The Biblical lesson Daxter Miles taught the nation last night

The internet is abuzz with Kentucky's blowout of WVU last night. What makes this win so particularly interesting to the social media savvy is the trash-talking given out by WVU player Daxter Miles before the game.

I'm not going to jump on him and gloat. It's bad enough that these 18-year olds have a national following and their words are repeated more than most world leaders. I actually feel bad for them- higher levels bring higher devils and what is normal unwise bantering of a teenager, for them, becomes national and international news. I think if most of us think back to the stupid things we did or said when we were 18, or 19, or whatever, we would be very glad they weren't broadcast to a national audience and splashed all over the world.

However, Daxter Miles taught us a Biblical lesson yesterday.

Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before a destruction; a haughty spirit before a fall."  That was confirmed last night.  Boy, did WVU fall.  Even worse, Daxter Miles fell.

If he had just been another player who kept his mouth shut, it would have just been another win for the juggernaut UK basketball team. However, due to the statements made, it turned into something much worse.  Why would Daxter Miles say the things he said against an obviously greater and better basketball team?

Well, pride does something to us. It gives us an untrue view of ourselves. Pride causes us to overestimate our abilities and underestimate the abilities of others. It causes us to continue a course that will destroy us even with everyone shouting at us to stop.

In the book of Exodus, God rained plague after plague on Egypt. Locusts, frogs, rivers turning to blood, cattle dying, hail, darkness- all of these things straight from God to convince Pharaoh to set the Hebrews free from slavery. Pharaoh wouldn't listen. His pride blinded him. His advisors begged him, "Let them go!  Can't you see that Egypt is ruined?" His pride went before his mighty fall, and his destruction was complete.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. We see pride in every area of our national life- in politics, with leaders failing to listen to constituents, continuing courses that are bankrupting and destroying our nation but still refusing to change; in the church, with pastors removing the word of God from their pulpits, watching their churches decline into nothingness as frustrated Christians abandon the pews but still refusing to change; husbands and wives lashing out at each other, refusing to repent or change, watching their marriages disintegrate before their very eyes, and the list goes on.

In each case, pride has given an untrue view of reality. Politicians, pastors, husbands, wives, Daxter Miles- all have untrue views of their human abilities. All are setting themselves up for a fall, like Miles did last night in the basketball game. When the fall happens, it is thorough and complete.

We in America would do well to learn this lesson.  Pride will destroy you. Better to walk in humility and let your actions speak for themselves than to walk in pride and watch your words destroy you. Better to remain humble, quiet, and reserved than to boisterously proclaim your folly on the national stage. Let your actions be the statement, not your words.

One last word to my friends and fellow UK wildcat fans: do not make the same mistake as Dexter Miles. Gloating and rubbing an opponent's face in his own downfall is a sure way to make sure that it happens to you. WVU, because of its most recent win, had an overinflated view of itself. Don't let that happen to us. Also, remember that until Goliath fought David, he was undefeated. We are the Goliath of college basketball right now, and Goliath's pride was his undoing. Let us simply support our team, rejoice in their wins and successes, and nothing more. We won't remain undefeated forever. Sooner or later, we will lose. I'm afraid that if we gloat and mock when we win, people will gloat and mock when we lose. Let us win and lose gracefully and in the spirit of true competition, because pride goes before a destruction; a haughty spirit before a fall.

Two times couples should never argue . . .

I've been married almost 19 years. I'm not an easy man to be married to, and my wife gets major props for not only staying married to me, but continuing to love me through all the difficulties we've been through.  A ministry marriage is particularly difficult due to the fact that many times people are looking for your family to be the model and the example- the "perfect family."

So, a combination of me not being easy to be married to, plus a ministry marriage, has provided us with excellent opportunities to be in conflict. Over the last 19 years, however, we've learned a few things, and one of the things we've learned is this:  there are two times when couples should never argue.

There are two times where nothing should be discussed other than the weather. Two times where unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, nothing should be discussed.  If couples would avoid these two times, upwards of 90% of conflict could potentially be avoided.  Ready for the two times? It's not rocket science. What I am about to say will seem so trivial, so minute, that many will disregard it.  However, it's something I've learned slugging through the blood, sweat, and tears of marriage.

The two times are 1) When you are tired, and 2) When you are hungry.

That's it.

Sound simple?

If you are married, think back to the worst arguments you've had.  I'm not talking about arguments over adultery or abuse or something monumental like that.  I'm talking about arguments that you really don't know how they started, why they kept going, or why you were arguing in the first place.  I would be willing to bet that in the vast majority of them, someone was hungry and/or tired.

It is wise for couples to pay attention to their physical state. The body, mind, and emotions are all connected.  When you are tired and/or hungry, it does something to your emotions. You lose perspective. You are more easily irritated. You are more likely to say something you don't mean. You are more likely to carry an argument further than it needs to be carried, all the while stirring up more and more emotion, so that at the end of the two-hour argument, you haven't solved a thing and everyone is MUCH madder than when you started.

I was counseling a couple just last night.  They expressed the fact that they were unable to communicate.  Her words to me were, "He won't talk to me. When he does, he just blows up. Then I get angry, and we just keep going and going and going. I just don't know what to do anymore!" She was at the point of tears.

I asked, "When do these arguments take place?"

Their mutual answer, "Late at night. We don't argue in front of the kids."

So I said, "So, you wait until you are exhausted from the day to discuss things?" (Both work full-time).

He spoke up, "I can't stay up past 10. I am literally propping my eyelids open past 10, and that's when she wants to talk about everything I need to do, how I haven't done what I need to do, etc. I just want to go to sleep, but I can't, so I just lose it."

I said, "I want you all to do something for me. I want you to set an alarm at 9:30 pm. After 9:30 pm, the only thing that happens is sex and sleep. Nothing needs to be discussed at that point in time. If there is an issue, it can wait until the morning when you are well-rested and eaten breakfast. You will be AMAZED at how much better your discussions will be."

She spoke up, "But what if it is important?"

I said, "Unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, there isn't anything a 9:30 pm that can't be solved the next day.  You just have to exercise self-control. I know you want to talk about it. I know you think it's important. BUT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT TIME. Your husband is tired.  You are tired. You're both irritable. Neither of you is in the right state of mind to solve anything. Plus, by not exercising self-control, you are destroying your marriage."

I continued, "That doesn't mean you drop the matter. It just means that you attack the matter with a fresh set of eyes, a rested mind, a heart at peace, and a full stomach. You'll be amazed at how much smaller your problems seem when you are rested and fed. I want you to set the new house rule- nothing after 9:30 except sleep and sex. Replace those late-night arguments with some intimacy, and if there are problems, deal with them in the morning. Give it a shot and see what happens."

I recommend that for everyone.  For all married couples- do not try to solve anything when you are hungry or tired. It doesn't work. It's not worth the irritable spiraling-out-of-control-we-don't-even-know-what-we-are-arguing-about-anymore fights each night. Most things aren't that big a deal anyway. Just go to bed.

Sometimes, the only thing you need is a new perspective on the problem, gained by a good night's sleep and a good breakfast. Try it and see. 

Changing the 7 deadly sins to something more palatable

We live in a consumer-driven society. Our entire way of life depends on the fact that we will produce and consume enough goods and services that our economy grows. We have jobs because people will buy things. We have GOOD jobs because people will buy things they don't need. We are in TROUBLE because people will neglect family and God to work more to get more money to buy things they don't need.

Don't think that this way of life evolved easily.  We had to do some major shifting in our beliefs about right and wrong in order to pull this off.  Our great-grandparents, if they were to come back and visit us, would have trouble listening to the way we describe right and wrong.

First, we had to change our minds about debt. Our great-grandparents saw debt as something to be avoided at all costs.  Going into debt was WRONG. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who would say that today, let alone live it out. The average American household has over $200,000 in debt (credit card, mortgage, and student loans- not counting car loans and other types) and yet no one feels  much guilt about that. In order to support our consumer-driven society, we had to change our beliefs about debt.

However, it goes much darker than that. Sociologist James Cote said this, "In order to support the massive consumption that drives modern economies, North American societies have redefined the seven deadly sins into a new pleasure-focused way to be adult:

         1. Pride has become self-esteem, individuality, and vanity.
         2. Greed has become acquisition and "taking care of yourself."
         3. Anger has become competitiveness and drive.
         4. Lust has become sexuality, sex appeal, love life, fashion, and liberation.
         5. Envy has become initiative.
         6. Sloth has become leisure and relaxation.
         7. Gluttony has become "the good life."

When we redefine sins into something more palatable (after all, who wants to be a glutton? Let's just call eating, drinking, and consuming more than we need "the good life" and we will all be happy) we blind ourselves to the evil that they produce in our lives.  Let's look at the results of this redefinition in our modern day society:

1.  When Pride becomes self-esteem, individuality, and vanity, we set ourselves up for the inevitable fall which accompanies pride.  "Pride goes before a destruction; a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18). By not guarding against pride, we also rid ourselves of pride's opposite- humility. By embracing pride as something good, we rob ourselves of God's blessing ("God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" James 4:6). By redefining pride as self-esteem, we set ourselves in opposition to God and rid ourselves of His grace.  Not a good idea.

2. When Greed becomes acquisition and "taking care of yourself," we put an inordinate emphasis on having more and more. We push out God's desire for us- generosity- because all of a sudden being greedy is desirable.

3. When Anger becomes competitiveness and drive, we drop our guard for the subtle ways anger destroys us. Anger has been so redefined in our culture that men regard expressing anger as a statement of masculinity and manliness, not a petulant loss of self-control. When we as a people become comfortable with anger, we drop our desire for anger's opposite, which is forgiveness.

4. When Lust becomes sexuality, liberation, sex appeal, etc, we drop our guard against the powerful drives which inhabit all of us. We see no problem with disregard for God's will for man and woman and marriage- we become a society that openly rebels against God's standards and will pay/are paying the price every day in terms of divorce, pornography, STD's, broken hearts, a 41% out-of-wedlock child birth rate (which leads to increased childhood poverty, illness, violence, and diminished prospects for education and employment).

5. When Envy becomes initiative, we constantly compare ourselves to things others have, abilities others have, and lifestyles others have. We see nothing wrong with the seething anger that grabs us when someone has what we don't have. We see nothing wrong with criticizing, belittling, even stealing what they have because we are envious. We miss out on the opposite of envy, which is contentment. A contented person is much more pleasant and at peace than an envious one.  However, without envy, we wouldn't sell nearly as many products to the consumers, so envy stays.

6. When Sloth becomes relaxation and leisure, we see nothing wrong with taking for ourselves what others have worked for. We see nothing wrong with someone else providing for our needs. We even begin, as a society, to demand that others meet our needs so we won't have to work for them. Sloth is taking over our society right now, with the highest numbers ever recorded receiving some kind of government assistance. When Sloth becomes a way of life, we miss out on the blessing of work and the fulfillment and character it creates.

7. When Gluttony becomes "the good life" we will have no problem whatsoever with indulging whatever appetite we have at the moment.  Gluttony is more than just overeating- gluttony is buying more house than you need, more car than you need, more clothes than you need, more accessories than you need, more gadgets than you need. Gluttony is "living by your stomach, not your head." Gluttony is what causes us to be up to our necks in debt, fatter than 90% of the people on this planet, and constantly unsatisfied. When we embrace gluttony as a culture, which we have, we diminish the desire for self-control. We even mock those who exercise self-control, calling them "prudes," "sticks in the mud," and "off the deep end." A society that lives for gluttony, under the banner of "the good life," experiences the hedonistic paradox, which states that the more pleasure you run after, the less you attain.

Christians must take a serious look at these sins in our lives. Most of us are completely unaware of these seven deadly sins in our lives. Most of us are perfectly fine HAVING them in our lives, because we have bought the cultural redefinition of the sins and now are marching in step with what our Western culture dictates. I urge you to reconsider how these seven deadly sins have been redefined in your life and make changes today.  Call pride, greed, anger, lust, envy, sloth, and gluttony what they are. Repent of them. Rid yourself of them. Then, go live in the freedom that God offers you.

When the old hateful feelings come rushing back

Fridays are my sermon prep days. I finalize what I'm going to say, pray over it, get visual stuff together, and get really excited. I love to preach. I love it more than anything. I literally CANNOT WAIT until Sunday morning because I am so fired up about God's word and what it can potentially do in the lives of people listening.

So, this morning I was in full-blown sermon mode, and I noticed it was 12:00.  There is a great coffee shop right around the corner from our church, J's place, so I walked over there to get the most excellent sandwich available- the J's Gouda Melt with a bowl of hot chili.  Can't beat it on a cold day like today.

Anyway, I walked in extremely happy and feeling good, and something happened that changed that in a heartbeat.  

I saw the guy.

He was sitting with his back to me, but I recognized him immediately.

This was a guy that I used to go to church with. This also happens to be the one person I have never truly been able to forgive. This man made my life as a youth minister an absolute living hell. 

In this one instant, all of the hurtful things that he had done to me came rushing back: the three-page list that he had assembled citing everything I had done "wrong" (after going to kids in the youth group and asking, "What don't you like about Dave?") and presenting it to my boss, demanding my firing; the condescending way he had talked about my wife and children, the consistent harping and emails pointing out everything wrong, list after list after list of why I was not fit for ministry, etc).

My pulse quickened. My adrenalin kicked in. I'm sure my face turned red. He hadn't seen me yet. What should I do?

Should I duck out? Should I go over and talk? Should I stay there and pretend I don't see him?

This situation was made exponentially WORSE due to the fact that last Sunday I had laid out an incredibly brilliant sermon on why we have to forgive, what Jesus says about forgiveness, and how Jesus says that if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us.  

Dangit.  I hate it when God calls me to live out my sermons.  I'd rather just preach them.  But here I was. I'm sure this was no accident. This was God's specific appointment for me to see if I was capable of living out what I taught. Not only did He give me the opportunity to live it out, but He placed the person that I would have described as Public Enemy Number One, a man who, in my weaker moments, I described to a friend using the following analogy:

"If I had a gun with two bullets in it, and I was in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and him, I'd shoot him twice."

Well, I'm not a runner.  I'm a fighter, so there was no way I was just leaving.  Plus, I wanted some chili and a J's Gouda Melt. My gluttony was greater than my aversion to this guy, I suppose.

So I walked up to the counter, right past him. He looked over and I looked over at him. I waved.  He didn't.

I ordered my stuff, and then went and sat down, reading the book that I was reading.  Fortunately I had brought the book so I didn't have to sit there looking like I had nothing to do.

I texted my wife.  Told her about the entire situation.

And then, all of a sudden, I felt the urge to pray.  Not for myself.  For him.

For the first time since I entered the shop, I realized how bad he looked.  He looked awful. I hadn't seen him in about eight years, but it looked like he had aged about twenty. He looked tired. Looked like life had been difficult on him.

So I prayed for him. Nothing dismisses hurt feelings and angry feelings like praying for the one you can't stand.  I prayed for him, for his family, for his job, for everything I could think of. Then, in an incredibly Holy Spirit-led moment, I blurted out, "Lord, forgive me the same way I forgive him."

Wow.  Did I just say that?  Can I take that statement back, please?

See, deep down, I don't want God to forgive me the way I forgive others.  Especially him.  Especially this guy who made my life a living hell. A man to whom I had done nothing, yet who had poured pure hatred on me as long as he could.

However, that one line changed everything.  "God, please forgive me the same way I forgive him."

Lord, please feel towards me the way I feel towards this man.

Lord, please hold my sins against me the way I hold this man's sins against me.

Lord, please show me the same kind of love that I show this man.

Wow.  

In other words, I had to grow up.  Fast.  I had to release this man of his debts, the debts that I was holding onto, the ones that he had incurred against me. I had to do this, because that's what I want God to do for me.  In all honesty, what this man had done to me was nothing compared to what I have done to God.

We didn't speak- he continued to drink his coffee and I continued, from across the shop, to read and eat lunch. Finally he got up and left, not so much looking in my direction.

That's okay.

The Bible doesn't say we have to be friends.  The Bible doesn't even say we even need to be in the same room together. 

The Bible simply says to forgive.  

What that means for me is that this man doesn't owe me anything anymore. He doesn't owe me an apology.  He doesn't need to be hurt.  He doesn't need to experience what I've experienced at his hand. He doesn't owe me a debt. We are even.  Square.  Paid up. Level. The bill is settled. I no longer need to feel vindicated. I no longer need to get even. I no longer hate him.

If I were to see him again, would the fight or flight response kick in again?  Maybe.  I'm human. 

But does that mean he's my enemy?  No. He's not.

Does that mean I wish him ill?  Nope.

Does that mean I will talk bad about him or slander him?  Nope.

None of those things will happen, because I've forgiven him. I hope that I have forgiven him the way God forgives me. It may take awhile.  Maybe one of these days we might be able to be friends.  That will depend more on him than on me. I'm up for anything.

One thing is for sure, though- after I prayed that prayer, I felt free.  That's what forgiveness truly does- it sets you free.  Free from seething anger.  Free from planning bad things for the person. Free from the wound that was incurred. Free from the desire to get even. Free from the sleepless nights where you toss and turn planning your revenge. Free from physical symptoms of stress and anger.

Dear Lord, please forgive me the same way I have forgiven him.  That's a dangerous prayer. But it's a prayer that is pleasing to our Lord and Savior, who has forgiven the unforgivable in us, that we may go and forgive the unforgivable in others.