I am not a parenting expert, and I am not stupid enough to believe that what I am about to say applies to everyone. However, after observing my three children (and being a pastor, which allows me to observe a great deal of human behavior as well as help with the consequences of bad decisions), I think the answer to this question is more simple than we might realize.
If you, as a parent, are wondering how to correct certain behaviors in your children and are at your wits end, take a look at yourself. Why do you choose certain behaviors over others?
The answer is simple- it all boils down to economics. Economics? Yes, economics. We do the things that cost what we are willing to pay. We don't do the things that are too expensive.
For example, why don't I go out and by a Ferrari? Simple- it costs too much. I'm not willing to pay the price. Therefore, I don't do it. Instead, I chose a 2002 Maxima with 170,000 miles on it, because I was willing to pay the price.
Your children, just like you, attach a "price" to everything in their lives. They will do the things whose price they are willing to pay, period. They will not do the things that carry a price they are unwilling to pay. You, as the parent, get to set the "price" of behaviors. So, at the risk of sounding simplistic, if you want a child to stop doing a certain behavior, make the price so high that they are unwilling to pay it.
An example- your child won't clean up his room. Right now, all that is costing him is maybe two minutes of yelling by mom. For him, that's a price he's willing to pay. He would rather deal with mom for 2 or 3 minutes than expend the effort of cleaning up his room. In dollar terms, he's only paying $1 for dealing with mom, and cleaning the room would be $5, so in his mind, he's saving $4 by not cleaning the room and listening to mom.
The answer? Make the price too high. Make it so that he will prefer the "price" of cleaning the room.
Now that mom understands this, she says, "Until you clean your room, I'll be holding your cell phone. I'll also be taking all other electronic devices into my room- video games, computer, etc. When I see that your room is clean, you can have them back. Next time you fail to clean your room to my satisfaction, you lose cell phone and all other electronic devices for three days."
Now, the boy has to make a decision. Is that a price I'm willing to pay? It might be, if he's stubborn. However, over the years I've found that everyone, and I MEAN EVERYONE, has his price, including your child. For the boy, now instead of the $1 price of mom yelling, now in his mind, not cleaning his room costs $20 or $40. That's getting expensive. That's not something I'm willing to pay.
Therefore, he decides to clean the room- not because he wants to, but because the price of NOT cleaning the room is too high for him to pay.
The next important step is to determine your child's "currency." Not every child has the same currency. You have to find out what is valuable to him or her. That's the currency. That's what will determine the price they are willing to pay.
For me as a kid, it was my time outside playing sports. That was my currency. That was what I was unwilling to sacrifice. If my parents wanted me to stop a behavior, they made that behavior too expensive for me by taking away my time playing sports. Because I desperately wanted to play sports, I quickly eliminated any behavior my parents wanted me to stop. I learned very quickly that if I wasn't in by curfew time, I wasn't playing soccer for the next two weeks. That wasn't a price I was willing to pay, therefore, I was in on time.
I believe it all boils down to economics. We, as human beings, do the things we can afford and don't do the things we can't afford. Realize today, if you are having trouble with your child, it probably boils down to the fact that the price for the bad behavior is low enough that he or she is simply willing to pay it.
So, today, identify the problems you are having with your children. Then, in economic terms, ask what "price" they actually pay for doing it. For example, your boy is rude to you- talks down to you, uses harsh tone, and is openly defiant. What does that behavior cost him? It always amazes me when parents come to me and tell me how awful their children treat them, yet that child gets new clothes, has a cell phone, has a video game console, has a tv in his room, etc. Well, no wonder your child treats you like that. You aren't making him pay anything for it!
So, start making the behavior cost him. Big time if necessary. Parent, you are under no obligation to make your child's life easy. If he is defiant and rude to you, why should you allow him any comforts at all? Take the tv out of the room. Confiscate the cell phone and/or the iPod. Sell the video game console. In other words, make the price of his behavior higher than what he is willing to pay. Believe me, it may take a while, but he will soon realize that it would be much less costly to him to be respectful.
Once we as parents realize that our children operate on a cost/benefit plan, we will quickly be able to see why our children do what they do. It's the same reason you do what YOU do- you do what you are willing to pay. You don't do what you aren't willing to pay.
If you, as a parent, are wondering how to correct certain behaviors in your children and are at your wits end, take a look at yourself. Why do you choose certain behaviors over others?
The answer is simple- it all boils down to economics. Economics? Yes, economics. We do the things that cost what we are willing to pay. We don't do the things that are too expensive.
For example, why don't I go out and by a Ferrari? Simple- it costs too much. I'm not willing to pay the price. Therefore, I don't do it. Instead, I chose a 2002 Maxima with 170,000 miles on it, because I was willing to pay the price.
Your children, just like you, attach a "price" to everything in their lives. They will do the things whose price they are willing to pay, period. They will not do the things that carry a price they are unwilling to pay. You, as the parent, get to set the "price" of behaviors. So, at the risk of sounding simplistic, if you want a child to stop doing a certain behavior, make the price so high that they are unwilling to pay it.
An example- your child won't clean up his room. Right now, all that is costing him is maybe two minutes of yelling by mom. For him, that's a price he's willing to pay. He would rather deal with mom for 2 or 3 minutes than expend the effort of cleaning up his room. In dollar terms, he's only paying $1 for dealing with mom, and cleaning the room would be $5, so in his mind, he's saving $4 by not cleaning the room and listening to mom.
The answer? Make the price too high. Make it so that he will prefer the "price" of cleaning the room.
Now that mom understands this, she says, "Until you clean your room, I'll be holding your cell phone. I'll also be taking all other electronic devices into my room- video games, computer, etc. When I see that your room is clean, you can have them back. Next time you fail to clean your room to my satisfaction, you lose cell phone and all other electronic devices for three days."
Now, the boy has to make a decision. Is that a price I'm willing to pay? It might be, if he's stubborn. However, over the years I've found that everyone, and I MEAN EVERYONE, has his price, including your child. For the boy, now instead of the $1 price of mom yelling, now in his mind, not cleaning his room costs $20 or $40. That's getting expensive. That's not something I'm willing to pay.
Therefore, he decides to clean the room- not because he wants to, but because the price of NOT cleaning the room is too high for him to pay.
The next important step is to determine your child's "currency." Not every child has the same currency. You have to find out what is valuable to him or her. That's the currency. That's what will determine the price they are willing to pay.
For me as a kid, it was my time outside playing sports. That was my currency. That was what I was unwilling to sacrifice. If my parents wanted me to stop a behavior, they made that behavior too expensive for me by taking away my time playing sports. Because I desperately wanted to play sports, I quickly eliminated any behavior my parents wanted me to stop. I learned very quickly that if I wasn't in by curfew time, I wasn't playing soccer for the next two weeks. That wasn't a price I was willing to pay, therefore, I was in on time.
I believe it all boils down to economics. We, as human beings, do the things we can afford and don't do the things we can't afford. Realize today, if you are having trouble with your child, it probably boils down to the fact that the price for the bad behavior is low enough that he or she is simply willing to pay it.
So, today, identify the problems you are having with your children. Then, in economic terms, ask what "price" they actually pay for doing it. For example, your boy is rude to you- talks down to you, uses harsh tone, and is openly defiant. What does that behavior cost him? It always amazes me when parents come to me and tell me how awful their children treat them, yet that child gets new clothes, has a cell phone, has a video game console, has a tv in his room, etc. Well, no wonder your child treats you like that. You aren't making him pay anything for it!
So, start making the behavior cost him. Big time if necessary. Parent, you are under no obligation to make your child's life easy. If he is defiant and rude to you, why should you allow him any comforts at all? Take the tv out of the room. Confiscate the cell phone and/or the iPod. Sell the video game console. In other words, make the price of his behavior higher than what he is willing to pay. Believe me, it may take a while, but he will soon realize that it would be much less costly to him to be respectful.
Once we as parents realize that our children operate on a cost/benefit plan, we will quickly be able to see why our children do what they do. It's the same reason you do what YOU do- you do what you are willing to pay. You don't do what you aren't willing to pay.
This is so true and I practice it about 50% of the time because it costs me also. When I take away their things, they make me suffer in a variety of ways. However, with that in mind, (and four VERY clean bedrooms as of today,)because my kids do NOT have iPods, cell phones, a TV at all, (Netflix on Wii is all we have), and we can't give them and allowance, there is not much to take away. I have devised an idea. If I have to spend my work time cleaning what they should have cleaned, then when they are home from school, they are imprisoned in their rooms for the remainder of the day and night so I can work then, alone in my room, doing my "work" on the internet. Also, since they made me do their work, they have to clean the house before supper AND make dinner. (We have what we call 5:30 chores, supper does not start until chores do.) Hopefully, this will help, if not, I am at a loss. I started yesterday, let's see how it goes! If this doesn't work, then after 25 years of parenting with at least 14 more to go, I'm stumped and my only option is finding a nice condo in Nashville!
ReplyDeleteThat's great to hear. Yes, it does cost the parents as well. One thing that destroys this concept is the unwillingness of parents to "charge" their kids the cost of the behavior. Inconsistent "charging" of the cost to the kids confuses them as to the actual "price" of the behavior.
ReplyDeleteIf one time the kid is defiant and he loses everything dear to him for a month, but the next time he is defiant he just gets a sigh and a "Don't bother me now" from mom, he will be confused as to the actual price of being defiant. So, parents have to be consistent in what a behavior costs a kid. Some parents just don't want to do that, and it is having terrible consequences in our homes and families.