Most parents I know are exhausted . . . and they don't have to be

I interact with a lot of parents, both from being a pastor and from the fact that I AM a parent and most of my friends are as well.  I have noticed two things recently- one that is obvious and one that isn't so obvious.

The obvious one is that most parents I know are exhausted.  That's not exactly rocket science.  Being a parent is time-consuming, sacrificial, and energy-draining.  It is hard being needed at all times, at the most inconvenient times, and it is very thankless job.

The one that might not be so obvious, however, is something that has been an increasingly popular trend among parents in the last thirty years.  I don't know how it started, why it started, or who started it.  It has become so ingrained in the American parent that most of us don't even notice that we are doing it.  It has negatively affected our kids, our society, and ultimately, us as parents.  It's one of the main reasons why parents are exhausted all the time.  Want to know what it is?  It's simple.

We do things for our kids that they can do for themselves.

I catch myself doing it.  I catch myself putting on my 6-year old's shoes for him.  Why the heck am I putting a 6-year-old's shoes on for him?  He can do it himself.  My wife and I catch ourselves setting the table at dinnertime (after going to work, earning the money to pay for dinner, coming home, fixing the meal, getting it all ready, etc).  Why?  My three kids are fully capable of setting the table.  We catch ourselves waking our kids up in the morning for school.  Why?  They can set their own alarms.

My six-year old still needs me to cut up meat for him at dinnertime.  What that usually means is that by the time I fix his plate and actually fix mine, he's done eating and wants more.  Most of the time, I would stop, still not having eaten a bite, and get him more.  I realized that I was training him to expect me to be at his beck and call.  So, the next time it happened, I simply said, "I'll do that when I'm done eating."

Guess what happened- he waited.  He realized that he wouldn't starve to death waiting ten minutes.

So, from now on, if my son (or anyone) wants seconds, they can flat out wait until I am done.  I am under no obligation whatsoever to stop what I am doing to serve their needs.  Unfortunately, this is revolutionary, and I mean REVOLUTIONARY, concept to far too many parents today.

I know a parent who still opens the car door for her ten year old.  I know another parent who still pours the milk on the cereal of her twelve year old.  Still another parent lays out the clothes for her sixteen year old the night before school.  I know parents whose children verbally harass and abuse them, then pick up their iPhone that the parents paid for, log on to the internet using a data plan the parents pay for, trash their parents, then go to a room the parents pay for, enjoy the A/C and heat the parents pay for, lie down in a bed the parents paid for, watch a tv the parents paid for . . .  then wake up to put on clothes the parents pay for, come downstairs the next morning and eat food the parents pay for, text their friends again using a phone and data plan the parents pay for, and then accuse the parents of ruining their lives.

We catch ourselves doing things for our children that they are fully capable of doing for themselves.  We make very few demands on our children.  Meanwhile, mom and dad are mowing the lawn, dusting, doing laundry, fixing meals . . . .  while the kids contribute nothing.  And we wonder why we are so tired all the time?

This is a fairly recent phenomenon in American history.  Most of us in our thirties and older grew up with long lists of chores that we had to do to contribute to the family.  Most parents I know today, by their own admission, have very very few chores for their kids to do, if any at all. 

Somewhere in American culture, it was communicated to parents that it is our job to serve our kids.  It was communicated that that's what a good parent does.  What kind of idiot came up with that?

A good parent is one that prepares his or her child for adulthood.  A good parent is one that teaches the child that being part of the family is greater than showing up mealtime and having mom and dad pay for their cell phone coverage.  A good parent is one that teaches work ethic, humility, faith, financial responsibility, and the importance of being others-centered.  That doesn't happen with mom and dad doing all the work.

Parents, today, sit down and make a list of things that you constantly do for your kids that they can do for themselves.  Then, stop doing them.  Oh, your kids will bellyache and whine and cry and accuse you of being unfair.  Then, they will put on their big girl panties and do it themselves.  We are doing our children no favors whatsoever by doing things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves.

Stop being your childrens' servant.  Make them do everything for themselves that they are capable of doing.  Make them do things to help out.  They will be happier and healthier.  Ever seen a joyful person who was on welfare?  Me neither.  The happiest people are ones that provide for themselves and contribute to something bigger than them.  Our kids need to take care of themselves and contribute to the family.  Try it and see.

Remember, parents- you are raising adults, not children. If you raise a child, what do you get? A child. If you raise an adult, you get an adult. That should be our ultimate goal as parents- to produce self-sufficient, free, independent adults capable of managing their own lives without us. We won't be around forever. Our children need to learn to provide for themselves.

Do nothing for your children that they can do for themselves. Try it and see.

At least you won't be so tired all the time.