How to win the heart of your spouse

Marriage is tough.

It's great, wonderful, joyful, life-giving, rewarding . . . . .  but it's tough.  We as a culture aren't doing so great when it comes to seeing it through to the end, either. 

I had a couple in my office this week- a young couple that is struggling with weird work hours, young children, little time for each other, and all the other stresses that people go through in marriage.  I listened and counseled and we went through my all-time favorite prescription for marital success, James 1:19- "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

As we talked through that verse, something just hit me.  I looked at the guy and said, "You know how to win her heart.  You've done it once already- that's why she married you.  I'm not telling you to do anything that you haven't already done before." 

I said the same thing to the lady.  "You know how to win his heart.  That's why he married you."

They looked at each other and smiled.  I said, "Right?"

They said, "Right."

I said, "So why did you stop?"

The guy looked at me and said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "You won her heart back when you were dating.  What did you do back then to win her heart, to make her feel special?"

He listed several things that he had done.  She did the same thing.  I finished the session with, "You both know how to win your spouses' heart.  So, this week- go out and win their heart back.  Do what you did in the beginning.  It worked, didn't it?"

Then I ask myself the same question- why have I stopped?  I know how to win my wife's heart.  I know exactly what to do to make her feel special, important, loved, cherished- all those things. 

So why did I stop?

I'm sure I can say the normal things such as, "Well, back then, we didn't have kids, or a mortgage, or all the stress of work, or worrying about retirement, or running kids to soccer games and tennis matches and baseball games and all that," but that's not the reason I stopped.

The reason I stopped is because all my incentive is gone.

See, men are hunters.  We see the quarry and go after it, doing whatever it takes to catch it.  Once we make the kill, we bring the deer or quail or moose or whatever it is back home, mount it on the wall as a trophy, and forget about it, moving on the next thing in life to be conquered.

That's where a lot of marriages are today.  We put in the hard work of dating and courtship and winning the heart, but now that we are married, all that stuff is over and we've mounted our marriage up on the wall like a trophy, never to be hunted or pursued again.

I see it all the time.  I see it in my marriage as well.  I have to constantly go back to the time when Rachel and I were teenagers- 19 year olds who had just met and were beginning the process of falling in love.  I always had time for her.  ALWAYS.  I didn't make excuses for why I couldn't see her- I made it happen, whatever it took.  I planned dates and surprised her with flowers, wrote her letters (that's HANDWRITTEN letters, guys, not text messages), and dressed up, looking my best whenever I would see her.

I know how to win my wife's heart.  But the list above is not something that resembles my life today whatsoever.  You are probably in the same boat as me.

I wonder why it is the universal assumption that the excitement of dating and the pursuing of courtship ends when we get married.  Why is that such a commonplace thing?

I challenge all married men (and women) to go back to the time when you won the heart of your spouse.  You know how to do it.  This isn't new territory.  This isn't a new skill.  You're a veteran at this.  You're good at this.  You are the master of winning the heart of your spouse.

It's just that if you are like me, you just haven't done it in awhile.

Go back in time.  Remember the days when just the touch of your spouse's hand sent about 600 volts of electricity up your spine?  Go back to the time when flowers and a date night trumped your TV show or Pinterest.  Go back to the time when you won the heart of the love of your life.  Let your home be filled with romance and passion, for that is the kind of home God desires for you to have. 

Start referring to your wife as your girlfriend or your husband as your boyfriend.  Or your fiance.  Enjoy each other.  Win their heart.  Be passionate.  Be loving.  Let the couple in the Song of Solomon inspire you.  Follow their example of lifelong love.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to get things ready for my date night with my wife.  I might be back by Sunday morning.