Why all the fuss about sexual harassment?

I became a father in 1999. My daughter Casey was born, and I became the father to a daughter.

Becoming a father changes your life immensely, but to me, becoming a father to a daughter was especially intense. I had never really been around females that much. Growing up, I only had one brother (no sisters) and there were eleven boys on my street. Not much in the way of being around females that much.

That all changed when my daughter was born. We were living in Alabama at the time, and my wife and I worked out at a Gold's Gym in town. I remember vividly one day walking into the gym, carrying my infant daughter on the way to the child care room. A music video was on the TVs, and the music was blasting throughout the gym. The song was, "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang, and the chorus said, "

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

(My first thought when I heard that song was, "I'll bet every high school guy in America wants to date that singer's daughter, because he wouldn't have any problem with her sleeping around. She ain't nothin' but a mammal, anyway." My second thought was, "I hope his daughter is better looking than he is.")

But I digress. Back to the topic.

Sexual harassment doesn't exist in the animal kingdom. 

I hunt deer. One of the things I've learned is that during the mating season, the male buck will pursue the female doe relentlessly. When he finds her, he basically has his way with her. He will physically lock her down, mate with her many times, then stay with her for a few days to fight off other bucks who would compete for "mating rights" with her.

Let's just say there doesn't seem to be much in it for the doe. She carries the unborn deer, gives birth, feeds and nurtures it, and the buck doesn't even call the next day. Shameful.

Why am I saying all this?

Well, I was thoroughly schooled in the secular concept of abiogenesis/evolution. I was taught, as many people are, in no uncertain terms that there is no God, that we are all evolved, that what is right and wrong is not universal but subjective to each individual, and that we are simply mammals. That's it. The notion that we were made in the image of God was mocked and scoffed at. The notion that God has laid down a moral law that cannot be changed or trifled with was scorned. 

So, I ask again, if that's the case, what is the big deal with all the sexual harassment charges these days?

Why do we have a different moral standard than that of a deer?

See, in the animal kingdom, when it comes to male/female relations, there is only one moral law- might makes right. The stronger prey upon the weaker. Might makes right. That's the way of things in the animal kingdom. In the animal kingdom, the greatest "good" that can happen is that you, the stronger, takes advantage of the weaker. That's what the bucks do. That's what ensures that their genes will be passed down to the next generation.

Why are humans different?

Why aren't men like Al Franken, John Conyers, Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Bill O' Reilly, and others seen as moral? After all, these are powerful men. They were living out the morality of the animal kingdom- using their power and influence to prey upon the weaker. After all, we ain't nothin' but mammals, right?

Yet, these men are being criticized, fired, reputations ruined, facing justice, and are facing a massive backlash because they are being seen as IMMORAL. 

Viewing their actions as immoral must mean that there is a different moral standard expected of humans than that of other animals in the world. But where does this moral standard come from?

Hmmmm. Maybe these sex scandals have awakened Americans to the existence of God. There can be no law without a Lawgiver. Every law that exists has been spoken or written into existence by an intelligent being. Therefore, there must be an intelligence behind the moral standard that sets us apart from the animal kingdom.

We all know that the moral standard that exists in the animal kingdom, that "Might Makes Right" isn't right. We all know that it is wrong for a physically stronger man to have his way with a physically weaker woman against her consent. But, again I ask  . . . .  How? WHY is that wrong? More specifically, why is it right for a deer and wrong for a human? We ain't nothin' but mammals, right?

Without God, without a universal moral law that has been written onto human hearts, it wouldn't be wrong. It would simply be the moral standard that exists in the animal kingdom, and the male who could bed the greatest amount of females, ensuring the maximum amount of descendants, would be seen as the most moral.

The sexual harassment atom bomb that has blown up in Hollywood and Washington DC is truly amazing. If you will notice, no one is arguing from a moral relativism standpoint. No one is saying, "Well, we can't really criticize Matt Lauer, because sexually harassing women was right for him. Quit judging him." I don't hear anyone saying that. I also don't hear anyone making the Bloodhound Gang argument that Harvey Weinstein and the girls he raped/harrassed were simply mammals doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Nope. None of those arguments are being made right now.

The argument being made is that these actions are wrong. Badly wrong. Totally wrong. Because they most certainly are.

But in order for someone to say they are wrong, they must have an absolute moral standard showing what "right" is. Then, they must question WHERE that moral standard came from.

I was talking with an atheist friend about this. When I asked him this question, he thought for a minute, and said, "Centuries ago, humans got together and decided that men shouldn't do that, I guess."

I said, "That's it? So, people just kinda decided on a whim that they didn't want that happening in their communities, and that's where the standard came from."

He said, "Yeah, I guess."

I said, "So, if those humans had gotten together and decided the OPPOSITE, that it was perfectly fine for Kevin Spacey to sexually assault a teenager, that it was perfectly okay for Bill Clinton to take advantage of an intern in the Oval Office . . . .  if those humans had gotten together and decided that it was okay for a grown man to have his way with your daughter, you would be okay with it? After all, these humans centuries ago could have decided either way, right?"

He just looked at me. He didn't answer.

We all know the answer to that. We know that it wouldn't matter WHAT a tribe of ancient humans came up with- never would it be okay for a grown man to rape a child, even though that goes perfectly with the morality of "might makes right" in the animal kingdom. I would STILL not be okay with it, no matter what the law says. That's because there is a universal moral law written on all our hearts, telling us it is wrong.

That universal moral law wasn't decided upon in a committee and voted into existence. It was spoken into existence by God, the Lawgiver.

The presence of a law demands that there also be a Lawgiver. These sexual harassment suits have once again awakened America to objective moral standards, ones that are inherent to every human being. Without God, that wouldn't exist.

I guess the Bloodhound Gang was wrong. I guess we are more than just mammals. I guess we can't just do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Bill O'Reilly, John Conyers, Al Franken, and many others are finding that out the hard way. They are finding out that the law of the animal kingdom doesn't jive with the universal moral law of humans.

I have a wife and two daughters as well as two sons. I want my wife and daughters to be respected by the boys and men around them. I don't want them harassed, disrespected, viewed as objects to satisfy lust, or less than. I want my sons to treat women with respect. That's actually very odd . . . . in the animal kingdom.

A male buck doesn't care how the doe, or his children, are treated.

I believe that people are made in the image of God. I believe there is something sacred, something beautiful, something infinitely valuable in every human. To treat a person without respect is to malign the very God who created him or her. That's just not territory I want to move onto. I think I'll leave that alone.

No one taught me that. No one showed me that. I've known that since the day I was born.

None of that would exist without the universal moral law of God.

Just another way God shows us He is here.

What I Wish Christians (and People In General) Would Stop Doing

There are lots of toxic behaviors out there today. Gossip, drama, revenge, backstabbing, badmouthing, etc have been part of humanity since the beginning. All of those are bad, and I'm sure you can name many others.

However, I want to address one thing that rarely gets talked about, yet is the cause of the biggest frustration for me, one of the biggest discouragers for me, and one that I think needs to disappear if the Church is ever going to be healthy.

Are you ready? Here is is.

It's something I call "hiding."

Hiding looks like this: a person or family comes to your church. They return. You get to know them. You see them around town. You have them over for dinner. They have you over for dinner. You spend time together, praying together, studying the Bible together, your families get to know each other. You become friends.

Then, all of a sudden, they disappear. No phone call. No text.

You send them a message, saying, "Hey, we missed you!" No response.

They are there the next Sunday, but they are gone the next several.

You ask where they've been. You get a vague, "We were busy."

They miss next Sunday. You send a text. No response.

You call. They don't answer.

You may see them again, but most of the time you don't. And you have no idea why. Because they never said a word. They just walked away.

That's what "hiding" is.

There are many reasons for hiding. Sometimes a person is indulging in a sin, something they know is wrong, and they know you don't approve of, so they want to avoid seeing you as much as possible. Almost as if as long as they don't see you, they can still feel good about themselves. I've had church members disappear and "hide" from me when they relapse in addiction or move in with a girlfriend or boyfriend or have marriage trouble. That's kind of like a cancer patient hiding from the doctor, but it happens.

Other times people "hide" because you've done something to upset them but they don't want to tell you, so they hide from you.

Other times people "hide" because they feel guilty about something going on in their lives and they just walk away from anyone who isn't as miserable as they are.

In the mind of the person "hiding" it all makes perfect sense. However, if you are a "hider" and you have done this/are doing this to your church or family, let me tell you what you are actually doing. Let me show you the other side.

As a pastor, I truly care about the people in my church. I believe so strongly in being together in worship. I believe so strongly in relationships and friendships within the body of Christ. I love the people of my church.

When you disappear, don't answer texts, don't call, give vague excuses of where you've been . . . . .  it hurts. Yes. I'm being vulnerable here. It hurts deeply. Why? Because I consider you to be a friend. I'm not just a CEO of a corporation you shop at. I'm your friend. Your brother in Christ. Someone who really likes you.

When you "hide" because of whatever is going on, it hurts. It's a statement of what I mean to you. It's a statement that I was wrong about our friendship and that I was wrong to think that you cared as much about me as I cared about you.

Hiding from each other is what destroys true relationships and friendships in the church.

What happens when I invest myself in someone and they turn around and hide, it makes me very wary of forming other friendships. I wonder if it's worth it to go visit hospitals to pray for people in my church. "Why do this?" I ask myself. "They'll just be gone in a few years, they'll just disappear, I'll never know why, they'll just go."

I wonder if it's worth forming any kind of friendships at all as a pastor. Many pastors told me, when I got into the ministry, not to get close with anyone in my church because of this very thing. One pastor told me that it just wasn't worth the constant heartbreak of meeting people, forming friendships, and them walking away like you meant nothing. I can see how he would feel that way.

Christians, don't hide from each other.

Christians, don't hide from your pastors.

Don't hide physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually, because hiding destroys friendships.

The Bible tells us to talk to one another as brothers and sisters. We aren't to walk away and leave another person wondering what is going on. We are to speak the truth in love to each other. We are to value the other person enough that we give them the respect of telling them actually what is going on.

Hiding is simply the most frustrating behavior I see in church members. It discourages friendships, it discourages the next attempt at friendship, and it hurts the other person. Hiding because you don't want to face the other person may make you feel okay in the short term, but it is hurting the other person who truly cares about you. They are wondering what they did wrong. And they are devastated to know that they care more about you than you care about them.

Of all the things that happen in a church, the one thing I wish would go away is hiding. It has caused me more heartache and pain and discouragement than anything else I've experienced in ministry.

Instead, let's treat each other as family. Let us love one another.

Here are some suggestions to consider:

1) If you are going to miss church on a Sunday, tell your pastor in advance. I love it when people inform me they will be out of town or they will be visiting someone else. I don't have to wonder if you are hiding.

2) If you haven't been to church in awhile and your pastor or someone from church sends you a message to ask where you've been, answer it. Be truthful.

3) If you find yourself wanting to hide from your church family because of a sin you are committing, choose your church family over your sin. It's either one or the other, right? Choose your church family, choose your faith, choose God. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth your soul. Your addiction isn't worth your soul. Plus, you might find that your pastor and church friends are the most kind, caring, forgiving, accepting people on the planet. You may find that they actually love you and care about you.

4) If you are leaving the church, sit down with your pastor and tell him. Don't just disappear like so many do. Sit down and give him the respect of communicating with him. It may be uncomfortable, but you're doing the right thing. I would much rather have someone tell me what's going on than them leaving me to guess where they are. Believe it or not, pastors really miss you when you aren't there, and if they don't know why you are missing, it's incredibly frustrating and discouraging.

5) Become someone your pastor and your church can count on. There are many flighty, inconsistent people in churches nowadays. The Bible refers to such people as a "splintered reed that pierces the hand of anyone who leans on it." They look like they are there to help, but the second you count on them, they pierce your heart. Don't be that way. Be someone that can be trusted, that is consistent in attendance and prayer and fellowship. Be someone that can be counted on. People who can be counted on don't hide from one another.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because no one talks about it. I hear lots of people complaining about church hypocrites. I hear lots of people complaining about judgmental people. I hear lots of people complaining about anger or hatred or gossip.

But I've never heard anyone address the issue of hiding from each other. It's subtle. It's evil. It's a church destroyer. I would suspect that your pastor would say this is the number one thing that drives him crazy as a pastor, yet it seems so subtle that he won't ever mention it. Well, I'm mentioning it. Maybe it's time that pastors and church members begin discussing the toxic issue of hiding and make a vow never to do it again.

The News Media Is Using Your Biological Makeup To Keep You Perpetually Outraged

Our nation is about to have a nervous breakdown.

Not because of real problems. We've always had problems. Since the beginning of time we've had problems. Within ten seconds of humanity's existence we've had the same problems. Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

We've always had corrupt politicians. We've always had violence. We've always had discord in politics. We've always had problems in our communities. There is nothing new under the sun.

Our nation is about to have a nervous breakdown because now, unlike other times in the past, we have a media machine whose sole purpose is to keep us whipped up into an emotional frenzy. News thrives on adrenalin and outrage. It thrives on conflict and insults and overreaction. It's the only way it can survive.

We have a structure in our brains known as the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It is the gatekeeper to everything that gets our attention. All day long our senses are bombarded with stimuli. Our senses are incredibly keen and they pick up everything. If every stimuli of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell made it into our brains, we would shut down in a sobbing heap. Our brains can't handle it. Therefore, the RAS acts as a gatekeeper to keep most stimuli out. The things that the RAS allows into our brains are things that are 1) scary, 2) new, and 3) interesting.

Anything that doesn't match the RAS criteria doesn't make it into our conscience. As I am typing this, I am sitting in a chair. I haven't noticed the feel of the chair nor of my shoes nor of the feel of my jeans on my legs, even though technically I am "feeling" them. Why? Because my RAS has determined that those stimuli are not important and therefore don't need my attention. Same with a million other stimuli that happen every second.

Thus ends the biology lesson. Why am I talking about the RAS?

Because the news media knows about your RAS. They realize that there is a brutal, no-holds-barred, uncompromising gatekeeper/bouncer standing at the entrance of your brain that will weed out 98% of the stuff thrown at it. Because the news media NEEDS your attention, it has to get past your RAS.

Therefore, it taps into the first criteria the RAS looks for- it sends news stories your way that are SCARY.

If you notice, practically every news story that is thrown your way deals with the destruction of something that you hold dear. Whether it is a value you hold, an institution you value, a belief you have, or something else integral to your being, news stories are tailored to be threatening to the things you hold dear. Christians hear news stories of atheists trying to remove crosses and monuments of the ten commandments. Black Americans hear stories of white supremacists. Democrats hear stories of Republicans working to destroy their political agenda. Republicans hear stories of Democrats doing the same thing. 

These stories are designed not to inform you or make your life better but simply to make it past your RAS into your conscience so it will get your attention. They don't particularly care what effect these stories have on the world, on our communities, on our relationships, or on us. They simply want to get into your conscience, so they will say whatever it takes to get past the RAS gatekeeper.

The news media NEEDS you to be perpetually outraged. It needs you to be perpetually scared. That's the only way it can exist. Normal stories of goodwill, normal stories of everyday life, normal stories of non-threatening news get stopped at the door of your conscience. No one would pay attention to those stories. Your biology won't allow you to notice them. 

We must realize that the news media knows our biology better than we do. We don't realize we are being played for suckers by people who simply want their stories to lodge themselves in our brains. We aren't smart enough to realize that what we are reading and hearing isn't news because of some great happening or event; it is "news" because it is scary, new, or interesting. 

So instead of giving us thought-provoking, wisdom-generating, beneficial stories, the news media gives us emotional one-sided threatening over-the-top overreaction sensationalism designed to keep you in a perpetual state of outrage, opening your RAS to everything it has to say.

Realize that this is what is going on. Realize the biological manipulation being played on you, people. The media understands your biology better than you do. They pay consultants that are experts on psychology millions of dollars to understand what will get your attention and what won't. The purpose of the news media is no longer to inform. It's purpose is to upset. 

The news media also understands another thing about psychology and the human being.

Human beings are probably the most adaptable creatures on the planet. We can adapt to any environment, any place, any time. We can also adapt to stimuli. What used to threaten us simply becomes normal. What used to excite us becomes routine. What used to anger us becomes okay.

Because of this, what used to get past the RAS no longer does. So, the news media has to constantly find new outrages, new threats, and new hysteria to throw our way. What used to outrage people twenty years ago doesn't outrage us, so they have to give us new, stronger, and more dangerous stories to keep getting past our RAS into our conscience. 

If this keeps up, our nation will have a nervous breakdown. We may be there already. We simply cannot live in a perpetual state of emotional frenzy. We weren't designed to. Something has to give. I'm calling the American people to wake up and realize what the news media is doing. Quit reacting. Quit thinking that the world is coming to an end. Quit thinking that somehow what is happening now is different than what has happened before. It's not. 

The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun. That's very true. So stop acting like what we are dealing with is unprecedented. Chill out. Stop the emotional hysteria. Stop the name calling and the insulting and the fear and the paranoia. You're being played for fools by a media that understands your biology more than you do. 

Instead let the peace of God rule in your heart. 

Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 3:15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Let the peace of God rule in your heart. He's got this. Stop with the perpetual outrage. Stop with the emotional overreactions. Stop letting the media keep you in a perpetual stew. Let the peace of God rule in your heart.

When God Says "No" to Something He Could Easily Have Said "Yes" To

I well remember the morning of September 15th, 2004. It was the day that I heard the words, "His heart is dead. He's not coming back."

Except it wasn't about a seventy-year old man or something like that. The doctor was talking about my ten-day-old son. His open-heart surgery had been a failure. The bypass machine was the only thing keeping him alive.

My son, Jacob Benjamin Kibler, had HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) which meant that his left ventricle didn't develop en utero. The corrective surgery failed, meaning that a heart transplant was our only option. The likelihood of finding an infant's heart was very minuscule.

I looked at this little infant, my third child, which I could barely see under the mass of wires and tubes and monitors, and my wife and I both shook our heads. We weren't going to try to put him through a heart transplant. He'd been through enough in his short ten days. It was time to let him go.

We knew that Jacob had HLHS since his 20-week ultrasound. We knew his chances of survival weren't good. We spent the entire rest of the pregnancy praying that God would heal him. He didn't.

We went through all of the things the Bible said to do. We prayed as a church. We prayed as individuals. We asked God to spare his life. Jesus said, "Where two or three agree in prayer, it will be done." He also said, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell this mountain, "Cast yourself into the sea," and it will be done." If God could cast a mountain into the sea, He could heal an infant, couldn't He?

God didn't. Jacob was born on 9/5/04 and died 9/15/04.

We asked God to heal Jacob. God said no.

It was perfectly within His power to heal him. So why didn't He?

Answer: I don't know.

I will never fully understand God. I've come to that conclusion after many, many years of study and reflection and pondering and wrestling. There will just be some things about God that I will never understand. I don't understand why God allowed Jacob to die. I don't know why God allows a lot of the stuff that goes on in this world. However, I've come to peace with that. I no longer have a PROBLEM with that.

One of the reasons why is that God hasn't broken any promises. He never promised to heal Jacob, He never promised to keep everything going well down here on earth. In fact, His word specifically says that "In this world, you will have trouble." Many people act like God is breaking a promise when bad things happen. He's not. He told us we will have trouble. But the second part of that statement is, "But take heart, I have overcome the world."

What sticks out in my mind, however, is the ride home from the hospital. I remember it like it was yesterday, and this is what I wanted to share with you all today.

We had just made the painful decision to remove my son from life support. I was holding him, then placed him on the table where the tech turned the machine off. My wife and I, through tears, walked to our car and drove home.

We had about a twenty-minute ride back to our home from Vanderbilt hospital. All of a sudden, it hit me. After experiencing something like that:
       
          -Did it matter what kind of car I was driving?
          -Did it matter the size of house I was going back to?
          -Did it matter how much money was in my bank account?
          -Did it matter if I had six-pack abs?
          -Did it matter how successful professionally I had been?

None of those things, so important it seemed just a little while ago, were of any comfort or importance at all. In fact, it was like sitting in a room full of $100 bills and realizing they were Monopoly money. Everything you thought was valuable turned out to be worthless pieces of paper. Monopoly money. That's all it is. Everything in the world, everything shouting for your attention, anything this world has- it's Monopoly money. It looks real, but when the test comes, when life comes crashing down, like it does when you as a parent outlive your child, it all falls apart. Monopoly money. That's all it is.

All of the things that this world constantly screamed to me, "THIS IS IMPORTANT!" were shown in one instant for the bullcrap that they were. None of it mattered. Advertisers spend billions per year to convince us of the importance of hairstyle, clothing style, etc. And we buy it. We form our entire lives around them.

When God said, "No" He pulled back the curtain. He destroyed the delusion that I had fallen into like so many Americans have today. He showed me in one instant the stupidity and uselessness and falsehood I and so many had fallen for.

Because in that instant, when you have held your baby son in your arms and watched him die, there was only one thing that was real: the resurrection of Jesus.

That was the only comfort, the only thing that could possibly make sense of this senseless thing. The reality of Jesus' final action on earth was the answer to my son's death. It was the answer to all suffering we will face in this world. It was the only thing, the ONLY THING, that was even real.

My car meant nothing. My fitness meant nothing. My house meant nothing. My bank account meant nothing. All the things that I thought were so very important five hours ago were shown for the shallowness that they were. The resurrection of Jesus and His command to "love one another" were the only things that made sense- they were the only things that were real.

When God says "No" to something He could have perfectly well said "Yes" to, He shows us what is real and what isn't. I vowed to spend the rest of my life telling that truth to as many people as I could. God also showed me the brevity of life. I have been inspired to stop playing it safe- to not fear losing things I will lose anyway. Go for it. It's all Monopoly money anyway. My son only had ten days- we aren't guaranteed anything in this life.

I pray that this is helpful to you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the things that scream at you from your tv set are important. They aren't. Some of us learn that the easy way. Some of us learn that the hard way. However you learn it, I will tell you this- when life falls apart and everything you thought was important is shown for the bunk that it is, you can rest in the assurance of the resurrection of Jesus.

That's one thing I know for sure. In fact, that's about the ONLY thing I know for sure.

Christian Sexual Ethic Has Never Failed Any Society That Has Adopted It

Throughout history, we've seen many civilizations come and go.

We've seen the empires of Rome, Byzantia, Persia, Assyria, Babylonia, and the Ottomans. We've seen third-world banana republics and military dictatorships and thriving republics. We've seen them rise and fall, come and go, appear and disappear.

Most civilizations aren't destroyed through invasion. Some are, to be sure. Most aren't. Most societies that fall do so because they rot from within. By the time a conquering army arrives, there is very little left to conquer- kind of like a lumberjack arriving in a forest full of rotted trees that takes a few swings of the axe to topple.

One of the most notable features of societies that fall has been rampant sexuality.

If you look at the last days of the nation of Israel, for example, temple prostitution, adultery, and homosexuality were extremely common. The prophets who warned Israel repeatedly about God's coming judgment talked of these repeatedly. No one listened.

The same is true of the Roman Empire. Before the Goths and the Visigoths and the Vandals raided from the north, Rome committed cultural suicide by adopting hedonism as a national pastime. Orgies, adultery, free sex, and homosexuality were hallmarks of the culture before it fell.

Why is rampant sexuality so prevalent in the last days of a society, empire, or culture?

Simple.

The family unit is the glue that holds a society together. When sex is commonly expressed outside of marriage, society breaks down. This isn't front-page news. We all know that the breakdown of the family is a major cause of most of societal problems. Divorce, single parenthood, children growing up without fathers, etc is highly correlated with poverty, crime, being a victim of crime, and dropping out of school.

In contrast, the Christian sexual ethic of "celibacy in singleness, fidelity in marriage" preps a society for optimal performance. No society that has adopted and practiced this ethic has ever suffered because of it.

If a society has the overwhelming vast majority of children growing up in married-for-life two-parent households; if out-of-wedlock births hover between 5-10% (we will never have 0%, just won't happen), if entire neighborhoods have fathers in homes disciplining their children before the police have to- the society will be strong. Christian sexual ethic leads to strong families and therefore a strong society.

Just as the cell is the fundamental unit of the human body, so is the family to the society. A tiny virus, smaller than the head of a pin, can kill an entire human by taking out the body at the cellular level. In the same way, an entire society can be taken out at the "cellular level" by the breakdown of the family.

When sex is reserved for marriage, marriage becomes more attractive. If men and women have the personal belief that sex should only be expressed in marriage, marriage rates increase. If sex is completely fine outside of marriage, marriage rates decrease and the instability of the society ensues.

Right now in America the concept of Christian sexual ethic has almost completely disappeared. As a pastor, I am astounded when a couple asks me to marry them and they are NOT living together. Even Christian teenagers seem to have lost the moral of "sex in marriage only." It is a very rare person that loses his or her virginity on the wedding night.

As the Christian sexual ethic disappears from America, we see more and more problems associated with the breakdown of the family. We are seeing riots almost weekly- mostly by young men. I would imagine that their fathers are nowhere to be found. I know that in the neighborhood I grew up in, where fathers were in every home, the fathers would have put a stop to that quickly. Without fathers, children who run wild turn into young men who run wild.

We are seeing an epidemic of drug use right now. Without a strong family unit to connect with, men and women are turning to heroin in record numbers. Research has shown that addiction is driven by isolation. One cannot become a full-blown addict until he or she is completely isolated from human connection. The current heroin epidemic is a direct result of the breakdown of the family. Connection is the only cure for addiction. Human connection. The family is the only cure for drug addiction.

We are beginning to see that there really are two Americas. One group is doing very well. One is having a rough time. The determining factors of which America you belong are not skin color, ethnicity, or creed. The factors are these"

           1) Finishing high school/college
           2) Waiting until marriage to have children
           3) Getting a job and keeping that job

That's it. The people who do those three things are doing fairly well in this country. Finishing school is key. Waiting until marriage to have children is a no-brainer- of course we know single parenthood is tough and leads to all kinds of stress (raising children with two-parents is hard enough; single parenthood is even tougher). Getting a job and keeping that job ensures a steady income, as raises and promotions are the norm, not the exception.

The folks who don't do these things- don't finish school, have children before marriage, and move from job to job are having a tough time in this country. Christian sexual ethic primes a person to accomplish all three of these things, therefore ensuring a good life for the person practicing it.

It is time, Christians and non-Christians, to admit that our problems in this country are largely the result of our defiance of Christian sexual ethics. Every society that has adopted Christian sexual ethics has thrived. Every society that has rejected it has rotted from within and fallen. America is no different. If we do not move back to "celibacy in singleness, fidelity in marriage" as the cultural norm, we are finished as a country and as a society.

Some parts of society are already there. You can see the preview of coming attractions in the inner cities where out-of-wedlock birthrates are near 75%. Poverty rates are sky-high, crime is high, incarceration rates are high. As the rest of the country adopts the sexual ethic of the inner city, the poverty rates, incarceration rates, and crime will follow. Soon, there won't be an "inner-city." It will just be the norm in our country.

Christian sexual ethic has never failed any society that has adopted it. It leads to stable two-parent households, present fathers, decreased poverty, decreased crime rates, decreased depression/suicide. It leads to increased performance in school, increased graduation rates, increased wealth, increased sense of community, and increased blessing as the society is strengthened at the cellular level.

I hope we can turn back before it is too late. It is time for churches and Christians to begin talking about the benefits to society that Christian sexual ethics brings.

Grace and Traffic Tickets

I was a just-married seminary student in Wilmore, KY. I had just left class and was driving home in my white 1993 stick-shift Ford Ranger truck when I came to a stop sign. I tapped the brakes, slowed down to about five mph, and (as is usually the case in small-town Wilmore) seeing no one else on the road, I turned right.

Blue lights in the rear-view mirror. I pulled over.

The cop came up and got my license and registration. He went back to his cruiser, and he didn't seem to be in much of a hurry. Wilmore.

During the long wait time, I had time to think about it. I was a full-time student, just graduated from college, and my wife was a nurse. We weren't exactly one-percenters. We lived in a cheap duplex in a dingy neighborhood, and by all accounts to pay this ticket would mean that we would be eating fish sticks and hot dogs for the next month with Ramen noodles for dessert.

The cop finally came back to my window, handed me my license and registration. He noticed my books and asked, "Are you at the seminary?"

I said, "Yes sir."

He said, "I am too." Hopefully he was quicker turning in his papers and assignments than he was running license plates. "I'm going to show you something called grace," he said. With that, he handed me a warning. No ticket. Just a warning.

Now, anyone but a seminary student (or minister) would be overjoyed at that and wouldn't think twice about it. However, I had a problem with what he said.

What he showed me wasn't grace. At least, it wasn't what God tells us grace is.

In order for that situation to be true Biblical grace, the cop would have had to look at me and say, "Mr Kibler, you disregarded a stop sign. That will be a $75 fine and three points on your license."

I would say, "I don't have $75 and I'm already over my limit on points on my license."

He would say, "Yes, I know that. You can't pay it. So, I found another driver who has never had a ticket, who has never had any points put on his license, and he voluntarily of his own free will paid the fine and took the points on his own license. His bank account will be deducted, his insurance will go up, and the points will be on HIS license for three years."

I would say, "That's insane! Who would do that for me?"

And the cop would look at me and say, "Me."

Simply letting an offender go isn't grace. The law isn't satisfied. A debt has been incurred, and simply letting an offender go won't settle it. Grace is when the very person who has the right to punish chooses not to, and instead take the punishment on himself, satisfying the law and letting the offender go free.

That's true grace. That's the kind of grace Jesus demonstrated when He went to the cross and died for the sins of the world. He took our debts upon Himself, paid them in full, and set us free from the consequences of them. We, in turn, are called to surrender all things under His Lordship.

So the cop was wrong that day. He didn't show me grace. He showed me kindness, but that's a lot different than actual grace.

When we realize all that Christ has done for us, how can we do anything but give our lives to Him in gratitude? True grace cost Jesus everything He had, and that which was expensive for Him cannot be cheap for us.

Do the ordinary extraordinarily well

When I was nineteen years old, I had the amazing opportunity to play on the Bluegrass Bandits soccer team, which was the first step in the plan to build the then-nonexistent MLS (Major League Soccer). They started with regional semipro teams like the Bandits and then built the MLS teams out of those.

Needless to say, it was a high level of competition. I had never played against players like I did in that league. On our team alone we had players from national teams of other countries, lower-level professional players from England, Division One college players, and so on. Based in the smaller city of Lexington, KY (population 300,000) we played teams from much larger cities with a much larger talent pool and much more money- New Orleans, Little Rock, Birmingham, Charlotte, etc.

We were outclassed by most teams. The other teams were deeper, had more big-name talent, and probably had higher-level coaching than we did. Looking at our lineup, we were prepared to lose well over half our games and finish near the bottom of the league.

We won the Regional Championship and finished first in the Mid-South Division.

Looking back on that year, our coach did one thing that brought us to victory. He emphasized fundamentals.

We weren't flashy. We weren't spectacular. We weren't anything great to watch. We had no standout players.

However, we did the ordinary things extraordinarily well.

We did the simple things right. We passed with accuracy. We played good fundamental defense. We rarely committed turnovers. We played as a team. We hit accurate shots on goal.

And it brought about victory night after night after night over vastly superior teams with vastly superior players.

I learned a lesson that year. If you take care of the fundamentals, the rest will take care of itself.

Today I was teaching in my Inside Out Dad class in the Fayette County Detention Center. We were talking about forming character in our children and what we were hoping to pass down to our children as fathers. I told the men that their children could learn any job skill. They could learn any trade. They could learn any job.

But none of that mattered if they didn't have the fundamentals.

I believe the fundamentals are respect, manners, and dedication. I don't care how smart or capable a person is, if they are disrespectful, rude, and flighty/unreliable they are worthless. They are worthless to an employer, worthless in marriage, and worthless as a father.

Parents, a lot of us emphasize developing skills within our kids. We place them in sports. We place them in activities. We take them to baseball tournaments and soccer tournaments and academic team competitions and all other kinds of things to develop their skills and abilities.

But do we spend that amount of time teaching the fundamentals of respect, manners, and dedication?

Unfortunately, the answer is probably "no" for a lot of us.

I'm amazed at the lack of respect and lack of manners that exists in American children today. How rare it is to hear a child say, "Yes sir" and "No ma'am." How rare it is to hear "Please," "thank you," and "You're welcome" from a little person.

How common it is to hear young people backtalk their elders, curse like sailors, call adults by their first names (don't EVEN get me started on THAT one, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR), and use "Yeah" instead of "Yes sir." The kid may be smart. The kid may be a good worker. The kid may have a lot of skills. But who really cares?

I'll take the respectful mannerly kid any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Why?

Because a person who respects others and uses good manners will be able to open doors and connect with people far better than someone who doesn't. An employee who is mannerly and respectful to customers will bring in far more business than a capable but rude one. A man who is respectful to his wife (and vice versa) will have a far happier marriage than one where disrespect and rudeness dominate the relationship.

It's the fundamentals that count, parents. Take care of the fundamentals and the rest of your child's life will work itself out.


Fundamentals:

• Teach your children to do unto others as they would have others do unto them. If they do that, they will have no problems in life.

• Teach your children to always be on the lookout for a chance to use their manners. Insist on "Please," "Thank you," "You're Welcome," especially with people older than them.

• NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER let your child call an adult by his or her first name, even if the adult says it's okay. Have your children refer to ALL adults as "Mr" or "Mrs" or "Coach" or whatever the appropriate title is. Adults, do NOT tell children it is okay to call you by your first name, because it isn't. It is necessary for the child to know that adults are NOT on the same level as they are. It is good for the child to recognize and be respectful of their elders.

• Teach your children to do the fundamental things well. Be on time. Do what you say you're going to do. Smile. Treat others like you want to be treated.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on making good grades instead of being a good person. Maybe we put too much emphasis on future job training instead of future character training. Maybe we put too much emphasis on how much money our children will one day make instead of what kind of people our children will be.

Maybe we need to give attention to the things that don't bring awards but instead bring a good reputation.

If your child has good fundamentals, life will go pretty well for them. They will have little trouble navigating this life, because their fundamentals are good. A child without good fundamentals is like an athlete that can't dribble or catch. If you don't have the fundamentals, it doesn't matter what other abilities you have.

If you DO have the fundamentals, you'll do well. Very well, in fact. Set your kids up for success by teaching them the fundamentals listed above.

Victory, in sports AND in life, is achieved by doing the ordinary things extraordinarily well.

Why Can't Christians Date/Marry Non-Christians?

I think Bruno Mars is one of the best current vocalists out there. Incredible range on that guy. I was listening to "Grenade" the other day and it sounded more like a country song than a pop song:

"I would catch a grenade for you/ throw my hand on a blade for you/ 
I'd jump in front of a train for you/ I would do anything for you
I would go through all this pain/ take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes I would die for you baby/ But you won't do the same"

The song basically tells how dedicated he is to his lady friend, and she doesn't return his level of commitment. This dysfunctional relationship is known as being, "unequally yoked" in Biblical language. Basically what it means that that the two people have differing levels of commitment to each other. When that happens, someone is going to get hurt. Badly.

As I listened to poor Bruno sing the blues about how unequally yoked he is with this woman, I thought of what the Apostle Paul talked about when he told Christians, in the context of relationships and marriage, not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

I've had this question asked to me many times, especially when I was a youth minister- "Can a Christian date a non-Christian?" The answer is a resounding "no." When I would tell young people that (or adults) I would immediately get accusations of being judgmental or something like that. The Christian concept of only dating other Christians isn't judgmental or bigoted. Far from it. God doesn't want you to hate anyone or exclude anyone because of bigotry.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian love each other? Sure.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian communicate and respect each other and all that? Sure.

It's just that any relationship where the people are unequally yoked is going to have major trouble.

Everyone is moving towards something in his or her life. What we prioritize is what we move towards. If you are a Christian, your number one priority is Jesus Christ. As you move towards Him, your life, your values, your goals, your lifestyle, etc all take on the will of Christ as revealed in Scripture.

A person who is not a Christian doesn't share that priority. His or her life is moving in a different direction. Whatever he or she prioritizes is what he or she is moving towards, be it family, career, money, friends, whatever it is. As that person moves towards his or her priorities, the lifestyle, goals, values, etc will take on the aspects of his or her priority.

As the relationship progresses, the two people move apart. He's moving in one direction towards his priorities, and she is moving in a different direction towards hers. That's why marriage experts tell us that most marriages die with a whimper, not an explosion.

For example, let's say a Christian is married to a non-Christian. One of the most common causes of conflict is how to spend money. As the Christian grows in maturity, he feels the need to be faithful to the Christian teaching of tithing and generosity. So, he proposes to his non-Christian wife that they take the first 10% of their money and give it to the church he goes to.

She doesn't share his monetary values. She would rather that 10% go towards paying off debt or saving for college or on a new car. They are unequally yoked in their beliefs, and as anyone who is married knows, conflicts about money are no laughing matter. They are the number one cause of conflict in marriage.

That is just one small example of what being "unequally yoked" in dating/marriage looks like. There are many other issues that will pop up if a Christian marries a non-Christian, such as raising the children in the faith, spending the summer vacation going on a mission trip instead of to the beach, prioritizing church on Sunday instead of sports, etc.

It's not that God wants you to discriminate or hate or be fearful of non-Christians when it comes to dating and marriage. It's just that marriage is difficult enough when the two people HAVE the same beliefs. He doesn't want His people to experience the conflict and pain of a marriage between two people who are unequally yoked.

So you say, Dave, that's marriage. But what about just casual dating?

I don't believe in casual dating.

I tell my children that unless you see yourself marrying this person at some point in the future, they aren't worth dating. If they don't have the characteristics that you would look for in a spouse- faith, honesty, respect for you and respect for themselves, etc then why would you waste your time? Casual dating, with no plans for marriage, will always lead to the inevitable breakup, and why get into something you know will end in a possibly painful way? There is no wisdom in it.

Marriages that last for the long haul involve two people who can communicate at the deepest level possible, who share the common foundation of their most deeply held beliefs. If you are a Christian, you should only marry a person who shares your most deeply held beliefs and who will challenge and encourage you in the things that are of ultimate importance to you. The deep connection between a husband and wife who are equally committed to God is a wonderful one indeed. It is what makes marriage so wonderful by those who have it. The absence of that foundation is what makes marriage so terrible for so many.

If by dating or marrying someone you have to hide or minimize your most deeply held beliefs, you are in for major trouble down the road. Therefore, the Christian who wants to maintain and grow in his or her beliefs will date/marry only those who are walking that same road. The secret to a great marriage is being equally committed, equally yoked, together.

Poor Bruno Mars, if he had any respect for himself, needs to get out of that relationship he's singing about in "Grenade." If two people don't share the same amount of commitment, you will experience all the pain he sings about in that song. The same is true for people who don't share a common faith. 

The Prayerless Christian

I'm not very good at prayer.

I'm decent at some things about the Christian life. I love to read the Bible. I love to preach. I love to counsel, blog, teach, do prison ministry, go on mission trips, encourage orphans, visit hospitals, etc. I really like doing those things.

I just don't pray much.

I wish I did. As a pastor, prayer is of utmost importance. Communication with God is essential not just for my life as a Christian but especially as a pastor. You might even be thinking, "How in the world does the guy lead a church without praying much?"

That's a good question. One I don't really have a good answer to.

However, I'm finding that I'm not the only one with this issue.

Christians are good at all sorts of things. They are good at loving people. Yes, they really are. I've never met a more non-judgmental, caring, kind, giving, loving group of people as Christians. I don't care what the media says about Christians- they are the best people I know. Christians are also great at giving. American Christians, last year alone, spent $5 billion of their own money rescuing orphans from poverty through organizations like Compassion and World Vision, not to mention smaller organizations like our Catalyst Orphanage in India.

Christians are good at going to church. Millions of Christians attend church every week. Many millions more attend conferences to hear good preachers, listen on podcasts, watch preachers on YouTube, etc. Christians are good at sharing their faith and making converts. If they weren't, Christianity wouldn't be the largest religion in the world.

Christians are good at forgiving. Egypt's Coptic Christians, recently the victims of church bombings and murder by ISIS, publicly forgave the murderers and said that they loved them, much to the amazement of the Muslim world. Their culture is one of honor where revenge is almost mandatory, yet the Christians refused to take revenge and instead forgave. Christians are good at that.

However, many Christians just aren't very good at prayer.

I don't think it's because we don't want to talk with God. Far from it. It's just that prayer doesn't fit very well into American culture. In order to truly be consistent at prayer, it takes time. Time and silence. Time and intentional removal of oneself from media, smartphones, video games, computers, iPads, etc. It takes a quiet room with no distractions. It takes time of listening, time of pondering, time of reflection and seeking. That, my friends, doesn't happen much in America.

Our overstimulated brains have been wired for constant input. Silence, reflecting, removal of all stimulation is enough to drive most of us crazy, almost like an addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

For me, I can't start to pray without movie lines, songs, etc flooding my brain. I try to focus on God and having a conversation with Him, and all of a sudden a scene from Blazing Saddles or Dumb and Dumber goes through my mind, and then I start singing, "Pour Some Sugar On Me," (can you tell which generation I'm from?) and then I'm taken back to high school and the times I would blast that song from my Jeep, then my mind cuts to everything that I have to do that day, urgent lists of things that MUST be done right now, and then . . . . . .

And then my prayer life ceases.

It's very frustrating, because I love God. I love His word. I love His fellowship and His presence in my life, and I want to be good at prayer. I want to be able to shut it all off and get alone with Him every day. I want all those things.

It's just that developing a real prayer life takes such discipline, such sacrifice, such . . . . .  UNPLUGGING from normal life that many of us simply can't, or won't, do it. It's just too hard. It's like asking an addict to lay down his dope. Our stimulation-addicted brains just can't handle an hour of quiet silence where the God of the Universe speaks to us and we speak to Him.

I've become convinced of one thing- prayerlessness in the life of the Christian is sin.

What?

Yes. I'll say it again. Prayerlessness in the life of a Christian is sin.

In his masterpiece work, A Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster writes: "Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives. The closer we come to the heartbeat of God the more we see our need and the more we desire to be conformed to Christ. . . .  Prayer- secret, fervent, believing prayer- lies at the root of all personal godliness." -Foster, p 33

If you don't connect with God personally through prayer, you will have a tough time living out the Christian faith. It's just too hard. Without experiencing the power of God through prayer, you will burn out. Quickly. Take it from me, a guy who continues to struggle with the absence of prayer in my life.

I've also found that sin and prayer are mutually exclusive. The person who prays stops sinning, and the people who sin stop praying. Sin and prayer can't occupy the same space in your life. Either one or the other will win out. To pray is to root sin out of your life. To sin is to root prayer out of your life. You have to decide which one you value and which one you want.

Most of all, prayer is what pleases our Heavenly Father the most. As a father myself, I love it when my children come to me and simply want to talk with me. No agenda, not needing anything- just simply wanting some of my time because they love me and they know that I love them. It is the same with our Heavenly Father. Time is our Heavenly Father's love language.

Maybe one of the reasons there is such spiritual opposition to prayer is that our adversary, the devil, fears a Christian with a close connection with God. Satan is unable to tempt and destroy a person who is in close communion with the Father. Maybe that's why prayerlessness is so prevalent in the church. Maybe that's why we are frustrated and burned out trying to do what Jesus says. Maybe that's why people drop out of church, feel "unsatisfied" with their church experience, or have never really experienced the true power of God.

Today, Christians, is the day to connect with God in prayer. Not to get things, not because you need things, but simply because you love God and He loves you.

The Powerful Gift of a Growing Mom and Dad

The longer I live, the more I realize the importance of mom and dad in the development of faith in their children.

I believe that youth ministry and children's ministry are good things. I was a youth minister for nine years before being demoted to senior minister. I am a big believer in churches investing in their young people with specific programs and ministries dedicated to reaching them.

However, youth and children's ministries are extremely limited in their ability to be effective. That's because youth and children's ministries were never intended to be the sole or even the major conveyor of spiritual truth to children. God set up the mom and dad to be the primary teachers of faith to their children- a job that is woefully neglected by most moms and dads.

Why is this?

I don't think it's because moms and dads are evil. Far from it. Moms and Dads love their kids and want what is best for them. I think it's something else.

I think most moms and dads have taught their kids everything they know about the faith. Which, at the end of the day, really isn't much in most cases. I would imagine that if most church people were honest, there hasn't been a lot of growth in them in awhile. Oh sure, they've picked up a morsel here and a morsel there, but if we were gut-level honest, many if not most parents who come to church every week haven't made significant steps in their faith in a long time.

They are most likely still struggling with the same sins they were several years ago. They probably have similar patterns of prayer, reading the Bible, and other practices of Christians. They probably are serving in the same capacity that they were years ago, if at all. They probably haven't led anyone to the Lord in several years, if at all. In other words, when it boils down to it, Mom and Dad just ain't growing much. Well, let's be honest- Mom and Dad just ain't growing at ALL.

So it's no surprise that their children aren't growing either.

However, what if that weren't the case?

I like to give gifts to my children. I like to give them money. I like to give them sports equipment so they can play their sports. I like to give my children lots of gifts. We give our children gifts all the time, as we should. However . . . .

Parents- are you giving your children the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

Do your children see you as a different person than they did last year, or two or three years ago? Did they formerly know you as a reactionary person who went off because of the slightest provocation, and now they know you as a person of peace and understanding?

Did they formerly know you as a person who slept in on Sunday morning and now see you as a faithful church member?

Did they formerly know you as a person who never really engaged in the mission of Christ but now see you taking mission trips and serving?

Did they formerly know you as a bitter, unforgiving, mean person who now is full of joy?

Did they formerly see you as a person who obsessed over money who now is very generous?

Did they formerly see you as a person with no control over his or her mouth who now speaks words of kindness and love?

The list goes on, but you get my point.

Have you given them the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

As a former youth minister, I wish all my former students had had growing Moms and Dads. I wish that they had seen, in their homes, the life change in their parents. I wish that my former students could have grown up in homes where the grace of God was being talked about, shared about, and lived out by growing parents.

I wish that parents would have taken their faith as seriously as they wanted their children to.

Parents, today, give the powerful gift of growing parents to your children. Notice I didn't say "perfect." I said, "growing." I'm not so much concerned with parents being perfect (none of us are) as I am with parents that are simply living with a stagnant, lifeless, out-of-sight-out-of-mind faith. Parents whose faith is lifeless are robbing their children of a precious gift.

However, parents whose faith is life-giving and growing are giving their children a powerful gift. By their example, they are showing the growth process that God expects of all Christians. They aren't just sending their kids to church to learn about it. They are living it out in front of them. That's the way God intended for faith to be passed on. That's the way our children grow.

And that's the way that we ensure the blessings of God- the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- are passed down to the next generation.

America's moral decline threatens the very existence of a free society

News story after news story says the same thing: Americans believe that our nation is in moral decline. The last study I saw showed the 80% of Americans stated that America is worse off morally now than we were ten years ago.

It's interesting because it's not just one group of people saying that. It's not just conservatives who bemoan the direction of society. It's also liberals saying this. It's a rare thing these days for both liberals and conservatives to agree on something, but one thing is for certain- both say that America is in moral decline.

The problem, however, comes in the next question- what is "moral decline?"

That question would have been easy to answer fifty years ago. There was a common culture and a common understanding of what was right and wrong. It was generally assumed that a person should be honest- that lying, stealing, and cheating were immoral. It was generally assumed that adultery was immoral. It was generally assumed that sex outside of marriage was immoral (even though it happened quite often) and it was generally assumed that physical violence, except for self-defense, was immoral.

**NOTE**(I'm not talking about a return to the "good old days." Those days really didn't exist, other than in our minds. Immorality was around back then too. The difference between that day and today, however, is that at least back then when it happened, people agreed that it was wrong. That doesn't happen as much today.)

It was also generally understood that these morals came from God. These were not inventions of humanity. They were laid down in God's laws (think Ten Commandments) and were generally agreed upon by the majority of society.

That has changed radically.

Since the 1960s, moral relativism has taken root in America. When I was in school in the 80s and 90s, the prevailing thought was that "what is right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and what is wrong for you isn't necessarily wrong for me." How did this occur?

Easy. America moved its understanding of morality away from the absolutes of God.

With the foundation of God's law removed from the mind of society, morals became things that were philosophically appealing to the individual, not things mandated by a higher power with authority over our lives. Morality became personal, not universal. All of a sudden, if an individual found adultery philosophically appealing, regardless of what anything or anybody else said, it suddenly became okay. If violence was philosophically appealing to an individual, it suddenly became moral to commit acts of violence. After all, who are we to tell them they are wrong?

For example, the Antifa movement chants, "Any time, any place, punch a Nazi in the face." Well, is violence immoral? For Antifa, it isn't. It is perfectly moral for them, they believe, to commit acts of violence against "Nazis," which they define as anyone who thinks differently than them. They believe they are taking the moral high ground in acting violently towards them. They have created their own morality, and believe themselves to be on the side of good. Honestly, who are we to tell them they are wrong . . . . .  if we hold to moral relativism and say that what is right for you is not necessarily right for me?

So, in essence, we have no morals. We are left only with things that each individual places value on as "right" and "wrong."

How, then, do 80% of people in America say that we are in moral decline? What morals are declining, and honestly, why do we care?

Think about it- if right and wrong is determined by the individual, how can America be in moral decline? Answer- it can't be. Moral relativism states that right and wrong is up to each individual person, and therefore, no one can be immoral. The term "moral decline" implies that there is an objective standard from which we are moving downward. However, if all the people in a society are simply living out what they believe to be right, there can be no "moral decline."

America can only be in moral decline if morals are actually universal, dictated to us by an authority outside of ourselves, and non-negotiable. 80% of Americans, therefore, believe that there IS an objective moral standard out there, and we are moving downwards from it.

I agree with that assessment.

Churches used to be the conveyor of morals to a community. Fathers and mothers would communicate truths of the Bible to their children- "Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not lie, Do not covet, Honor Father and Mother, Don't use the Lord's Name carelessly, Remember the Sabbath Day, Do not worship idols . . . .  and the number one moral- YOU SHALL HAVE NO GODS BEFORE ME."

As our society has de-emphasized the role of church in a community, and with it the role of Christian morality, our society has suffered. Drug use is epidemic in America right now as people seek escape from life or just find a way to feel good. Divorce is rampant, tearing homes apart and growing entire generations of children raised in broken homes. According to the National Association of Shoplifting Prevention, there are 27 million shoplifters in America, or one out of every eleven people in this nation. Identity theft is the fastest-growing crime in America, ruining its victims for years and stealing away financial security.

Why do we care?

Because our entire way of life depends on it.

John Adams, one of the founders of this nation, upon his vote to ratify the Constitution of the United States, issued this warning- "This Constitution is meant only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for the the governance of any other."

John Adams knew that a free society would HAVE to be a moral society. A society where people had personal privacy, the freedom to move around, assemble, speak, practice religion, question the government, etc would have to be self-governed. A society that was characterized by immorality would necessitate a police state- a state resembling a prison where all behavior was monitored, no freedoms were granted, and the government kept a watchful eye on all activity.

This is why we care about America's moral decline.

I am as shocked and as saddened as you are about hearing about the terrorist bombing in Manchester, England. As of the writing of this blog, there is intelligence showing another terrorist attack is imminent. As disturbing as the bombing was, what truly bothered me were the pictures coming from England showing the English army soldiers patrolling the streets.

Armed patrols of military units decked out in tactical gear, usually only seen in war zones in Afghanistan and Iraq, are now on the streets of Manchester, England. They are walking through streets of a nation not at war, not under occupation, not being threatened by a foreign army. However, they might as well be. That looks more like a police state than a free society.

The only response the government has to morality is to step up policing and take away freedom. It's the only tool it has to counteract it.

We have immoral people committing acts of violence in school. The response is to have metal detectors and police officers in school.

We have immoral people stealing from shopping malls. The response is to have security officers, cameras, and increased surveillance.

We have immoral people threatening terrorist acts against us. The response is more government surveillance of email, social media, text messages, etc.

See, an immoral society, a society which cannot police itself, a society where violence and theft and lying and cheating are rampant, is begging for a police state. When the people cannot police themselves, the government will. As America slips further and further into moral decline, we will see more surveillance, more police, more National Guard, more laws, more rules, and more incarceration. We will lose the very freedoms we cherish due to the increasing immorality of our society.

This is why we care.

This is why parents must step up and teach their children the Biblical morals that were at one time woven into the fabric of our society.

This is why we must take seriously the Biblical mandate to discipline our children.

This is why we must stop believing this false philosophy of moral relativism that says morals are subjective and up to the individual- after all, could the Manchester bomber really be considered immoral or wrong? He was simply doing what he believed to be right. Who are we to judge, right?

This is why we must take seriously our commitment to our local churches. They need to become once again the moral voice in our communities, teaching right from wrong and training parents to teach their children right from wrong.

Our very way of life- our very society- hinges on the level to which we hold to morality. Right now it is in danger. It is up to us to turn it around.

"I had things to do . . . . "

I was in court the other day waiting for the trial of one of the graduates of my prison ministry program. There was a woman at the stand, talking to the judge. I had missed the first part of what was going on, but I quickly got the gist of what was going on.

The woman had been on probation and had missed her court date two weeks prior. Because of that, she had been arrested and put in the detention center for probation violation. There she was now, in an orange jumpsuit, talking to the judge.

The judge said, "Ms _______________, last Friday you were supposed to appear in court to have your supervised probation changed to unsupervised probation, basically meaning you were going to be free. No more checking with probation officer, free to leave the state, etc. I was going to set you free. Can you tell me why you failed to appear in court?"

She replied, "I had things to do."

I blinked several times. Did I just hear correctly? Did she just tell the judge she had "things to do?" I think the judge was as startled as I was. He was probably expecting some kind of excuse or reason, but I doubt he was expecting to hear that.

He took off his glasses, looked down, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and said, "Excuse me, did you say that you had 'things to do?"

She nodded.

He said, "This was a trial to SET YOU FREE. Do you understand that?"

She nodded and said, "I didn't think you'd mind."

The judge just stared at her.

The line from Forrest Gump ran through my head when Forrest went to see Bubba's family and Bubba's mom asked Forrest, "Are you crazy or just plain stupid?" (And of course, Forrest answered, 'Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am.')

Yes. Stupid is as stupid does. And what this lady did was stupid. I guess Forrest WAS correct. Stupid actually IS as stupid does.

The judge said, "The lack of respect shown to this court is upsetting me. You were going to be set free, but now I have no option but to charge you with probation violation as well as contempt of court. You were looking at six years, but were on probation. Now, your sentence of six years in the detention center is back. Good day."

A woman who was about to be set free from her sentence of six years got sent back to the slammer.

I tried to think of something that was so important that she couldn't show up in court- something so important that it was worth missing a judge's hearing to be set free from a sentence of six years in jail. Something so amazing and important and worthwhile and fulfilling and purposeful that it was worth going to jail for six years for.

I couldn't think of a single thing.

I shook my head as I watched this. What in the world was this woman thinking? But then I realized something. I wonder if that is what many people will say when they stand before God on the day of their judgement. God will look at them and say, "I died for you. I died for your sins. You were sentenced to hell because of the sins you committed. I took your sins on Myself and I wanted to set you free, but you didn't even show up. You never honored Me as God. You never acknowledged what I did for you. You couldn't make it to church for worship, just to say thank you. You refused to accomplish My Great Commission to go into all the world and make disciples. I had a purpose for you, gifts and talents I blessed you with and you didn't use them to honor Me or build up My church. There were children who needed adoption, but you never did. There were people who needed you and you weren't there. There were things I wanted you to do with My money (yes, it's mine, not yours) and you spent it on yourself. You went your own selfish way, never acknowledging Me as God. Why?"

I wonder if most people will respond, like the lady did, "I had things to do."

I'm racking my brain trying to come up with something so important, so meaningful, so pressing, so utterly essential to our being that would cause us to miss God's invitation to be set free from an eternity in hell. Something so important and so pressing that would keep us from His church. Something so dadgum essential to life that we would willingly go to hell for eternity for it.

I can't think of a single thing.

Yet, how many of us are missing it? How many of us will have nothing better to say to God than, "Well, I had things to do," when He asks us why we didn't show up? Why we didn't do what He wanted us to do? Why we were so busy that we couldn't make disciples, pass on our faith to our children, why we couldn't prioritize worship on Sunday mornings, why we couldn't stay faithful to Him?

So many of us take the glory of God so lightly. We think of God as so trivial. We think of His justice as no big deal. We think lightly of His sacrifice on the cross. We give a patronizing smile to the eternal consequences of sin and think nothing of it, saying the same thing the woman said to the judge, "I didn't think you'd mind." We think of God as a giant cosmic teddy bear, a large version of Mr Rogers, or a kindly old Captain Kangaroo who just doesn't mind in the slightest what we do because, after all, we have things to do.

People, nothing is worth eternity. It's time for us to take the glory of God seriously. It's time for us to take the sacrifice of Jesus seriously. It's time for us to realize that the justice of God is as real as His grace and the wrath of God is as real as His love. The earthly judge I saw a few days ago wouldn't put up with being held in contempt- do we truly think that our Heavenly Judge will put up with our contempt for His justice?

The woman thought the judge wasn't all that. It was obvious by her actions towards him that she had no respect for him or for his authority. She found out very quickly that she was wrong. Let's not be such fools when it comes to God.

Why I Don't Tell My Kids They Are Good At Things

I know, I know. You're supposed to build the kids up. You're supposed to praise their accomplishments. You're supposed to encourage and compliment and show your kids that they are awesome. After all, Whitney Houston told us all that, "children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside," right?

I agree with all that, although I hate that song.

So, Dave, why don't you tell your kids that they are good at things?

First of all, my kids ARE good at things. They are good at a lot of things. They are outstanding students who are good at learning, studying, and earning good grades. They are athletes who are good at their respective sports of tennis and soccer. They are good at music.

They are good at a lot of things.

But I never tell them they are good at school. I never tell them they are good at sports. I never tell them they are good at singing, or playing an instrument, or anything else they are good at.

Instead, when I see that they are good at something, I tell them, "You must have worked very hard to be good at that."

I choose to point out the work that got them there rather than where they are.

This does something radical within them: it keeps them from feelings of entitlement and jealousy.

Entitlement is one of the most toxic feelings around. It's everywhere in America right now. We have an entire nation that thinks it is owed something simply for being here. People feel entitled to better jobs, the same possessions as their neighbors, the same standard of living as everyone else, and just about anything else you can name right now. I hear people criticizing wealthy people, who worked all their lives to achieve their fortunes, saying they don't deserve it and "I wonder who they climbed over on the way," and all that.

Entitlement.

Entitlement robs a person of joy. The most miserable people I know are people who feel they are owed something that they don't have. They are depressed, miserable, and are a pain to be around. I don't want that for my children.

I don't tell my kid she is good at tennis. Why? Because if she believes she is good at tennis she will not handle losing very well. If I repeatedly tell her, "You're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player," and she gets beat a few times, she will have a major problem making sense of what's going on. However, if I tell her, "You certainly have worked hard at tennis and look where that work has gotten you," and she loses a few matches, she'll realize that she simply needs to work harder. She doesn't feel entitled to win a match. She knows she has to work hard to win a match. That's a good life lesson- one that applies in all areas of life.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors we are rewarded for. Your kids will repeat behaviors that you praise them for. I want my children to be hard workers. Therefore, instead of emphasizing the natural ability or talent my kids have, I choose to reward the work they themselves put in. I want them to achieve success because of superior work ethic, not because of superior talent or ability. They won't have superior ability or talent in all areas. However, they can always have a superior work ethic in EVERYTHING.

Parents, begin complimenting the WORK behind your childrens' successes. Did your kid bring home a good report card? Don't say, "You're so smart." Say, "You must have worked very hard to get those good grades." Did your child perform well athletically? Say, "Look what all your hard work at practice and out in the back yard did for you." Did your child build something or learn a new skill? Say, "You are such a hard worker. Well done!"

I want my children to see the correlation between the work they put in on something and the success they experience. Teach them the right lesson. Don't tell them they are good at things. Tell them how the hard work they put in brought them success.

A person who sees the correlation between work and success will rarely feel jealous of another person. I want my children to see someone who is successful and automatically think, "Wow- that person worked hard to get there," not, "well, look at how easy they have it." I want my children to think, when they see someone who is successful at something, that they can do it too. I don't want my children to linger in resentment and bitterness because they believe life has been unfair to them, that success and work are NOT related, and that somehow they have been robbed of what is owed them.

People are where they are in life more often because of how much work they have done rather than how talented they are. At least in most cases. I want to build that thought process into my children. Every accomplishment they have I want them to learn how it was the work they did that was important, not how "good" they were at it.

By doing that, we can develop children (who will soon be adults) that have learned the correlation between success and hard work. Don't refer to them as "smart," "talented," or "good at ___________."

Refer to them as "hard workers," and watch them, with a clear belief that success and work are linked, go off and earn their own success.

Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy

If you ask parents today what they want for their children, the most common answer will be for them to be "happy."

That makes sense. We love our kids and, well, why not? Why not want them to be happy? Why not make that the focus? What- do you want them to be sad?

I don't want my kids to be sad, but I'm not real concerned with whether they are happy or not. That's not a goal of mine as a parent. Nor should it be for you.

Instead, I want my kids to have character.

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter which meant a "stamping tool." In ancient times, artisans would use a kharakter to etch carvings in stone or wood. This indicated a permanence (hence the saying, "etched in stone" meaning something unchanging and eternal) that was not changed easily or quickly. Character is a permanent etching on our children, meaning they exhibit consistency in belief, action, word, and thought.

Character is who you are when no one is looking. Character is what prompts you to give back money when the cashier has given you too much change. Character is what prompts you to tell the truth even when you could get away with a lie. Character is your undying sense of right and wrong; it is what motivates the employee to go the extra mile, what motivates the spouse to stay faithful through fifty years of marriage, what motivates the child to do his best work at all times.

That is what I want for my children.

A child with character becomes an adult with character. An adult with character will become a worker with character, a spouse with character, and a father/mother with character. This person will never have to worry about finding a job, being second-guessed by his or her spouse, or worry about an action coming back to bite them. A person of character will have, over the long run, doors of opportunity wide open, because a person of character can be trusted and therefore will experience a great life.

That's what I want for my children.

Parents, spend a little less time being concerned with your child's happiness and spend a little more time building their character. I would take a person of character any day of the week over a person of intelligence, a person of ability, or a person of wit. Intelligence, ability, and wit mean nothing without character behind them. If you truly want your child to be happy, spend time building their character, not their happiness.

When they have character, they will be happy. A person who is trusted by all, a person who is known for doing good work, a person who is known for getting the job done, a person who is known to be honest in all circumstances, a person who repeatedly and consistently shows respect to his or her elders . . . .  THAT person will be extremely happy.

My job as a parent isn't to ensure my kids' happiness. If they want to be happy, that's on them. It is up to them to be "happy." It is my job as a parent to build their character so that they have a permanent etching, something unchanging and eternal, about them.

When we raise children of character, they will in turn grow up to be happy. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. Emphasizing our childrens' happiness will not result in character. Too often, it leads to the exact opposite. Raising up a child with an emphasis on his or her happiness many times leads to a spoiled child who cannot handle life. That is a person of no character. Sadly, that is what is being seen more and more and more in today's world.

The well-intentioned goal of the American parent, for their children to be happy, has backfired. By emphasizing happiness over character, we have unwittingly raised a generation of children who are open to anything and everything that comes along; a generation who will fall prey to anything Hollywood or Facebook or mass media will tell them. By blurring the lines of right and wrong and instead emphasizing "whatever makes you feel good," we have hamstrung our children and robbed them of the very thing we as parents were tasked with giving them- character.

I want my kids to be happy. It's just that I want that happiness to come out of a life of virtue, of consistently making the right decisions, of being rock-solid in their beliefs and not compromising on who they are. I don't want their happiness to come from me. I want it to come from within themselves.

My job is to build character in my kids . . . .  and then let the happiness they experience in life flow from that.

The Ten o' Clock Rule for Marriage

One common experience that I hear from married couples is late-night arguing. It goes something like this:

At night, after the kids go to bed, husband and wife are tired. When couples are tired, things that aren't really a big deal BECOME a big deal: clothes on the floor, a chore that was forgotten, what little Billy did at school today, etc. Either husband or wife mentions this, and a discussion begins. The discussion becomes an argument. That argument goes on and on and on into the night, and by 2 am you aren't even talking about what started the argument- you're just mad.

True? It happens to just about every married couple I know.

Why does this happen?

Simple. Things become worse when you are 1) tired and 2) hungry. Late at night is the WORST time to discuss or solve anything.

That's why I propose a new rule in all households- the beautiful 10:00 rule.

The 10:00 rule simply says this- unless the house is on fire or someone is being murdered downstairs in the family room, it doesn't need to be dealt with tonight. After 10:00 pm, the only things that happen in this house are sleep and sex.

Most things that are "important" and "urgent" at 10:00 pm can be solved the next day, after a good night's sleep and breakfast. I've found that most of what I feel HAS to be discussed and solved at night isn't really even that big a deal at 8 am the next morning.

Seems simple, but you'd be amazed how much conflict, strife, arguing, and total destruction of marriages occurs after 10:00 pm. I would even go as far as to say that most marriages are destroyed after 10:00.

So stop it.

Set an alarm at 10:00. After it goes off, stop talking about it. It's not important. It's not crucial. The things that upset you late at night have more to do with the fact that you are tired and hungry than they do with what actually happened. Husbands and wives, how many of you have argued into the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up and realize how stupid the argument was?

How many of us have said things in those arguments- lost our cool, lost our tempers- that we thoroughly regret? How many of you, had you tackled the problem in the morning after a good night's sleep, would have handled it much differently? How many of the things we argued about at night weren't even issues in the morning?

If most marriages are destroyed after 10:00, then refuse to destroy your marriage.

Nothing but sleep and sex after 10:00. If it's still an issue in the morning, which most of the time it won't be, tackle it then. You'll be amazed at how much better your marriage will be.

After 10:00 pm:

-Don't mention the clothes on the floor. Doesn't matter if it's the third time this week. Resist the temptation to make it an issue.

-Don't discuss problems with the kids. From 10:00 pm on, it's YOUR time as a couple. Resist the temptation to discuss kids.

-Don't discuss finances. It's not the time. Your bank statement and financial situation will be there in the morning. Don't discuss expenditures, debt, budget, etc after 10:00.

Simply enjoy each other. Sleep and sex only. Make the decision that those are the only two things allowed in the house after 10:00. You'll be amazed at how different your marriage will be.

Put it into practice and see what happens. Good night and God bless!

Ten little Christians . . . .

Ten little Christians, standing in a line,
One didn't like the preacher- then there were nine.

Nine little Christians stayed up very late,
One slept in Sunday morning- then there were eight.

Eight little Christians on the road to heaven,
One took the lower road- and then there were seven.

Seven little Christians got in an awful fix,
One didn't like the music- and then there were six.

Six little Christians seemed very much alive,
But one lost his temper- and then there were five.

Five little Christians wishing there were more,
But they quarreled with each other- and then there were four.

Four little Christians cheerful as could be,
Another lost his temper- and then there were three.

Three little Christians knew not what to do,
One joined the party crowd- and then there were two.

Two little Christians, our rhyme is almost done,
Differed with each other- then there was one.

One little Christian,  with courage and fire a-plenty
Preached the gospel, brother- and then there were many.