constant disruption in class because someone at home encouraged them to be "sassy and cute."

We have an entire generation growing up without respect for their elders, and I believe mainly it happens because parents laugh and explain away disrespect in this manner. The amount of parents who laugh at their children's disrespect is astonishing to me. Do they know they are encouraging the child to repeat it? Do they know they are setting their child up for failure in life? Do they know that they are raising a brat?

Probably not. In this generation of parents' quest to be their child's best friend, any thought along those lines are out the door. Any thought of future consequences to said "cute" behavior is gone.

Don't laugh at it. Discipline it.

Parents, you are the first people your child learns to respect. If you laugh off disrespect and defiance, if you call it "sassy," if you explain it away as "cute," you will be creating a monster. Resist the urge to laugh it off.

Remember- it is easier to train a child than to fix an adult. It is easier to train a five-year-old to be respectful than it is to discipline a disrespectful teenager. Far too many parents, by laughing at the disrespect of a five-year-old, create a monster that they have trouble dealing with in the teenage years, and then experience the heartbreak of an adult child who has none of the characteristics needed for a successful life.

Don't laugh at it. It isn't sassy. It isn't cute.

It's disrespect.

Work Ethic Begins in the Home: A Tribute to My Father

I was talking a few weeks ago with a friend of mine who is a Human Resources guy for a major business. He was telling me that it is his job to hire new employees for the company, and he was having an extremely difficult time finding people to fill their positions.

He told me that somewhere between 50% and 60% of the applicants were immediately rejected because they couldn't pass a drug test. Of the ones that remained, half of them wouldn't have the qualifications necessary for the job, and of those hired, several of them would quit after they got their first paycheck. Of those who didn't quit, several would be let go because of missing work, being late, or just flat out laziness.

"The jobs are there," he told me. "We just can't find people willing to work."

Ever since I was little, work ethic was drummed into me. Both of my parents are hardworking people. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who worked her rear off trying to manage our home, and my dad has probably never missed a day of work in his life. Work ethic is something that cannot be taught in school or at work- it is taught in the home.

Many times in life, there are defining moments when we learn lessons that stay with us for life. One such event happened the summer of my sophomore year in college.

I was playing semipro soccer for the Bluegrass Bandits (the local semipro team) as well as working first shift in a lumberyard that summer. One particular weekend, we had a grueling road trip. We left Friday for Louisiana, played New Orleans on Saturday, drove to Little Rock, AK, played their team on Sunday, and arrived back in Lexington around 1:30 am Monday morning.

I had to be at work at 7 am. When 6:00 rolled around, I was exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed. I decided to take the day off.

I had parked my truck behind my dad's car, and when he was leaving for work that morning, my truck was still there. So he came into my room and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was exhausted from the road trip and two soccer games and that I was taking the day off.

Bad move.

For the next ten minutes, the only way I can describe it was a hurricane hit my room. Bill Cosby describes people having a "conniption." I think I saw one that day. My dad BLASTED me. He told me in no uncertain terms that missing work was not an option, that laziness was not a characteristic of successful people, that it didn't matter how tired I was, you suck it up and go to work because missing work was unacceptable. He told me that the people at work were counting on me and that I was letting them down by not going in. He told me to think of the work that I was selfishly putting on them because I was too big a pansy to do what I was supposed to do. That was the basic gist of it.

So I dragged myself out of bed and got to work a few minutes late. It was a rough day, but I survived.

I also learned a life lesson.

You don't miss work. You follow through on what is expected of you. You do your best even when you aren't feeling your best.

All those lessons I learned from my father. And those lessons have paid off in life ever since.

The hardest thing I've ever done in life was planting the church that I now currently pastor. When we launched off into this endeavor, I had a family of five to provide for. I got up at 3 am every morning seven days a week to deliver newspapers- rain, snow, sleet, Thanksgiving morning, Christmas morning, you name it. I substitute taught at East High School. I coached soccer. I pastored a church. This was in 2008 when the Great Recession had hit and no one could find work. I had four jobs. I did that for a year and a half until the church had grown to where I could pastor full-time.

The lesson from my father echoed in my mind. You do your best even when you aren't feeling your best. You go to work because that's what you do. You don't miss work. You do what is expected of you.

All those lessons kept me going during the most physically and emotionally demanding season of my life. Looking back on that endeavor, seeing the blessings my church has brought me and my family and the people of this world, I am so glad I did it. I am so glad my dad and mom instilled in me the concept of work.

What other people might have seen as impossible, I saw as possible because with hard work you can accomplish anything.

I am so glad my dad cared enough about me to speak hard truths when I was tired.

He could have coddled me. He could have been "understanding." He could have let it go. After all, what was one day of missing work?

But he didn't.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember my father's passion when talking about work ethic and how important it was. I remember his remarks about laziness being beneath me. I remember his high expectations of his son when it came to the discipline of work.

As I was listening to my friend talk about his frustration with hiring people, I went back to that summer morning of 1994. Sadly, I realized that these people my friend was talking about had probably never had that discussion with their fathers. They had probably never been taught the importance of work. They probably didn't have fathers who held such absolute contempt for laziness.

Those people were always going to struggle in life. People without a work ethic always do.

Today I am thankful for my hardworking dad who demonstrated the importance of work every day of his life. I am thankful that he cared enough to pass that on to me.

Parents, work ethic begins in the home. Bless your children by teaching them the value of work.

A Forgotten Practice in Christian Homes

This past summer, I had the great opportunity to speak to close to 1000 high school students at KCU's Summer in the Son. Great week.

One of the days, in their small group time, I asked the students a simple question, "What is the most radical, dangerous, or uncomfortable thing you've done because of your faith in Christ?"

There were quite a few answers, but the most common one- the OVERWHELMINGLY most common one- was something that bothered me. It bothered me not because it was wrong or awful or sinful. It bothered me because it was, well, anything BUT radical, dangerous, and uncomfortable. At least, by Biblical standards.

The most common answer? "Prayed in front of my youth group."

HUH?

That was the most radical, most dangerous, most out-of-the-box thing that the students had done because of their faith in Christ? Not heading overseas to bring the gospel to unreached people (commanded in Scripture), visiting prisoners in jail (commanded in Scripture), feeding the homeless (commanded in Scripture), sharing faith with a non-believing friend (commanded in Scripture), withstanding persecution, or anything else that the people in the Bible did?

We've gotten to the point where Christian kids really feel challenged talking to God in front of people who believe just like them.

First, that's a sad commentary on churches. However, it's an even sadder commentary on Christian homes. Why do Christian kids feel uncomfortable praying in front of other people? Simple. They've never been challenged to do it. 

This is a forgotten practice in Christian homes.

My childhood growing up was not what I would call a Christian upbringing. We rarely went to church and we certainly didn't read Scripture together or go on mission trips or anything like that. However, there was one thing we did that I will always remember.

We took turns praying before meals. In the home, of course. We didn't pray at meals in public. Just at home.

However, we went in order from youngest to oldest. From the time I could speak, I was expected to pray for the family before meals. Then it was my brother's turn. Then my mom's. Then my dad's. I prayed out loud in front of the family every fourth meal, which was at least five times per week.

Parents, are you teaching your children to pray?

Could my mom and dad prayed better than me and my brother, especially when we were little? Sure. I'm sure they were much more eloquent, much more focused, much better at praying than I was. However, with that being part of what we did, I learned how to do it. I was expected to lead the family in prayer as being a part of my family.

As a result, I never had problems praying in front of people. That's a good thing, because being a minister I'm always asked to pray for meals, banquets, rotary club meetings, funerals, weddings, you name it (people assume I have the "direct line" to God, smh).

Parents, it's time to resurrect the age-old tradition of family prayer. The discomfort our children feel in public prayer probably means that not much prayer is going on in the home. At least, families praying together. Have your children lead the family in prayer. It's okay. It won't kill them. It will teach them the spiritual discipline of prayer, and will teach them the importance of it.

I, for one, cannot believe that high school students would even list "praying in front of my youth group" as something radical and uncomfortable. However, if I grew up in a home where prayer was never emphasized and certainly where I was never expected to lead the family in prayer, I could see how it WOULD be.

Start a new family tradition. Pray together, but let your children lead. Take turns. Tell them that prayer isn't just for the adults. It is for everyone. Just tell them to talk with God. It's okay. God won't smite anyone.

He probably would really enjoy hearing from your child. And He probably would enjoy the fact that your child isn't embarrassed or uncomfortable talking with Him in front of people.

It all starts in the home.

The state of American Elementary Schoolchildren, 2016

I just returned from an overnight field trip with a bunch of 4th graders (over 100 to be exact). Having spent an afternoon, evening, night, and morning with these folks, I have several reflections from that experience, some good and some bad. In no particular order, here they are:

1) American children are heavily medicated. When it came time to go to bed, the camp director brought out a HUGE cardboard box packed to the brim with freezer bags full of medications. Mind you, this was for ONE NIGHT. I doubt very seriously that any of them were antibiotics (you wouldn't have gone on this field trip if you were sick), so I might assume that most of them were ADHD-related drugs. I was astounded. Completely astounded. I don't even think I've seen that many medications in a nursing home. I'm sure that some were medically necessary, but the sheer volume of medications these children are on was very troubling to me. It can't be good for them to take that much medicine. It actually upset me.

2) American children are fascinated with adult men. I was one of three dads that took the trip. If I started talking (it didn't matter what I was talking about- telling a joke, telling a story, asking a question) within ten seconds there were fifteen to twenty kids surrounding me, listening, asking questions, etc. Many times I heard, "Mr. Kibler, Mr Kibler!" I would turn around and say, "Yes?" The child who called my name wouldn't really have anything to say. They would look right and left, trying to think of something to say. What that said to me was that they really didn't have anything important to tell me- they just wanted my attention.

This was true of both boys and girls, but especially the boys. I don't think it was because I'm particularly funny (I'm not) or particularly cool (I'm definitely not). It was simply because I am an adult man. To children who grew up with mothers, female daycare workers, and female teachers, being around a man is certainly a new experience. Men and fathers, the children in our homes and communities are really hungry for your presence in their lives.

3) American children are relatively helpless. I was amazed at what the children were not able to do. Simple tasks that should be easy were foreign and new to them. "Mr Kibler, I lost my socks," one kid told me.

"Well," I said, "this is a small cabin. Did you have them with you in here last night?"
"Yes."
"Have you looked for them around your bed?"
"No."
Then he stopped and looked at me with a pleading in his eyes that said, "It's too hard for me to look for them. Will you just find them for me please?"
I wasn't falling for it. "Well, you'd better look. They are probably right around your bed."
He dropped his shoulders in a dramatic fashion. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."
I said, "Well, you better, because I'm not looking for them."

The kid couldn't even look for his own socks, which wound up being under his bed.

I also had to help these ten-year-olds to fold their sleeping bags. Folding a sleeping bag is easy. It's not rocket science. But more than half, probably three-fourths of them, were unable to do it. What's worse, they didn't even try. They waited until someone else did it for them. I saw very clearly that this was the norm in the homes they came from. They were used to adults doing everything for them. They were so incredibly helpless. I felt bad for them. Remember parents, the number one rule of parenting is "Do nothing for your children that they can do for themselves." Allowing the child to struggle and fail before mastering a skill builds self-confidence in them. Overcoming obstacles is the key to success. If you aren't letting your children try and fail and try and fail, you are relegating them to a helpless existence. I certainly saw that on this trip.

4) American children are looking for strong leadership and boundaries. The kids played all day and had a great time canoeing, shooting bow and arrows, doing a ropes course, playing games, going hiking, and roasting marshmallows. They were unusually loud, even for ten-year-olds, and couldn't seem to do anything quietly. I knew we were heading for trouble as it came time to head back to the cabin for lights out. They were already running around and tackling each other and yelling and all that, beating on each other and screaming despite anything that the teachers and/or adults had to say.

I got all the kids in my cabin into the room, and I pulled out my "you-all-are-one-step-from-death" tone of voice that I use when demanding immediate obedience. I gave them the spiel that this was a cabin of 4th graders, not kindergarteners, and that I expected more self-control and more maturity than I was seeing. "The next one that yells or gets too loud," I said in my military voice, "will be doing pushups, wall-sits, and sit-ups until you puke. Then you'll clean it up and do some more. Anyone here think I'm playing? Just test me," I said, glaring at them. Their eyes got wide and their mouths dropped open.

Then, guess what happened? They calmed down. They asked me, in normal inside/calm voices, to tell them some of my funny stories. I told them the (true) story of a guy who went on his first date in college, wound up throwing his pants out the window on the train, and never spoke to the girl again. They thought it was hilarious. They were focused, they were receptive, they were respectful. I told them the story of the blind axe-murderer/ghost that walked with a limp through the campground at night, listening for noisy boys to chop up. THAT got 'em (that's all they talked about the next morning. I even pointed to an old cabin in the woods and told them that was his house).

One other things happened- when I decided not to put up with their immaturity and lack of self-control and called the smackdown on them, THEY HAD MORE FUN. Instead of chaos and hollering and screaming, they talked to one another. They told jokes. They laughed. They interacted with one another. Not one of them- NOT ONE OF THEM- crossed the line I had set. As I turned out the lights and said good night, I reflected that strong boundaries were what these kids were truly craving. We are doing our kids no favors by allowing them to act without self-control. We are doing our kids no favors by allowing immature and stupid behavior to go on. These kids thrived when boundaries were set with very dire consequences when crossed. American kids are hungry for strong leadership and boundaries.

Oh, one other thing- not one of them had to go to therapy because of how mean I was. As a matter of fact, the kids were happier, more respectful, and easier to deal with. Everyone had more fun.

5) American children need to be outdoors. The camp we went to was a 4-H camp. The kids were outside all day, coming in only to eat, then they were back outside. They learned about Kentucky wildlife. They learned about being part of the environment- the REAL environment, not some phony virtual-reality world of computers and video games. They got their shoes and clothes wet in the canoes. They got bitten by bugs. They went on a nighttime hike in only the moonlight. In other words- they LIVED.

I noticed something amazing- when the kids were given outside activities to do, not one of them complained. They loved it. They engaged fully with the things they were doing. No one was talking about movies or youtube videos or video games or anything else. They were outside and they were part of the real world.

I believe that is good for kids. I also believe that they don't get enough of it. Things like 4-H, hiking, canoeing, archery, shooting rifles and shotguns, kayaking, hiking, climbing, exploring- all those are essential parts of childhood, and I believe a great deal of our kids are missing out. Kids need to be outdoors more. They need to be in the world God created, not one that people created. Unfortunately, our kids are more and more absorbed into a world that isn't real- a manufactured, controlled, purchased world that comes to them through a screen. Do we really think this won't have an effect on them?

As we sat there this morning learning about Kentucky wildlife- seeing the skulls of black bears, feeling the skins of foxes and skunks and possums, holding deer antlers and elk antlers- I noticed how fascinated the kids were with them. This was real learning. This was real school. This wasn't going to be on any test. This wasn't going to be measured, evaluated, or graded. It was simply interesting. It was relevant. It was REAL EDUCATION, and guess what? The kids loved it. I reflected back on how much information I learned in school truly was irrelevant, and it made me sad to think that what was going on here was the exception, not the norm.

A true education is exciting. It's not always fun, I get that, but it should definitely be more fun than it has become. These kids loved it. They were learning. They were learning about their environment. They were learning about their home state. They were learning about animals that they shared this world with. It was true education.

6) American children need self-control. One of the most annoying things about chaperoning this group was their lack of self-control. These ten-year-olds, at least many of them, seemed incapable of doing anything without being distracted. Many of them couldn't even walk from one activity to the next (sometimes the distance was less than 100 yards) without veering off the path and having to be brought back. Many of them were incapable of sitting quietly for more than ten seconds. Kids being kids, you say.

Nope. Ten-year-olds demonstrating a lack of self-control. That's exactly what it was. They had been told repeatedly what to do. It was gone in ten seconds. Incapable of sitting still, incapable of walking in a straight line, incapable of following directions, incapable of staying focused. There is a definite need for self-control in America's children today.

Dave, you say, you're being harsh. You can't expect a ten-year-old to demonstrate self-control. You're asking too much.

If a kid can't walk a hundred yards from one station to the next without losing focus and running off, that's not normal. That's a lack of self-control and a lack of focus that should be present at this age. These aren't kindergartners. These are fourth-almost-fifth graders. They need boundaries and they need to be held to a higher standard than what we've been holding them to. Remember parents- we aren't raising children. We are raising ADULTS, and a person (whether child or adult) who cannot demonstrate self-control won't get very far in this world. The kids without self-control were the headaches for all of us adults. They were ANNOYING. Parents, if your child is incapable of controlling himself or herself, your kid is annoying. Fix it, please.


Lots to reflect on. I enjoyed my trip with the kids. The kids were fun- we had no issues of defiance, fighting, talking back, or anything else. Would I do it again? Yes. Parents, take a look at this list of reflections and use them to be the best parent you can be. God bless.

Parents, will your children continue in faith when they graduate high school?

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but most likely no.

When I was a youth minister, I was haunted by the statistic that showed that 80% of children who grew up in the church, who were active in youth ministry, whose parents were Christian, who went on youth trips and mission trips and were baptized and the whole nine yards abandoned the church within six months of graduating high school.

So I knocked myself out trying to make sure we reached the kids in middle school and high school. I planned more and more events, did outreach to hundreds of kids, taught the Bible, took the kids on mission trips to let them experience their faith, and literally did everything in my power to DEFEAT that statistic. I even told my youth volunteers that the mark of success in our ministry was, "if these kids are still part of the church when they are eighty years old."

I failed.

I don't have hard data, but just an estimation is that the ministries I was in charge of had the same retention rate as everyone else. There are now quite a few kids, who are now adults, who are not only NOT part of the church but are militant atheists, mocking and scoffing at all things Christian. Many times, these were leaders- some of the most dedicated kids I ever saw.

Do I still believe in youth ministry? Yes. But I have learned one painful thing- it is incomplete. Woefully incomplete.

Converts may leave the faith. Church members may leave the faith. Baptized believers may leave the faith. Disciples, however, don't.

Disciples don't leave the faith. They don't leave the church. And this is what has been causing the 80% statistic- we have failed to make disciples out of our children and teenagers.  But who, pray tell, is responsible for discipleship? Whose job is it to make disciples out of our children and teens?

Parents.

Christian parents, to be exact.

When Jesus gave the Great Commission in Matthew 28:18-20, He told all His disciples to "go into the world and make disciples." That is our job. That is our one task. It isn't to win the world. It isn't to be successful and rich. It isn't to have a large crowd. It is simply to make disciples.

Parents, listen- your first disciples are your children.

I am asking you, literally begging you, to wake up. I am tired of listening to heartbroken parents whose children have come home and said, "I'm not going to church anymore." I'm tired of beating my head against the wall trying to design ministries, sermons, trips, etc that will somehow make lifelong disciples out of your children. Guess what? I can't. No pastor can. God has given this task to YOU- and to me as a parent- to disciple our children.

Children's ministries and youth ministries are good things. In fact, they can be excellent things. But they are not enough to reach your child. Only you can do this. This is a task given to you and you alone.

Right now I am teaching my oldest daughter how to drive. It has been a scary experience, to say the least. Putting a teenager in charge of a 2000-pound vehicle going seventy miles an hour is enough to make even the toughest parent a little queasy. However, it is my job to teach her as well as I can so that she will be prepared to drive by herself one of these days. The job of the parent is to ride in the car with the teenager, letting her practice, giving her real-time feedback about what to do and how to drive.

However, every parent knows this is a temporary situation. The permit phase of driving has a time limit, and no parent is expecting to still be riding shotgun with his daughter twenty years from now. No, the purpose is to train them up and let them go out on their own. This is what discipleship is. It is walking with your child through life's decisions, training them in godliness and faith, with the understanding that they will be leaving the house and walking in faith on their own.

How many parents really do this when it comes to their Christian faith? Sadly, not many.

So parents, I want you to close your eyes and fast forward to the time when your child is graduating high school. He will be going off to college soon. He will have freedoms he has never had before. Have you adequately prepared him, from a faith perspective, to continue in his faith when he is no longer around you? Does he know how to walk with Jesus, to serve, to grow in faith, without you? Is he prepared to handle pressures of adult life, making decisions that honor God and will keep him firmly rooted in the faith he grew up in?

Now, parents, I want you to imagine that he comes home from school for Christmas break. Sunday morning rolls around and you are preparing to head to church. He is still in bed. You go wake him up to go to church as a family like you normally do. Through still-closed eyes, he mumbles, "I'm not going."

"But we go to church as a family," you say.

"Church was fine when I was a kid, mom," he says, "but I'm just not interested anymore. I'm not going."

You stand there shocked.

How do I know this?

This was a conversation I overheard in my home when my brother came home from Emory his sophomore year. I remember how upset my parents were. I remember being pretty mad at him. I remember my parents questioning their parenting, pleading with him over the next several years to come back to faith. By the grace of God, he's back, but only after life knocked him around and about destroyed him.

I don't say that to criticize my family. God has been gracious to us over the years. What I am saying is I pray that never happens to any of you reading this blog. However, unless something changes, about 80% of you WILL have that conversation with your children when they graduate high school.

Parents, disciple your children. If you don't, it's pretty much a guarantee that at some very soon date, they will abandon their faith. Their eternity will be in question. They will make decisions based on Hollywood's and the media's influence, not the Bible's. They will become no different than those around them- they will have the same values, the same goals, the same lifestyles, the same everything as any other non-Christian around them.

Nothing concerns me more as a parent.

God has given you a task. You are to make disciples. Your first disciples are your children. It is YOUR responsibility to bring up children in the faith. Church on Sunday isn't enough. Youth group and CIY trips aren't enough. Teach them the Bible. Lead by example. Discuss world events through a Christian lens. Believe me- they are listening. Constantly ask them, when it is time for a decision, what a Christian would do. Teach them to pray over big decisions- who to date, where to go to school, what sports to play, what friends to choose. Do all of those things through the lens of discipleship.

I'm tired of seeing undiscipled young people grow up and leave the church. I'm tired of comforting distraught Christian parents who are mourning their child's exodus from the faith. I'm tired of having to pray, again and again, for someone's grown child who "grew up in the church and should know better" as they abandon their faith and move in with a boyfriend or girlfriend before marriage. I'm tired of always dealing with the symptoms of a lack of discipleship in the home.

Let's take on the root- let's move our homes into ones where our main job is discipleship. Our main job as parents is to pass on a living, vibrant faith to our children. If that isn't happening, we are missing our main priority. After all, in 150 years, your children's faith, or lack of faith, is all that is going to matter.

The importance of Christian conversation in the home

I was a youth minister for nine years, and have continued to work with Christian teens since. I led a high school small group at my house for a year, as well as going on youth trips, retreats, and outings. One thing that I will tell you that I've noticed in many Christian teens: they are incapable of Christian conversation.

They are well-versed in Twitter and Snapchat. They can speak for hours on the Kardashians or whatever country music star is in the spotlight. They can speak for days on school, sports, or whatever topic suits them. Bring up the Bible? Bring up faith? Bring up Jesus? Blank stares.

This certainly isn't all teens, but the vast majority of them are this way. These are kids who have spent their entire lives in church. These are teens from Christian families. However, they are unable to have any kind of meaningful Christian conversation. Why is this?

There is one major factor in whether or not a Christian teen is able to have Christian conversation. One factor. It isn't the health of the youth group. It isn't the health of the church. It isn't anything like that.

It is the degree to which Christian conversation happens in their homes.

Teens who regularly hear Christian conversation from their parents are the ones who are able to speak about their faith outside the home. Teens who sit at the dinner table with mom and dad and hear thoughts on Jesus' words, opinions on faith matters, and reflections on life are the ones who are able to carry on Christian conversation with other teens and adults.

In my family, my children regularly hear Christian conversation, not just in my home, but in the homes of the grandparents as well.  Hardly a family gathering goes by that they don't hear the adults talking about church, talking about spiritual disciplines, talking about world events through a Christian lens, talking about issues and problems and everything else through the filter of Scripture. They regularly hear their grandparents reflect on how Scripture is to be lived out in life. They regularly hear Jesus' words spoken from one Christian to another.

How about your family? Do your children hear Christian conversation from you?

Believe me, they hear all kinds of conversation. That conversation shapes their beliefs, morals, values, views on church, views on Jesus, views on life, and everything in between.

Exposing our children to adult Christian conversation is probably the best way to teach the faith. Christianity is far more often caught than it is taught, and one hour of Sunday church a week is a poor substitute for Christian parents sitting around a table speaking about their faith journeys in front of their children, inviting them to participate and develop their worldview from a Christian perspective.

How often do you share your faith journey with your children?

How often do you comment on world events from a Christian perspective?

How often do your children hear about what you are reading in the Bible?

How often do you use car time, meal time, etc to communicate the truths of the faith to your children?

The inability of our Christian teenagers to have Christian conversation shows that not much of that is going on in Christian homes. Christian teenagers should readily be able to engage adults in matters of faith- speaking of experiences and participating in discussions of things more important than the recent celebrity crisis or the most recent sexual exploit of pop singers and divas.

Can your child engage in Christian conversation? Can you?

I think we make passing along our faith more difficult than it really is. We certainly need directed times of study and prayer. That much is certain. However, your children are much more likely to pick up their faith from you in casual conversation. Explain to them your decisions- why you made this or that decision according to your faith. Explain to them your faith journey- where you were ten years ago and how your beliefs have changed as a result of your growing faith. Explain to them, and invite their participation in, a teaching of Jesus that you struggle with. All of that builds faith in our families.

John Paton, a Scottish missionary, wrote this about his childhood growing up, "Our place of worship was the Reformed Presbyterian Church at Dumfries . . .  four miles from our home, but the tradition is that during all these forty years my father was only three times prevented from attending the worship of God.  Each of us, from very early years, considered it no penalty, but a great joy, to go with our father to church; the four miles were a treat to our young spirits, the company by the way was a fresh incitement . . .  A few other pious men and women, of the best evangelical type, went along with us. And when these God-fearing peasants gathered on the way to or from the House of God, we youngsters had sometimes rare glimpses of what Christian talk may be and ought to be. They went to church, full of beautiful expectancy of spirit- their souls were on the outlook for God, and they returned from church, ready and even anxious to exchange ideas as to what they had heard and received of the things of life."

People, that's as good as it gets right there. Children listening to the Christian conversations of adults around them. Learning from adults as the adults' conversations revolve around the things of God. That is how we disciple our children. Christianity is far more often caught than it is taught. Maybe we need to grab hold of this and make it happen in our homes.  The future of your children's faith will most likely depend on it.

Parents, teach your child this one thing to ensure their success in life

I was in India when I learned the secret of life.

It was my first time in Asia. My parents had hammered manners into me as a child. I couldn't speak the local language yet I interacted with many of them, so I was careful to over-communicate my thankfulness and enjoyment and respect to the people there. (I frightened one poor lady- we were at her home and I was sitting at the table talking with some other men when she approached the table with tea. Being a good southerner, when I saw her approach the table, I stood up. I thought I was showing respect, but I startled her so much that she almost dropped the platter and spilled the tea. She thought I was leaving and that somehow she had offended me. Clash of cultures!)

I was about ready to speak at a nightly outdoor service. There were over two thousand people in attendance, about half Christian and about half Hindu. Many were people who were curious because they had never seen a white person before. I was a first for many of them.

When it was my time to stand up to speak, I walked to the platform, sat down on the ground, took off my shoes, and then went up on stage. I preached the message along with my awesome translator, and then afterwards many people came forward to receive Christ and request baptism.

The next day, we rode with the seventy people who were going to be baptized out to a river. No baptistries were around- they used the Biblical old-school river baptisms straight out of the New Testament. One of the men, when it was his turn for baptism, turned to me and told me the following:

"I am a Hindu, from a Hindu family. I had never heard of Christ before, and I had no intention of listening last night. The only reason I showed up was that I had never seen a white person before. Well, I saw you. When you stood up to preach, I was about ready to leave, but when I saw you sit on the ground and take off your shoes, I was stunned. I said, 'This man respects us.' I was not expecting that. No man of dignity, let alone a white person, would EVER sit on the ground. That's what children do. But after you removed your shoes, I decided to sit and listen. I'm glad I did. Now I know about Jesus."

What I learned from that experience is that respect is the universal language.

Respect is the way to open doors, to open hearts, to open opportunities that were previously closed. A respectful person- a person who values others, does not insist on his or her own way, a person who uses manners, expresses gratitude, and exercises self-control especially around his or her elders is a person who is going to be successful in this life.

Respect cut through language barriers in India. I couldn't communicate words, but believe me, I was still communicating. A small gesture that I thought was insignificant was HUGE to the people of India. It pleased them greatly to see a foreigner respect their customs and ways. It opened hearts to the gospel.

Parents, raise respectful children. Do not allow your children to refer to adults by their first names. Do not let them get away without saying "Please," "Thank you," and "Yes," (not yeah). Teach your sons and daughters to hold the door for people behind them. Teach them to be polite in other peoples' homes. Teach them to over communicate their thankfulness when someone does something for them. Insist that they write thank-you notes at birthdays and Christmas.

Respect.

You raise children that do those things, and the world will open up for them.

I was at my son's taekwondo class. Class had just gotten over, and parents and children were heading for the door. I opened the door and three of the cutest little girls (couldn't have been more than 4, 5, and 6) walked through. As they went through, all three of them, almost in unison, looked me IN THE FACE and said with a smile, "Thank you sir."

I said, "Wait! Whoa!" I turned to their mother, who was right beside them, and I said, "Your children have excellent manners." I got down on the children's level and said, "Do you have any idea how nice, as an adult, it was to hear that from you? Do you have any idea how respected I feel right now? Thank you." Turning back to their mother, I said, "Your children will have no trouble in this world. If this is the way they make adults feel, they will get every job they apply for, they will get every opportunity they try for, because they have absolutely no competition."

I have worked in many places. I have hired people, managed people, and lead a staff right now. I believe I would argue that I would rather have a respectful employee than an intelligent employee. I would rather have an employee that is respectful to customers than one who got straight A's but treats people terribly. Parents, are you emphasizing respect as much as grades? Are you emphasizing respect as much as sports?

Believe me, respect is the universal language. Disrespect is the universal turn-off. People have all the time in the world for a polite, respectful person. They've got no time at all for a disrespectful jerk. If doors are closed to you, or your children, take a look at how respectful you are or they are. Do you use "sir" or "ma'am" especially when speaking to someone older? Do you use "thank you" and "please" or are they absent from your vocabulary?

Maybe your problem is that you simply aren't respectful, or your children aren't. Model respect for your children. They will follow suit. By teaching them respect, you will ensure their success in this world. They will stand out because, like I said before, they will have NO competition.

Coming Face-to-Face with the "American Parent, version 2014"

I am a high school soccer referee.  I am also a kids' soccer coach.  Both put in close proximity with American kids on a regular basis.

95% of the kids I see are fine. They play by the rules, they are respectful, and they don't cause any problems.  However, I've run across two problem kids in the last two weeks.

Well, I shouldn't actually say problem kids. It's really not their fault. The problems lie with the parents.

Example one- I was refereeing a high school match that was rather boring. One team was beating the other team rather handily, and the winning team was quite mouthy. Every time a blade of grass landed on one of them too heavily they complained about a foul. "Ref, didn't you see that?" "Ref, aren't you going to call that?" Well, obviously, my reffing wasn't affecting them THAT much, seeing as how the other team rarely got the ball past the half line and they maintained possession of the ball 90% of the time. They just needed something to cry about, I guess.

Well, I won't go into details, but let's just say that one of the players, after scoring goal #4, looked at me and mouthed off something that was quite disrespectful. I gave him a yellow card, which was just a warning. I figured that would be enough- I mean, for crying out loud, they were up 4-0 with six minutes left in the game. What do you need to be mouthy about?

When I showed him the card, he looked at me in a condescending manner and said, "I guess you're really proud of that one, aren't you ref?" and as he ran by me, patted me on my shoulder. Rule one, sonny- don't touch me. That's an automatic ejection from ANY sport. Don't touch the ref. If that wasn't enough, your mouth just earned you an ejection and a one-game suspension. Out came the red card. He was gone.

After the match, the coach came over and tried to blame me for his player's actions. He explained to me that I couldn't expect a 17-year-old to maintain his composure in a hotly contested district match, and that my attitude was responsible for his ejection.  Now, I'm trying to think of what would had happened if I, as a 17-year-old, would have said what that player said to any adult, let alone a ref. My dad would have run down on the field, dragged me off the field by my ear, made me apologize, and grounded me for a week. My coach would have made me apologize and probably made me do pushups and run laps, and probably would have suspended me for another game.

I told the coach that the ejection stood and he needed to teach his players to shut up, especially when given a yellow card. I told him to quit rationalizing his player's behavior or he would never learn his lesson.  The next day, I get a call from our referee assigner, saying that the player's little mommy had called him, demanding to know my name, phone number, and why I was allowed to ref.  Apparently the player had gone home and told his mommy that big bad mean ref was cussing out the players, and all he did was stick up for himself.  Of course, mommy believed her perfect little boy and caused a huge stink.  When I explained to him what had actually happened, he muttered in disgust and said not to worry about anything else.

Example two- without divulging too much information, one of the players I coach exhibited terrible sportsmanship a little while ago after a win. During the handshake, instead of saying, "Good game" like he was supposed to, he said, "Thanks for losing, thanks for losing" to all the players, rubbing salt into their wounds. When I confronted him on it, he promised me he hadn't said it, even going to far as to say "I swear to  . . . " that he didn't do it. When an adult on the other team pointed him out, I confronted him again, and at that point, he confessed to saying it.

Okay, so bad sportsmanship AND lying to my face.  Not a good combo.  I told him, "Come on, let's go apologize to the other team." So he followed me over and apologized. Good boy. I was just about to ask him if he had anything to say to me for lying to me, when his mom got in my face and told me in no uncertain terms that I was never to "single her boy" out like that again.  I was quite taken aback. Single him out? He had not only insulted the entire other team, exhibiting poor sportsmanship and, quite frankly, being a jerk, but also lied baldfaced to me!

I asked her, "So what I did was wrong.  Making a kid apologize to people he's offended is the wrong thing?" She muttered in disgust, turned around, and walked away.

Face to face with American parenting, 2014. There is a very toxic strain of American parenting that says, "My kid would never do anything wrong, and if you have the gall to call it, YOU'RE the bad guy."  I have a new sympathy for teachers and educators who deal with this kind of lunacy everyday.

If this is you, as a parent, shame on you. You are crippling your children. You are raising them up to be sociopaths- people who have no conscience, who blame others for everything, who will always see themselves as the victims, who will never respect anyone or anything (including themselves) and who will have no character. You are raising your child up to think he can do no wrong.

What are you going to do, toxic parent, when your child gets fired from his first job? Call the CEO and complain? Sue the company? Swoop in and save your child from his own actions? Probably. You've been doing that all his life- why would you stop now?  How will your child ever succeed if he never learns the hard lessons in life?  Hard lessons such as- being disrespectful closes every door to opportunity your child might have; mouthing off to adults gets you labelled a "bad kid" and no one gives you the time of day; lying makes people dislike you and not trust you; being a bad sport makes you a very lonely person because no one wants to be around you; and those that can't control their mouths develop the reputation as being a jerk.

Like I said earlier, 95% of the kids I work with are fantastic. Honestly, these two kids would probably be good kids if they had better parents. However, their parents have set them up to fail, and fail hard. A 17-year-old who is old enough to drive, who will be voting next year for our nation's leaders, and who is about to go to college who thinks he can speak to adults in disrespectful tones is going to fail in life. He won't be able to hold a job if he talks to his boss that way. He won't be able to stay married if he talks to his spouse that way. He has learned, by his parents' actions, that speaking that way is okay. They've totally destroyed his future.

Likewise, a younger child who is capable of looking into a grown man's face without hesitation and lying, even invoking the name of God to cover his lie, isn't going to get very far in life. Not only have the parents not taught them the right way, they actively criticize and go after the one who called them on it!  Those kids learned two things- it wasn't their fault, and they were victims. Nothing they did was wrong- it was the big bad adult who was trying to "single them out" and make them feel bad.

I hope that these two incidents are isolated, but I'm afraid they aren't.  I'm hearing of this more and more- parents who go on the offensive against anyone who dares call our their kid on what everyone else agrees is inappropriate and/or wrong. Kids never develop character; society de-evolves as a larger number of kids become adults who were coddled, told they were perfect, never disciplined, and never corrected.

My condolences to all adults who work with kids- I'll bet you have stories similar to this where you have encountered the "American Parent, version 2014." My prayers are with educators, coaches, youth and children's ministers, and all others whose only reason for staying in the game is that their love for kids is greater than their disgust at APV 2014. If you are an APV 2014, change now. You are destroying your children as well as annoying all the rest of us.  Stop it now, and begin building character in your kids. Believe me, they will thank you later.

Waking up stubborn kids for school- a glimpse into America's situation before God?

I am a father of four children (three here on earth and one in heaven) and like all parents, it's my job to make sure kids get to school.  Now, this becomes a problem when tired kids don't want to get out of bed.

I'm an early riser.  Always have been, always will be.  I am both a night owl AND a morning person, and getting out of bed has never been an issue for me. Most of the time I don't even need an alarm- I tell myself when I go to bed what time I need to be awake, and most of the time, I wake up within a few minutes of that time. Yes, weird.

However, it would appear that none of my children received this "wake up on your own" gene from me, especially my teenagers.  Those of you with teenagers know the difficulty in getting non-morning people out of bed: it is a frustrating battle sometimes.

I've found that I typically go through five stages when trying to wake my kids up:

Stage 1- gentle words.  "Time to get up, sweetie. It's 7:00.  Time to get up," said in a very gentle, low tone.  Sometimes that is enough.  When it isn't, however, I go to stage two.

Stage 2- gentle touch. Continuing to use gentle words, I reach over to a shoulder and gently shake. Sometimes THAT is enough. When it isn't, however, I go to stage three.

Stage 3- stronger words.  "Okay, it's really time to get up. Let's go.  Out of bed," using a more military, commanding tone.  Sometimes THAT is enough. When it isn't, however, I go to stage four.

Stage 4- stronger touch. Continuing to use stronger words, I do something that resembles playing drums on their arms, shaking them a little more strongly.  Sometimes THAT is enough.  When it isn't, however, I go on to the fifth and final stage.

Stage 5- The Icewater Bucket.  No explanation necessary.

One way or another, the kids are going to get up.  It is not an option for me to stop at stage two, or three, and say, "Wow- I think I'll just let them sleep in today."  Not an option.  They WILL get out of bed.  The only question is, "How much pain are they going to experience BEFORE they wake up?

As a parent, I would rather my children wake up on the first call.  I would much rather just use gentle words and have them pop right out of bed.  I don't enjoy raising my voice and I especially don't want to douse them in ice water. I will if I have to, but that is not my intention.

However, the ball is in my children's court.  They decide when they wake up, they decide which stage is the one they respond to, and they decide how much pain they will endure before they wake up.

The same is true of God and our beloved America, particularly the church.

John Piper, writing about revival, says this,

“Revival is the sovereign work of God to awaken His people with fresh intensity to the truth and glory of God, the ugliness of sin, the horror of hell, the preciousness of Christ’s atoning work, the wonder of salvation by grace through faith, the urgency of holiness and mission, and the sweetness of worship with God’s people.”- John Piper, A Godward Life, p 111

The sovereign work of God to awaken His people.

Throughout history, God has awakened His people.  There have been many awakenings here in America.  When a country or nation drifts away from God, begins to spiral downward into sin, thumbs its nose at its Creator, and shouts like a defiant teenager in God's face, God moves to awaken them from their sin-induced slumber.

 God progresses through these stages like a parent trying to wake up his child.  First, He uses gentle words. No physical judgment or pain yet, just corrective words. If the nation responds and wakes up from its disobedience and repents, no further action is necessary.

However, if the nation doesn't respond, God allows a little physical discomfort. Maybe the economy dips slightly, maybe crime rises, maybe atheistic forces win a few court cases.  Still, nothing major- most people are not affected and continue on their daily lives, still asleep in their sin and apathy towards God.

Then, stage three hits and stronger words are used.  God's prophets used words comparing Israel to an adulteress, calling them to repentance and calling them to turn from their sins.  If the nation stubbornly refuses to change, God moves to stage four.

Now, real physical pain starts. Godless nations rise against the people (the Assyrians for Israel and the Babylonians for Judah). Secure foundations are shaken- military suffers a defeat or two, economy hits the skids, social problems arise such as escalating divorce rates, escalating abortion rates, corrupt leaders. God begins to move in a more direct disciplinary fashion, removing idols and allowing the house built on sand to begin imploding.  All of this is still His attempt to wake up a slumbering nation from its sin and rebellion.

When that is not enough, God moves into the final stage- judgment.  This is the ice bucket in the face of the sleeping teenager.  In Israel's time, the Assyrian army conquered the northern kingdom, killed the inhabitants, ripped open pregnant women, and carted the survivors off into captivity and slavery. God allows evil to have free reign for a limited time so that the people can see the true fruit of rejecting God. The same was true of Judah- the Babylonian army smashed the walls of Jerusalem and did the exact same thing. 

The question for the nation isn't whether or not we are going to wake up.  The question is only at which STAGE are we going to wake up. How much pain are we going to endure before we repent and turn back to God? Will it be at God's gentle words? Or will it take the stage five ice bucket in the face?  

Will America only repent and turn to God if ISIS infiltrates our nation and kills millions of people in nuclear terror attacks? Will America wait until an Ebola plague that kills millions to wake up and repent?  Will America only repent when our dollar overnight becomes worthless and our economy resembles the Weimar republic with millions thrown out of work, every day becoming a challenge just to get bread and water?

Like I said, God isn't going to just stop at gentle words. He's not going to stop at a gentle shaking.  I don't do that as a parent, and He doesn't do that as God. If He is calling a nation to repentance, it's going to repent.  The only question is how much pain that nation will experience before it repents.  

I say we learn the lessons of history. I say we as a nation, and especially as a church, repent for our sin-induced slumber. We must repent for our cowardice in proclaiming the gospel. We must repent for our desire for comfort at the expense of the hungry. We must repent at our lack of Biblical knowledge.  We must repent for our belittling the glory of God.  We must repent of our idolatry, allowing sports and money and cars and status and houses occupy our hearts and minds. We must repent of our dishonesty and lack of integrity.  We must repent of raising our children without character and without values, placing within them an entitlement mentality where they can do no wrong. 

We must, finally, repent of our neglect of the Great Commission and the ease with which we sleep at night knowing people are going to hell never having heard about Jesus.

I say we are somewhere between stage three and stage four right now as a nation, America. History has shown us what happens when we refuse to wake up, and I don't want to go there. There is still time. Call on the Lord, for He is merciful and loving, slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Let us turn from our sin, our lethargy, and our idolatry and allow Him to heal our land.  

Allow Him to heal the state of our marriages.  Allow Him to heal the home.  Allow Him to heal us of the drug epidemic and and STD epidemic. Allow Him to replace the hopelessness and cynicism and unbelief with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It's up to us, America.  God, like a parent, is trying to wake us up.  I say we take the hint.