Why all the fuss about sexual harassment?

I became a father in 1999. My daughter Casey was born, and I became the father to a daughter.

Becoming a father changes your life immensely, but to me, becoming a father to a daughter was especially intense. I had never really been around females that much. Growing up, I only had one brother (no sisters) and there were eleven boys on my street. Not much in the way of being around females that much.

That all changed when my daughter was born. We were living in Alabama at the time, and my wife and I worked out at a Gold's Gym in town. I remember vividly one day walking into the gym, carrying my infant daughter on the way to the child care room. A music video was on the TVs, and the music was blasting throughout the gym. The song was, "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang, and the chorus said, "

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

(My first thought when I heard that song was, "I'll bet every high school guy in America wants to date that singer's daughter, because he wouldn't have any problem with her sleeping around. She ain't nothin' but a mammal, anyway." My second thought was, "I hope his daughter is better looking than he is.")

But I digress. Back to the topic.

Sexual harassment doesn't exist in the animal kingdom. 

I hunt deer. One of the things I've learned is that during the mating season, the male buck will pursue the female doe relentlessly. When he finds her, he basically has his way with her. He will physically lock her down, mate with her many times, then stay with her for a few days to fight off other bucks who would compete for "mating rights" with her.

Let's just say there doesn't seem to be much in it for the doe. She carries the unborn deer, gives birth, feeds and nurtures it, and the buck doesn't even call the next day. Shameful.

Why am I saying all this?

Well, I was thoroughly schooled in the secular concept of abiogenesis/evolution. I was taught, as many people are, in no uncertain terms that there is no God, that we are all evolved, that what is right and wrong is not universal but subjective to each individual, and that we are simply mammals. That's it. The notion that we were made in the image of God was mocked and scoffed at. The notion that God has laid down a moral law that cannot be changed or trifled with was scorned. 

So, I ask again, if that's the case, what is the big deal with all the sexual harassment charges these days?

Why do we have a different moral standard than that of a deer?

See, in the animal kingdom, when it comes to male/female relations, there is only one moral law- might makes right. The stronger prey upon the weaker. Might makes right. That's the way of things in the animal kingdom. In the animal kingdom, the greatest "good" that can happen is that you, the stronger, takes advantage of the weaker. That's what the bucks do. That's what ensures that their genes will be passed down to the next generation.

Why are humans different?

Why aren't men like Al Franken, John Conyers, Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Bill O' Reilly, and others seen as moral? After all, these are powerful men. They were living out the morality of the animal kingdom- using their power and influence to prey upon the weaker. After all, we ain't nothin' but mammals, right?

Yet, these men are being criticized, fired, reputations ruined, facing justice, and are facing a massive backlash because they are being seen as IMMORAL. 

Viewing their actions as immoral must mean that there is a different moral standard expected of humans than that of other animals in the world. But where does this moral standard come from?

Hmmmm. Maybe these sex scandals have awakened Americans to the existence of God. There can be no law without a Lawgiver. Every law that exists has been spoken or written into existence by an intelligent being. Therefore, there must be an intelligence behind the moral standard that sets us apart from the animal kingdom.

We all know that the moral standard that exists in the animal kingdom, that "Might Makes Right" isn't right. We all know that it is wrong for a physically stronger man to have his way with a physically weaker woman against her consent. But, again I ask  . . . .  How? WHY is that wrong? More specifically, why is it right for a deer and wrong for a human? We ain't nothin' but mammals, right?

Without God, without a universal moral law that has been written onto human hearts, it wouldn't be wrong. It would simply be the moral standard that exists in the animal kingdom, and the male who could bed the greatest amount of females, ensuring the maximum amount of descendants, would be seen as the most moral.

The sexual harassment atom bomb that has blown up in Hollywood and Washington DC is truly amazing. If you will notice, no one is arguing from a moral relativism standpoint. No one is saying, "Well, we can't really criticize Matt Lauer, because sexually harassing women was right for him. Quit judging him." I don't hear anyone saying that. I also don't hear anyone making the Bloodhound Gang argument that Harvey Weinstein and the girls he raped/harrassed were simply mammals doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Nope. None of those arguments are being made right now.

The argument being made is that these actions are wrong. Badly wrong. Totally wrong. Because they most certainly are.

But in order for someone to say they are wrong, they must have an absolute moral standard showing what "right" is. Then, they must question WHERE that moral standard came from.

I was talking with an atheist friend about this. When I asked him this question, he thought for a minute, and said, "Centuries ago, humans got together and decided that men shouldn't do that, I guess."

I said, "That's it? So, people just kinda decided on a whim that they didn't want that happening in their communities, and that's where the standard came from."

He said, "Yeah, I guess."

I said, "So, if those humans had gotten together and decided the OPPOSITE, that it was perfectly fine for Kevin Spacey to sexually assault a teenager, that it was perfectly okay for Bill Clinton to take advantage of an intern in the Oval Office . . . .  if those humans had gotten together and decided that it was okay for a grown man to have his way with your daughter, you would be okay with it? After all, these humans centuries ago could have decided either way, right?"

He just looked at me. He didn't answer.

We all know the answer to that. We know that it wouldn't matter WHAT a tribe of ancient humans came up with- never would it be okay for a grown man to rape a child, even though that goes perfectly with the morality of "might makes right" in the animal kingdom. I would STILL not be okay with it, no matter what the law says. That's because there is a universal moral law written on all our hearts, telling us it is wrong.

That universal moral law wasn't decided upon in a committee and voted into existence. It was spoken into existence by God, the Lawgiver.

The presence of a law demands that there also be a Lawgiver. These sexual harassment suits have once again awakened America to objective moral standards, ones that are inherent to every human being. Without God, that wouldn't exist.

I guess the Bloodhound Gang was wrong. I guess we are more than just mammals. I guess we can't just do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Bill O'Reilly, John Conyers, Al Franken, and many others are finding that out the hard way. They are finding out that the law of the animal kingdom doesn't jive with the universal moral law of humans.

I have a wife and two daughters as well as two sons. I want my wife and daughters to be respected by the boys and men around them. I don't want them harassed, disrespected, viewed as objects to satisfy lust, or less than. I want my sons to treat women with respect. That's actually very odd . . . . in the animal kingdom.

A male buck doesn't care how the doe, or his children, are treated.

I believe that people are made in the image of God. I believe there is something sacred, something beautiful, something infinitely valuable in every human. To treat a person without respect is to malign the very God who created him or her. That's just not territory I want to move onto. I think I'll leave that alone.

No one taught me that. No one showed me that. I've known that since the day I was born.

None of that would exist without the universal moral law of God.

Just another way God shows us He is here.

What I Wish Christians (and People In General) Would Stop Doing

There are lots of toxic behaviors out there today. Gossip, drama, revenge, backstabbing, badmouthing, etc have been part of humanity since the beginning. All of those are bad, and I'm sure you can name many others.

However, I want to address one thing that rarely gets talked about, yet is the cause of the biggest frustration for me, one of the biggest discouragers for me, and one that I think needs to disappear if the Church is ever going to be healthy.

Are you ready? Here is is.

It's something I call "hiding."

Hiding looks like this: a person or family comes to your church. They return. You get to know them. You see them around town. You have them over for dinner. They have you over for dinner. You spend time together, praying together, studying the Bible together, your families get to know each other. You become friends.

Then, all of a sudden, they disappear. No phone call. No text.

You send them a message, saying, "Hey, we missed you!" No response.

They are there the next Sunday, but they are gone the next several.

You ask where they've been. You get a vague, "We were busy."

They miss next Sunday. You send a text. No response.

You call. They don't answer.

You may see them again, but most of the time you don't. And you have no idea why. Because they never said a word. They just walked away.

That's what "hiding" is.

There are many reasons for hiding. Sometimes a person is indulging in a sin, something they know is wrong, and they know you don't approve of, so they want to avoid seeing you as much as possible. Almost as if as long as they don't see you, they can still feel good about themselves. I've had church members disappear and "hide" from me when they relapse in addiction or move in with a girlfriend or boyfriend or have marriage trouble. That's kind of like a cancer patient hiding from the doctor, but it happens.

Other times people "hide" because you've done something to upset them but they don't want to tell you, so they hide from you.

Other times people "hide" because they feel guilty about something going on in their lives and they just walk away from anyone who isn't as miserable as they are.

In the mind of the person "hiding" it all makes perfect sense. However, if you are a "hider" and you have done this/are doing this to your church or family, let me tell you what you are actually doing. Let me show you the other side.

As a pastor, I truly care about the people in my church. I believe so strongly in being together in worship. I believe so strongly in relationships and friendships within the body of Christ. I love the people of my church.

When you disappear, don't answer texts, don't call, give vague excuses of where you've been . . . . .  it hurts. Yes. I'm being vulnerable here. It hurts deeply. Why? Because I consider you to be a friend. I'm not just a CEO of a corporation you shop at. I'm your friend. Your brother in Christ. Someone who really likes you.

When you "hide" because of whatever is going on, it hurts. It's a statement of what I mean to you. It's a statement that I was wrong about our friendship and that I was wrong to think that you cared as much about me as I cared about you.

Hiding from each other is what destroys true relationships and friendships in the church.

What happens when I invest myself in someone and they turn around and hide, it makes me very wary of forming other friendships. I wonder if it's worth it to go visit hospitals to pray for people in my church. "Why do this?" I ask myself. "They'll just be gone in a few years, they'll just disappear, I'll never know why, they'll just go."

I wonder if it's worth forming any kind of friendships at all as a pastor. Many pastors told me, when I got into the ministry, not to get close with anyone in my church because of this very thing. One pastor told me that it just wasn't worth the constant heartbreak of meeting people, forming friendships, and them walking away like you meant nothing. I can see how he would feel that way.

Christians, don't hide from each other.

Christians, don't hide from your pastors.

Don't hide physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually, because hiding destroys friendships.

The Bible tells us to talk to one another as brothers and sisters. We aren't to walk away and leave another person wondering what is going on. We are to speak the truth in love to each other. We are to value the other person enough that we give them the respect of telling them actually what is going on.

Hiding is simply the most frustrating behavior I see in church members. It discourages friendships, it discourages the next attempt at friendship, and it hurts the other person. Hiding because you don't want to face the other person may make you feel okay in the short term, but it is hurting the other person who truly cares about you. They are wondering what they did wrong. And they are devastated to know that they care more about you than you care about them.

Of all the things that happen in a church, the one thing I wish would go away is hiding. It has caused me more heartache and pain and discouragement than anything else I've experienced in ministry.

Instead, let's treat each other as family. Let us love one another.

Here are some suggestions to consider:

1) If you are going to miss church on a Sunday, tell your pastor in advance. I love it when people inform me they will be out of town or they will be visiting someone else. I don't have to wonder if you are hiding.

2) If you haven't been to church in awhile and your pastor or someone from church sends you a message to ask where you've been, answer it. Be truthful.

3) If you find yourself wanting to hide from your church family because of a sin you are committing, choose your church family over your sin. It's either one or the other, right? Choose your church family, choose your faith, choose God. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth your soul. Your addiction isn't worth your soul. Plus, you might find that your pastor and church friends are the most kind, caring, forgiving, accepting people on the planet. You may find that they actually love you and care about you.

4) If you are leaving the church, sit down with your pastor and tell him. Don't just disappear like so many do. Sit down and give him the respect of communicating with him. It may be uncomfortable, but you're doing the right thing. I would much rather have someone tell me what's going on than them leaving me to guess where they are. Believe it or not, pastors really miss you when you aren't there, and if they don't know why you are missing, it's incredibly frustrating and discouraging.

5) Become someone your pastor and your church can count on. There are many flighty, inconsistent people in churches nowadays. The Bible refers to such people as a "splintered reed that pierces the hand of anyone who leans on it." They look like they are there to help, but the second you count on them, they pierce your heart. Don't be that way. Be someone that can be trusted, that is consistent in attendance and prayer and fellowship. Be someone that can be counted on. People who can be counted on don't hide from one another.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because no one talks about it. I hear lots of people complaining about church hypocrites. I hear lots of people complaining about judgmental people. I hear lots of people complaining about anger or hatred or gossip.

But I've never heard anyone address the issue of hiding from each other. It's subtle. It's evil. It's a church destroyer. I would suspect that your pastor would say this is the number one thing that drives him crazy as a pastor, yet it seems so subtle that he won't ever mention it. Well, I'm mentioning it. Maybe it's time that pastors and church members begin discussing the toxic issue of hiding and make a vow never to do it again.

The News Media Is Using Your Biological Makeup To Keep You Perpetually Outraged

Our nation is about to have a nervous breakdown.

Not because of real problems. We've always had problems. Since the beginning of time we've had problems. Within ten seconds of humanity's existence we've had the same problems. Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

We've always had corrupt politicians. We've always had violence. We've always had discord in politics. We've always had problems in our communities. There is nothing new under the sun.

Our nation is about to have a nervous breakdown because now, unlike other times in the past, we have a media machine whose sole purpose is to keep us whipped up into an emotional frenzy. News thrives on adrenalin and outrage. It thrives on conflict and insults and overreaction. It's the only way it can survive.

We have a structure in our brains known as the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It is the gatekeeper to everything that gets our attention. All day long our senses are bombarded with stimuli. Our senses are incredibly keen and they pick up everything. If every stimuli of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell made it into our brains, we would shut down in a sobbing heap. Our brains can't handle it. Therefore, the RAS acts as a gatekeeper to keep most stimuli out. The things that the RAS allows into our brains are things that are 1) scary, 2) new, and 3) interesting.

Anything that doesn't match the RAS criteria doesn't make it into our conscience. As I am typing this, I am sitting in a chair. I haven't noticed the feel of the chair nor of my shoes nor of the feel of my jeans on my legs, even though technically I am "feeling" them. Why? Because my RAS has determined that those stimuli are not important and therefore don't need my attention. Same with a million other stimuli that happen every second.

Thus ends the biology lesson. Why am I talking about the RAS?

Because the news media knows about your RAS. They realize that there is a brutal, no-holds-barred, uncompromising gatekeeper/bouncer standing at the entrance of your brain that will weed out 98% of the stuff thrown at it. Because the news media NEEDS your attention, it has to get past your RAS.

Therefore, it taps into the first criteria the RAS looks for- it sends news stories your way that are SCARY.

If you notice, practically every news story that is thrown your way deals with the destruction of something that you hold dear. Whether it is a value you hold, an institution you value, a belief you have, or something else integral to your being, news stories are tailored to be threatening to the things you hold dear. Christians hear news stories of atheists trying to remove crosses and monuments of the ten commandments. Black Americans hear stories of white supremacists. Democrats hear stories of Republicans working to destroy their political agenda. Republicans hear stories of Democrats doing the same thing. 

These stories are designed not to inform you or make your life better but simply to make it past your RAS into your conscience so it will get your attention. They don't particularly care what effect these stories have on the world, on our communities, on our relationships, or on us. They simply want to get into your conscience, so they will say whatever it takes to get past the RAS gatekeeper.

The news media NEEDS you to be perpetually outraged. It needs you to be perpetually scared. That's the only way it can exist. Normal stories of goodwill, normal stories of everyday life, normal stories of non-threatening news get stopped at the door of your conscience. No one would pay attention to those stories. Your biology won't allow you to notice them. 

We must realize that the news media knows our biology better than we do. We don't realize we are being played for suckers by people who simply want their stories to lodge themselves in our brains. We aren't smart enough to realize that what we are reading and hearing isn't news because of some great happening or event; it is "news" because it is scary, new, or interesting. 

So instead of giving us thought-provoking, wisdom-generating, beneficial stories, the news media gives us emotional one-sided threatening over-the-top overreaction sensationalism designed to keep you in a perpetual state of outrage, opening your RAS to everything it has to say.

Realize that this is what is going on. Realize the biological manipulation being played on you, people. The media understands your biology better than you do. They pay consultants that are experts on psychology millions of dollars to understand what will get your attention and what won't. The purpose of the news media is no longer to inform. It's purpose is to upset. 

The news media also understands another thing about psychology and the human being.

Human beings are probably the most adaptable creatures on the planet. We can adapt to any environment, any place, any time. We can also adapt to stimuli. What used to threaten us simply becomes normal. What used to excite us becomes routine. What used to anger us becomes okay.

Because of this, what used to get past the RAS no longer does. So, the news media has to constantly find new outrages, new threats, and new hysteria to throw our way. What used to outrage people twenty years ago doesn't outrage us, so they have to give us new, stronger, and more dangerous stories to keep getting past our RAS into our conscience. 

If this keeps up, our nation will have a nervous breakdown. We may be there already. We simply cannot live in a perpetual state of emotional frenzy. We weren't designed to. Something has to give. I'm calling the American people to wake up and realize what the news media is doing. Quit reacting. Quit thinking that the world is coming to an end. Quit thinking that somehow what is happening now is different than what has happened before. It's not. 

The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun. That's very true. So stop acting like what we are dealing with is unprecedented. Chill out. Stop the emotional hysteria. Stop the name calling and the insulting and the fear and the paranoia. You're being played for fools by a media that understands your biology more than you do. 

Instead let the peace of God rule in your heart. 

Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 3:15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Let the peace of God rule in your heart. He's got this. Stop with the perpetual outrage. Stop with the emotional overreactions. Stop letting the media keep you in a perpetual stew. Let the peace of God rule in your heart.

When God Says "No" to Something He Could Easily Have Said "Yes" To

I well remember the morning of September 15th, 2004. It was the day that I heard the words, "His heart is dead. He's not coming back."

Except it wasn't about a seventy-year old man or something like that. The doctor was talking about my ten-day-old son. His open-heart surgery had been a failure. The bypass machine was the only thing keeping him alive.

My son, Jacob Benjamin Kibler, had HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) which meant that his left ventricle didn't develop en utero. The corrective surgery failed, meaning that a heart transplant was our only option. The likelihood of finding an infant's heart was very minuscule.

I looked at this little infant, my third child, which I could barely see under the mass of wires and tubes and monitors, and my wife and I both shook our heads. We weren't going to try to put him through a heart transplant. He'd been through enough in his short ten days. It was time to let him go.

We knew that Jacob had HLHS since his 20-week ultrasound. We knew his chances of survival weren't good. We spent the entire rest of the pregnancy praying that God would heal him. He didn't.

We went through all of the things the Bible said to do. We prayed as a church. We prayed as individuals. We asked God to spare his life. Jesus said, "Where two or three agree in prayer, it will be done." He also said, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell this mountain, "Cast yourself into the sea," and it will be done." If God could cast a mountain into the sea, He could heal an infant, couldn't He?

God didn't. Jacob was born on 9/5/04 and died 9/15/04.

We asked God to heal Jacob. God said no.

It was perfectly within His power to heal him. So why didn't He?

Answer: I don't know.

I will never fully understand God. I've come to that conclusion after many, many years of study and reflection and pondering and wrestling. There will just be some things about God that I will never understand. I don't understand why God allowed Jacob to die. I don't know why God allows a lot of the stuff that goes on in this world. However, I've come to peace with that. I no longer have a PROBLEM with that.

One of the reasons why is that God hasn't broken any promises. He never promised to heal Jacob, He never promised to keep everything going well down here on earth. In fact, His word specifically says that "In this world, you will have trouble." Many people act like God is breaking a promise when bad things happen. He's not. He told us we will have trouble. But the second part of that statement is, "But take heart, I have overcome the world."

What sticks out in my mind, however, is the ride home from the hospital. I remember it like it was yesterday, and this is what I wanted to share with you all today.

We had just made the painful decision to remove my son from life support. I was holding him, then placed him on the table where the tech turned the machine off. My wife and I, through tears, walked to our car and drove home.

We had about a twenty-minute ride back to our home from Vanderbilt hospital. All of a sudden, it hit me. After experiencing something like that:
       
          -Did it matter what kind of car I was driving?
          -Did it matter the size of house I was going back to?
          -Did it matter how much money was in my bank account?
          -Did it matter if I had six-pack abs?
          -Did it matter how successful professionally I had been?

None of those things, so important it seemed just a little while ago, were of any comfort or importance at all. In fact, it was like sitting in a room full of $100 bills and realizing they were Monopoly money. Everything you thought was valuable turned out to be worthless pieces of paper. Monopoly money. That's all it is. Everything in the world, everything shouting for your attention, anything this world has- it's Monopoly money. It looks real, but when the test comes, when life comes crashing down, like it does when you as a parent outlive your child, it all falls apart. Monopoly money. That's all it is.

All of the things that this world constantly screamed to me, "THIS IS IMPORTANT!" were shown in one instant for the bullcrap that they were. None of it mattered. Advertisers spend billions per year to convince us of the importance of hairstyle, clothing style, etc. And we buy it. We form our entire lives around them.

When God said, "No" He pulled back the curtain. He destroyed the delusion that I had fallen into like so many Americans have today. He showed me in one instant the stupidity and uselessness and falsehood I and so many had fallen for.

Because in that instant, when you have held your baby son in your arms and watched him die, there was only one thing that was real: the resurrection of Jesus.

That was the only comfort, the only thing that could possibly make sense of this senseless thing. The reality of Jesus' final action on earth was the answer to my son's death. It was the answer to all suffering we will face in this world. It was the only thing, the ONLY THING, that was even real.

My car meant nothing. My fitness meant nothing. My house meant nothing. My bank account meant nothing. All the things that I thought were so very important five hours ago were shown for the shallowness that they were. The resurrection of Jesus and His command to "love one another" were the only things that made sense- they were the only things that were real.

When God says "No" to something He could have perfectly well said "Yes" to, He shows us what is real and what isn't. I vowed to spend the rest of my life telling that truth to as many people as I could. God also showed me the brevity of life. I have been inspired to stop playing it safe- to not fear losing things I will lose anyway. Go for it. It's all Monopoly money anyway. My son only had ten days- we aren't guaranteed anything in this life.

I pray that this is helpful to you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the things that scream at you from your tv set are important. They aren't. Some of us learn that the easy way. Some of us learn that the hard way. However you learn it, I will tell you this- when life falls apart and everything you thought was important is shown for the bunk that it is, you can rest in the assurance of the resurrection of Jesus.

That's one thing I know for sure. In fact, that's about the ONLY thing I know for sure.

Christian Sexual Ethic Has Never Failed Any Society That Has Adopted It

Throughout history, we've seen many civilizations come and go.

We've seen the empires of Rome, Byzantia, Persia, Assyria, Babylonia, and the Ottomans. We've seen third-world banana republics and military dictatorships and thriving republics. We've seen them rise and fall, come and go, appear and disappear.

Most civilizations aren't destroyed through invasion. Some are, to be sure. Most aren't. Most societies that fall do so because they rot from within. By the time a conquering army arrives, there is very little left to conquer- kind of like a lumberjack arriving in a forest full of rotted trees that takes a few swings of the axe to topple.

One of the most notable features of societies that fall has been rampant sexuality.

If you look at the last days of the nation of Israel, for example, temple prostitution, adultery, and homosexuality were extremely common. The prophets who warned Israel repeatedly about God's coming judgment talked of these repeatedly. No one listened.

The same is true of the Roman Empire. Before the Goths and the Visigoths and the Vandals raided from the north, Rome committed cultural suicide by adopting hedonism as a national pastime. Orgies, adultery, free sex, and homosexuality were hallmarks of the culture before it fell.

Why is rampant sexuality so prevalent in the last days of a society, empire, or culture?

Simple.

The family unit is the glue that holds a society together. When sex is commonly expressed outside of marriage, society breaks down. This isn't front-page news. We all know that the breakdown of the family is a major cause of most of societal problems. Divorce, single parenthood, children growing up without fathers, etc is highly correlated with poverty, crime, being a victim of crime, and dropping out of school.

In contrast, the Christian sexual ethic of "celibacy in singleness, fidelity in marriage" preps a society for optimal performance. No society that has adopted and practiced this ethic has ever suffered because of it.

If a society has the overwhelming vast majority of children growing up in married-for-life two-parent households; if out-of-wedlock births hover between 5-10% (we will never have 0%, just won't happen), if entire neighborhoods have fathers in homes disciplining their children before the police have to- the society will be strong. Christian sexual ethic leads to strong families and therefore a strong society.

Just as the cell is the fundamental unit of the human body, so is the family to the society. A tiny virus, smaller than the head of a pin, can kill an entire human by taking out the body at the cellular level. In the same way, an entire society can be taken out at the "cellular level" by the breakdown of the family.

When sex is reserved for marriage, marriage becomes more attractive. If men and women have the personal belief that sex should only be expressed in marriage, marriage rates increase. If sex is completely fine outside of marriage, marriage rates decrease and the instability of the society ensues.

Right now in America the concept of Christian sexual ethic has almost completely disappeared. As a pastor, I am astounded when a couple asks me to marry them and they are NOT living together. Even Christian teenagers seem to have lost the moral of "sex in marriage only." It is a very rare person that loses his or her virginity on the wedding night.

As the Christian sexual ethic disappears from America, we see more and more problems associated with the breakdown of the family. We are seeing riots almost weekly- mostly by young men. I would imagine that their fathers are nowhere to be found. I know that in the neighborhood I grew up in, where fathers were in every home, the fathers would have put a stop to that quickly. Without fathers, children who run wild turn into young men who run wild.

We are seeing an epidemic of drug use right now. Without a strong family unit to connect with, men and women are turning to heroin in record numbers. Research has shown that addiction is driven by isolation. One cannot become a full-blown addict until he or she is completely isolated from human connection. The current heroin epidemic is a direct result of the breakdown of the family. Connection is the only cure for addiction. Human connection. The family is the only cure for drug addiction.

We are beginning to see that there really are two Americas. One group is doing very well. One is having a rough time. The determining factors of which America you belong are not skin color, ethnicity, or creed. The factors are these"

           1) Finishing high school/college
           2) Waiting until marriage to have children
           3) Getting a job and keeping that job

That's it. The people who do those three things are doing fairly well in this country. Finishing school is key. Waiting until marriage to have children is a no-brainer- of course we know single parenthood is tough and leads to all kinds of stress (raising children with two-parents is hard enough; single parenthood is even tougher). Getting a job and keeping that job ensures a steady income, as raises and promotions are the norm, not the exception.

The folks who don't do these things- don't finish school, have children before marriage, and move from job to job are having a tough time in this country. Christian sexual ethic primes a person to accomplish all three of these things, therefore ensuring a good life for the person practicing it.

It is time, Christians and non-Christians, to admit that our problems in this country are largely the result of our defiance of Christian sexual ethics. Every society that has adopted Christian sexual ethics has thrived. Every society that has rejected it has rotted from within and fallen. America is no different. If we do not move back to "celibacy in singleness, fidelity in marriage" as the cultural norm, we are finished as a country and as a society.

Some parts of society are already there. You can see the preview of coming attractions in the inner cities where out-of-wedlock birthrates are near 75%. Poverty rates are sky-high, crime is high, incarceration rates are high. As the rest of the country adopts the sexual ethic of the inner city, the poverty rates, incarceration rates, and crime will follow. Soon, there won't be an "inner-city." It will just be the norm in our country.

Christian sexual ethic has never failed any society that has adopted it. It leads to stable two-parent households, present fathers, decreased poverty, decreased crime rates, decreased depression/suicide. It leads to increased performance in school, increased graduation rates, increased wealth, increased sense of community, and increased blessing as the society is strengthened at the cellular level.

I hope we can turn back before it is too late. It is time for churches and Christians to begin talking about the benefits to society that Christian sexual ethics brings.

Grace and Traffic Tickets

I was a just-married seminary student in Wilmore, KY. I had just left class and was driving home in my white 1993 stick-shift Ford Ranger truck when I came to a stop sign. I tapped the brakes, slowed down to about five mph, and (as is usually the case in small-town Wilmore) seeing no one else on the road, I turned right.

Blue lights in the rear-view mirror. I pulled over.

The cop came up and got my license and registration. He went back to his cruiser, and he didn't seem to be in much of a hurry. Wilmore.

During the long wait time, I had time to think about it. I was a full-time student, just graduated from college, and my wife was a nurse. We weren't exactly one-percenters. We lived in a cheap duplex in a dingy neighborhood, and by all accounts to pay this ticket would mean that we would be eating fish sticks and hot dogs for the next month with Ramen noodles for dessert.

The cop finally came back to my window, handed me my license and registration. He noticed my books and asked, "Are you at the seminary?"

I said, "Yes sir."

He said, "I am too." Hopefully he was quicker turning in his papers and assignments than he was running license plates. "I'm going to show you something called grace," he said. With that, he handed me a warning. No ticket. Just a warning.

Now, anyone but a seminary student (or minister) would be overjoyed at that and wouldn't think twice about it. However, I had a problem with what he said.

What he showed me wasn't grace. At least, it wasn't what God tells us grace is.

In order for that situation to be true Biblical grace, the cop would have had to look at me and say, "Mr Kibler, you disregarded a stop sign. That will be a $75 fine and three points on your license."

I would say, "I don't have $75 and I'm already over my limit on points on my license."

He would say, "Yes, I know that. You can't pay it. So, I found another driver who has never had a ticket, who has never had any points put on his license, and he voluntarily of his own free will paid the fine and took the points on his own license. His bank account will be deducted, his insurance will go up, and the points will be on HIS license for three years."

I would say, "That's insane! Who would do that for me?"

And the cop would look at me and say, "Me."

Simply letting an offender go isn't grace. The law isn't satisfied. A debt has been incurred, and simply letting an offender go won't settle it. Grace is when the very person who has the right to punish chooses not to, and instead take the punishment on himself, satisfying the law and letting the offender go free.

That's true grace. That's the kind of grace Jesus demonstrated when He went to the cross and died for the sins of the world. He took our debts upon Himself, paid them in full, and set us free from the consequences of them. We, in turn, are called to surrender all things under His Lordship.

So the cop was wrong that day. He didn't show me grace. He showed me kindness, but that's a lot different than actual grace.

When we realize all that Christ has done for us, how can we do anything but give our lives to Him in gratitude? True grace cost Jesus everything He had, and that which was expensive for Him cannot be cheap for us.

Do the ordinary extraordinarily well

When I was nineteen years old, I had the amazing opportunity to play on the Bluegrass Bandits soccer team, which was the first step in the plan to build the then-nonexistent MLS (Major League Soccer). They started with regional semipro teams like the Bandits and then built the MLS teams out of those.

Needless to say, it was a high level of competition. I had never played against players like I did in that league. On our team alone we had players from national teams of other countries, lower-level professional players from England, Division One college players, and so on. Based in the smaller city of Lexington, KY (population 300,000) we played teams from much larger cities with a much larger talent pool and much more money- New Orleans, Little Rock, Birmingham, Charlotte, etc.

We were outclassed by most teams. The other teams were deeper, had more big-name talent, and probably had higher-level coaching than we did. Looking at our lineup, we were prepared to lose well over half our games and finish near the bottom of the league.

We won the Regional Championship and finished first in the Mid-South Division.

Looking back on that year, our coach did one thing that brought us to victory. He emphasized fundamentals.

We weren't flashy. We weren't spectacular. We weren't anything great to watch. We had no standout players.

However, we did the ordinary things extraordinarily well.

We did the simple things right. We passed with accuracy. We played good fundamental defense. We rarely committed turnovers. We played as a team. We hit accurate shots on goal.

And it brought about victory night after night after night over vastly superior teams with vastly superior players.

I learned a lesson that year. If you take care of the fundamentals, the rest will take care of itself.

Today I was teaching in my Inside Out Dad class in the Fayette County Detention Center. We were talking about forming character in our children and what we were hoping to pass down to our children as fathers. I told the men that their children could learn any job skill. They could learn any trade. They could learn any job.

But none of that mattered if they didn't have the fundamentals.

I believe the fundamentals are respect, manners, and dedication. I don't care how smart or capable a person is, if they are disrespectful, rude, and flighty/unreliable they are worthless. They are worthless to an employer, worthless in marriage, and worthless as a father.

Parents, a lot of us emphasize developing skills within our kids. We place them in sports. We place them in activities. We take them to baseball tournaments and soccer tournaments and academic team competitions and all other kinds of things to develop their skills and abilities.

But do we spend that amount of time teaching the fundamentals of respect, manners, and dedication?

Unfortunately, the answer is probably "no" for a lot of us.

I'm amazed at the lack of respect and lack of manners that exists in American children today. How rare it is to hear a child say, "Yes sir" and "No ma'am." How rare it is to hear "Please," "thank you," and "You're welcome" from a little person.

How common it is to hear young people backtalk their elders, curse like sailors, call adults by their first names (don't EVEN get me started on THAT one, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR), and use "Yeah" instead of "Yes sir." The kid may be smart. The kid may be a good worker. The kid may have a lot of skills. But who really cares?

I'll take the respectful mannerly kid any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Why?

Because a person who respects others and uses good manners will be able to open doors and connect with people far better than someone who doesn't. An employee who is mannerly and respectful to customers will bring in far more business than a capable but rude one. A man who is respectful to his wife (and vice versa) will have a far happier marriage than one where disrespect and rudeness dominate the relationship.

It's the fundamentals that count, parents. Take care of the fundamentals and the rest of your child's life will work itself out.


Fundamentals:

• Teach your children to do unto others as they would have others do unto them. If they do that, they will have no problems in life.

• Teach your children to always be on the lookout for a chance to use their manners. Insist on "Please," "Thank you," "You're Welcome," especially with people older than them.

• NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER let your child call an adult by his or her first name, even if the adult says it's okay. Have your children refer to ALL adults as "Mr" or "Mrs" or "Coach" or whatever the appropriate title is. Adults, do NOT tell children it is okay to call you by your first name, because it isn't. It is necessary for the child to know that adults are NOT on the same level as they are. It is good for the child to recognize and be respectful of their elders.

• Teach your children to do the fundamental things well. Be on time. Do what you say you're going to do. Smile. Treat others like you want to be treated.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on making good grades instead of being a good person. Maybe we put too much emphasis on future job training instead of future character training. Maybe we put too much emphasis on how much money our children will one day make instead of what kind of people our children will be.

Maybe we need to give attention to the things that don't bring awards but instead bring a good reputation.

If your child has good fundamentals, life will go pretty well for them. They will have little trouble navigating this life, because their fundamentals are good. A child without good fundamentals is like an athlete that can't dribble or catch. If you don't have the fundamentals, it doesn't matter what other abilities you have.

If you DO have the fundamentals, you'll do well. Very well, in fact. Set your kids up for success by teaching them the fundamentals listed above.

Victory, in sports AND in life, is achieved by doing the ordinary things extraordinarily well.