Parents aren't perfect. We screw up. Some of us screw up a lot.
Because of this, many of us do something really stupid.
We base our decisions on what to do as a parent, not on what is best for the child, but because we think we owe our children something. This is known as Guilt Parenting.
For example, we all know that divorce is a prevalent thing in our society. Parents know that divorce is rough on the kids, and rightly or wrongly, many parents blame themselves for allowing their marriages to fall apart. They feel that they have robbed their children of a two-parent home, caused all kinds of issues for their kids, maybe even scarred them for life.
So, in order to make up for this, when the kid stays out too late, the parents let it go. After all, the parents owe the kid something due to the divorce, right?
Or, the parents shower their kids with gifts and toys. Whatever the kid wants, the kid gets. Why? Because getting everything you want is good for the kid? No. The kid gets what he wants because the parents feel guilty and feel that they "owe" the child something.
While this may allow the parents to sleep a little better at night, it is awful for the kids. Guilt parenting sets the kid up for failure, because- NEWSFLASH- no one other than their parents will make decisions about them based on guilt.
Their employers won't allow them to be late to work. Their spouses won't cater to their whims or buy off their affection. No one else will treat them in this way. Guilt parenting robs a child of a strong sense of right and wrong, a sense of responsibility, and self-discipline. Without realizing it, parents create a monster while trying to tame the guilt monster within themselves.
I was at the Fayette County Detention Center this morning, teaching fatherhood skills to inmates. During the introduction time, I asked the guys how many kids they had and how old they were. One inmate to my immediate left, a man whose shaved head was covered with tattoos, said, "I got four. Three out there and one sitting right next to me." He pointed to the younger man sitting next to him. Then he added, "Pretty pathetic, huh? We're both in here together."
Here was a man with a lot of guilt. Now, most of the people reading this blog aren't sitting in jail next to their children saying, "Pretty pathetic, huh?" However, I would imagine that there are quite a few that are sitting at home or at work and are looking at their family life saying, "Pretty pathetic, huh?" They look at their own broken lives full of financial mismanagement, broken marriages, broken relationships, dumb decisions, tempers lost (at their children), and they say, "I owe my kids. I've hurt them; I've ignored them, I've yelled at them, I've made decisions selfishly and it's affected them negatively. I owe them."
Yes, you owe them. But you don't owe them leniency or new toys.
You owe them the gift of a parent who doesn't parent out of guilt.
You owe them boundaries and consistency.
You owe them discipline and correction.
You owe them love and affection.
You owe them your time and sacrifice.
You owe them wise decisions, made after prayer and seeking the Lord in Scripture.
You owe them a stable home, not one built on chasing fantasies or emotions or what is cool or popular, but built on what will last for eternity.
You owe them the chance to fall flat on their faces and take responsibility for their laziness, mistakes, and rebellion.
Yes, parents, you owe them. But you also don't owe them.
You don't owe them popularity or coolness with their friends.
You don't owe them happiness or ease.
You don't owe them new gadgets and toys and clothes and shoes.
You don't owe them the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want.
You don't owe them your silence or apathy.
You are the parent. Guilt parenting will never raise healthy well-adjusted kids. It won't even alleviate the guilt you feel inside. Only God can do that. I have never seen a good decision be made while guilt was the driving force behind it. I've never seen views or attitudes that were shaped by guilt benefit anyone. Guilt muddies the waters and makes otherwise rational people do very foolish and stupid things.
Stop parenting out of guilt. Start parenting out of love.
Because of this, many of us do something really stupid.
We base our decisions on what to do as a parent, not on what is best for the child, but because we think we owe our children something. This is known as Guilt Parenting.
For example, we all know that divorce is a prevalent thing in our society. Parents know that divorce is rough on the kids, and rightly or wrongly, many parents blame themselves for allowing their marriages to fall apart. They feel that they have robbed their children of a two-parent home, caused all kinds of issues for their kids, maybe even scarred them for life.
So, in order to make up for this, when the kid stays out too late, the parents let it go. After all, the parents owe the kid something due to the divorce, right?
Or, the parents shower their kids with gifts and toys. Whatever the kid wants, the kid gets. Why? Because getting everything you want is good for the kid? No. The kid gets what he wants because the parents feel guilty and feel that they "owe" the child something.
While this may allow the parents to sleep a little better at night, it is awful for the kids. Guilt parenting sets the kid up for failure, because- NEWSFLASH- no one other than their parents will make decisions about them based on guilt.
Their employers won't allow them to be late to work. Their spouses won't cater to their whims or buy off their affection. No one else will treat them in this way. Guilt parenting robs a child of a strong sense of right and wrong, a sense of responsibility, and self-discipline. Without realizing it, parents create a monster while trying to tame the guilt monster within themselves.
I was at the Fayette County Detention Center this morning, teaching fatherhood skills to inmates. During the introduction time, I asked the guys how many kids they had and how old they were. One inmate to my immediate left, a man whose shaved head was covered with tattoos, said, "I got four. Three out there and one sitting right next to me." He pointed to the younger man sitting next to him. Then he added, "Pretty pathetic, huh? We're both in here together."
Here was a man with a lot of guilt. Now, most of the people reading this blog aren't sitting in jail next to their children saying, "Pretty pathetic, huh?" However, I would imagine that there are quite a few that are sitting at home or at work and are looking at their family life saying, "Pretty pathetic, huh?" They look at their own broken lives full of financial mismanagement, broken marriages, broken relationships, dumb decisions, tempers lost (at their children), and they say, "I owe my kids. I've hurt them; I've ignored them, I've yelled at them, I've made decisions selfishly and it's affected them negatively. I owe them."
Yes, you owe them. But you don't owe them leniency or new toys.
You owe them the gift of a parent who doesn't parent out of guilt.
You owe them boundaries and consistency.
You owe them discipline and correction.
You owe them love and affection.
You owe them your time and sacrifice.
You owe them wise decisions, made after prayer and seeking the Lord in Scripture.
You owe them a stable home, not one built on chasing fantasies or emotions or what is cool or popular, but built on what will last for eternity.
You owe them the chance to fall flat on their faces and take responsibility for their laziness, mistakes, and rebellion.
Yes, parents, you owe them. But you also don't owe them.
You don't owe them popularity or coolness with their friends.
You don't owe them happiness or ease.
You don't owe them new gadgets and toys and clothes and shoes.
You don't owe them the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want.
You don't owe them your silence or apathy.
You are the parent. Guilt parenting will never raise healthy well-adjusted kids. It won't even alleviate the guilt you feel inside. Only God can do that. I have never seen a good decision be made while guilt was the driving force behind it. I've never seen views or attitudes that were shaped by guilt benefit anyone. Guilt muddies the waters and makes otherwise rational people do very foolish and stupid things.
Stop parenting out of guilt. Start parenting out of love.
No comments:
Post a Comment