As a pastor, I do a lot of weddings. As time has gone on, it's become more and more common, for the couples who approach me to do their wedding, for them to already be living together.
This is true of nonbelievers as well as Christians. The rate is lower for Christian couples (in my experience, I'd say it's about one-third as much as non-Christian couples) but it is becoming more and more common. Some say it's just the way the culture is; I should accept it as normal and just deal with it.
Well, I don't.
I discourage young, unmarried couples from living together before marriage. It's not because I'm old-fashioned or out of touch. It's because couples who live together before marriage divorce at higher rates than couples that don't. WHAT? Yes. It's true.
You would think the opposite would be true. You would think that people who have had a "test run" of what marriage is going to be like would be more successful. You would think that they have tried it on, swam around in it, and have concluded it's a good partnership while living together, and that marriage would work out better for those folks as opposed to the couples who have just dated and have never shared a bed, a mortgage, and an address.
So, why DO couples who live together divorce at a higher rate, somewhere near double, non-cohabitating couples?
Let's say that for Christmas you get a shirt, a stereo, a phone, and some money. Nice Christmas. But hold on. Let's back it up just a second. Let's say that instead of getting that stuff on December 25th, you get the shirt in January. You get the stereo in February. You get the phone in May. You get the money in July. Then, on December 24th, your family takes that shirt, stereo, phone, and money and wraps it up in a big box and gives it to you for Christmas!
Would you be excited? Not really.
Why not? Simple: nothing changed as a result of Christmas. You've had the same stuff all year long that you "got" for Christmas. Pretty soon, if this happens year after year, you'd probably stop celebrating Christmas- at least the gift-giving part.
What I hate about couples that live together before marriage is that it completely destroys the purpose of the wedding. Human rituals exist for a reason- there is something denied to you before the ritual that, after the ritual, you now have the privilege to do. Take graduation for example- prior to graduation you are in high school and are not allowed into college. After graduation, you now have the ability to go to college and are not obligated by law to go to high school. In other words, something changed.
In Indian tribes, young boys were not allowed to be a part of the tribal council. Then, they would go through manhood ceremonies, usually something akin to leaving the tribe and surviving for a week or month on their own. When they return, they are now seen as men and allowed the privilege of sitting in the tribal council. That's how human rituals work- prior to the ritual, you are denied something; after the ritual, you are privileged to do what you previously weren't allowed to do.
Marriage is supposed to be that way. Prior to marriage, couples are supposed to remain sexually abstinent, keep separate addresses, and keep that boundary. After the marriage ceremony, the couple is now allowed to do what they previously weren't. They consummate their marriage, move into the same house, combine finances, and raise children till death to they part.
In modern America, however, especially in cohabitation, that part is removed. Nothing changes for the couple. They come home from the honeymoon and they enter the same house they lived in prior to the wedding. They sleep in the same bed, have the same sex, watch the same tv, sit at the same breakfast table, mow the same yard, and walk the same dog. NOTHING CHANGED. It's like the Christmas morning described above. I would imagine it is quite anti-climactic.
Since nothing changes post-wedding, the tendency is to assume that therefore their marriage is nothing but a piece of paper. After all, the only thing that really changed after the wedding was the fact that now they have a piece of paper saying they are married. A piece of paper is easier to walk away from than a commitment that caused major change in your life. That's why co-habitating couples divorce at a higher rate than non-cohabitating couples.
To the couples reading this that are living together without being married- when you get married, what is going to change? What is going to really mark your wedding as something significant? If you, like so many couples, are planning on coming home to the same house, the same bed, the same table, the same family room, the same sex, the same everything- did you really get married? If nothing changed, if you and your significant other are doing the exact same thing after the wedding as before the wedding, how truly significant was your wedding?
Like the old saying goes, "Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free?"
For me and my wife, when we got married almost twenty years ago, it involved massive change. We moved into our amazing 800-square-foot duplex in the back of a run-down neighborhood. We combined bank accounts. We slept in the same bed together for the first time. We had our own breakfast table for the first time. We went on vacations together for the first time without our parents. We went to work and brought home a paycheck, not for ourselves, but for our new little family for the first time. In other words, lots of things changed, and therefore our marriage was something sacred and set apart.
That is why I counsel couples NOT to live together before marriage. Other than the obvious prohibitions on premarital sex in the Christian faith, I hold marriage sacred. There should be things in married life that were off-limits to you as a single person. All human ceremony and ritual is based on this. If you're able to do everything you want both prior to AND after the ceremony or ritual, you will conclude that the ceremony or ritual is unnecessary.
Keep marriage sacred and set apart. Keep strong boundaries around your heart prior to marriage. Do NOT live together before marriage.
This is true of nonbelievers as well as Christians. The rate is lower for Christian couples (in my experience, I'd say it's about one-third as much as non-Christian couples) but it is becoming more and more common. Some say it's just the way the culture is; I should accept it as normal and just deal with it.
Well, I don't.
I discourage young, unmarried couples from living together before marriage. It's not because I'm old-fashioned or out of touch. It's because couples who live together before marriage divorce at higher rates than couples that don't. WHAT? Yes. It's true.
You would think the opposite would be true. You would think that people who have had a "test run" of what marriage is going to be like would be more successful. You would think that they have tried it on, swam around in it, and have concluded it's a good partnership while living together, and that marriage would work out better for those folks as opposed to the couples who have just dated and have never shared a bed, a mortgage, and an address.
So, why DO couples who live together divorce at a higher rate, somewhere near double, non-cohabitating couples?
Let's say that for Christmas you get a shirt, a stereo, a phone, and some money. Nice Christmas. But hold on. Let's back it up just a second. Let's say that instead of getting that stuff on December 25th, you get the shirt in January. You get the stereo in February. You get the phone in May. You get the money in July. Then, on December 24th, your family takes that shirt, stereo, phone, and money and wraps it up in a big box and gives it to you for Christmas!
Would you be excited? Not really.
Why not? Simple: nothing changed as a result of Christmas. You've had the same stuff all year long that you "got" for Christmas. Pretty soon, if this happens year after year, you'd probably stop celebrating Christmas- at least the gift-giving part.
What I hate about couples that live together before marriage is that it completely destroys the purpose of the wedding. Human rituals exist for a reason- there is something denied to you before the ritual that, after the ritual, you now have the privilege to do. Take graduation for example- prior to graduation you are in high school and are not allowed into college. After graduation, you now have the ability to go to college and are not obligated by law to go to high school. In other words, something changed.
In Indian tribes, young boys were not allowed to be a part of the tribal council. Then, they would go through manhood ceremonies, usually something akin to leaving the tribe and surviving for a week or month on their own. When they return, they are now seen as men and allowed the privilege of sitting in the tribal council. That's how human rituals work- prior to the ritual, you are denied something; after the ritual, you are privileged to do what you previously weren't allowed to do.
Marriage is supposed to be that way. Prior to marriage, couples are supposed to remain sexually abstinent, keep separate addresses, and keep that boundary. After the marriage ceremony, the couple is now allowed to do what they previously weren't. They consummate their marriage, move into the same house, combine finances, and raise children till death to they part.
In modern America, however, especially in cohabitation, that part is removed. Nothing changes for the couple. They come home from the honeymoon and they enter the same house they lived in prior to the wedding. They sleep in the same bed, have the same sex, watch the same tv, sit at the same breakfast table, mow the same yard, and walk the same dog. NOTHING CHANGED. It's like the Christmas morning described above. I would imagine it is quite anti-climactic.
Since nothing changes post-wedding, the tendency is to assume that therefore their marriage is nothing but a piece of paper. After all, the only thing that really changed after the wedding was the fact that now they have a piece of paper saying they are married. A piece of paper is easier to walk away from than a commitment that caused major change in your life. That's why co-habitating couples divorce at a higher rate than non-cohabitating couples.
To the couples reading this that are living together without being married- when you get married, what is going to change? What is going to really mark your wedding as something significant? If you, like so many couples, are planning on coming home to the same house, the same bed, the same table, the same family room, the same sex, the same everything- did you really get married? If nothing changed, if you and your significant other are doing the exact same thing after the wedding as before the wedding, how truly significant was your wedding?
Like the old saying goes, "Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free?"
For me and my wife, when we got married almost twenty years ago, it involved massive change. We moved into our amazing 800-square-foot duplex in the back of a run-down neighborhood. We combined bank accounts. We slept in the same bed together for the first time. We had our own breakfast table for the first time. We went on vacations together for the first time without our parents. We went to work and brought home a paycheck, not for ourselves, but for our new little family for the first time. In other words, lots of things changed, and therefore our marriage was something sacred and set apart.
That is why I counsel couples NOT to live together before marriage. Other than the obvious prohibitions on premarital sex in the Christian faith, I hold marriage sacred. There should be things in married life that were off-limits to you as a single person. All human ceremony and ritual is based on this. If you're able to do everything you want both prior to AND after the ceremony or ritual, you will conclude that the ceremony or ritual is unnecessary.
Keep marriage sacred and set apart. Keep strong boundaries around your heart prior to marriage. Do NOT live together before marriage.
