There are lots of toxic behaviors out there today. Gossip, drama, revenge, backstabbing, badmouthing, etc have been part of humanity since the beginning. All of those are bad, and I'm sure you can name many others.
However, I want to address one thing that rarely gets talked about, yet is the cause of the biggest frustration for me, one of the biggest discouragers for me, and one that I think needs to disappear if the Church is ever going to be healthy.
Are you ready? Here is is.
It's something I call "hiding."
Hiding looks like this: a person or family comes to your church. They return. You get to know them. You see them around town. You have them over for dinner. They have you over for dinner. You spend time together, praying together, studying the Bible together, your families get to know each other. You become friends.
Then, all of a sudden, they disappear. No phone call. No text.
You send them a message, saying, "Hey, we missed you!" No response.
They are there the next Sunday, but they are gone the next several.
You ask where they've been. You get a vague, "We were busy."
They miss next Sunday. You send a text. No response.
You call. They don't answer.
You may see them again, but most of the time you don't. And you have no idea why. Because they never said a word. They just walked away.
That's what "hiding" is.
There are many reasons for hiding. Sometimes a person is indulging in a sin, something they know is wrong, and they know you don't approve of, so they want to avoid seeing you as much as possible. Almost as if as long as they don't see you, they can still feel good about themselves. I've had church members disappear and "hide" from me when they relapse in addiction or move in with a girlfriend or boyfriend or have marriage trouble. That's kind of like a cancer patient hiding from the doctor, but it happens.
Other times people "hide" because you've done something to upset them but they don't want to tell you, so they hide from you.
Other times people "hide" because they feel guilty about something going on in their lives and they just walk away from anyone who isn't as miserable as they are.
In the mind of the person "hiding" it all makes perfect sense. However, if you are a "hider" and you have done this/are doing this to your church or family, let me tell you what you are actually doing. Let me show you the other side.
As a pastor, I truly care about the people in my church. I believe so strongly in being together in worship. I believe so strongly in relationships and friendships within the body of Christ. I love the people of my church.
When you disappear, don't answer texts, don't call, give vague excuses of where you've been . . . . . it hurts. Yes. I'm being vulnerable here. It hurts deeply. Why? Because I consider you to be a friend. I'm not just a CEO of a corporation you shop at. I'm your friend. Your brother in Christ. Someone who really likes you.
When you "hide" because of whatever is going on, it hurts. It's a statement of what I mean to you. It's a statement that I was wrong about our friendship and that I was wrong to think that you cared as much about me as I cared about you.
Hiding from each other is what destroys true relationships and friendships in the church.
What happens when I invest myself in someone and they turn around and hide, it makes me very wary of forming other friendships. I wonder if it's worth it to go visit hospitals to pray for people in my church. "Why do this?" I ask myself. "They'll just be gone in a few years, they'll just disappear, I'll never know why, they'll just go."
I wonder if it's worth forming any kind of friendships at all as a pastor. Many pastors told me, when I got into the ministry, not to get close with anyone in my church because of this very thing. One pastor told me that it just wasn't worth the constant heartbreak of meeting people, forming friendships, and them walking away like you meant nothing. I can see how he would feel that way.
Christians, don't hide from each other.
Christians, don't hide from your pastors.
Don't hide physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually, because hiding destroys friendships.
The Bible tells us to talk to one another as brothers and sisters. We aren't to walk away and leave another person wondering what is going on. We are to speak the truth in love to each other. We are to value the other person enough that we give them the respect of telling them actually what is going on.
Hiding is simply the most frustrating behavior I see in church members. It discourages friendships, it discourages the next attempt at friendship, and it hurts the other person. Hiding because you don't want to face the other person may make you feel okay in the short term, but it is hurting the other person who truly cares about you. They are wondering what they did wrong. And they are devastated to know that they care more about you than you care about them.
Of all the things that happen in a church, the one thing I wish would go away is hiding. It has caused me more heartache and pain and discouragement than anything else I've experienced in ministry.
Instead, let's treat each other as family. Let us love one another.
Here are some suggestions to consider:
1) If you are going to miss church on a Sunday, tell your pastor in advance. I love it when people inform me they will be out of town or they will be visiting someone else. I don't have to wonder if you are hiding.
2) If you haven't been to church in awhile and your pastor or someone from church sends you a message to ask where you've been, answer it. Be truthful.
3) If you find yourself wanting to hide from your church family because of a sin you are committing, choose your church family over your sin. It's either one or the other, right? Choose your church family, choose your faith, choose God. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth your soul. Your addiction isn't worth your soul. Plus, you might find that your pastor and church friends are the most kind, caring, forgiving, accepting people on the planet. You may find that they actually love you and care about you.
4) If you are leaving the church, sit down with your pastor and tell him. Don't just disappear like so many do. Sit down and give him the respect of communicating with him. It may be uncomfortable, but you're doing the right thing. I would much rather have someone tell me what's going on than them leaving me to guess where they are. Believe it or not, pastors really miss you when you aren't there, and if they don't know why you are missing, it's incredibly frustrating and discouraging.
5) Become someone your pastor and your church can count on. There are many flighty, inconsistent people in churches nowadays. The Bible refers to such people as a "splintered reed that pierces the hand of anyone who leans on it." They look like they are there to help, but the second you count on them, they pierce your heart. Don't be that way. Be someone that can be trusted, that is consistent in attendance and prayer and fellowship. Be someone that can be counted on. People who can be counted on don't hide from one another.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because no one talks about it. I hear lots of people complaining about church hypocrites. I hear lots of people complaining about judgmental people. I hear lots of people complaining about anger or hatred or gossip.
But I've never heard anyone address the issue of hiding from each other. It's subtle. It's evil. It's a church destroyer. I would suspect that your pastor would say this is the number one thing that drives him crazy as a pastor, yet it seems so subtle that he won't ever mention it. Well, I'm mentioning it. Maybe it's time that pastors and church members begin discussing the toxic issue of hiding and make a vow never to do it again.
However, I want to address one thing that rarely gets talked about, yet is the cause of the biggest frustration for me, one of the biggest discouragers for me, and one that I think needs to disappear if the Church is ever going to be healthy.
Are you ready? Here is is.
It's something I call "hiding."
Hiding looks like this: a person or family comes to your church. They return. You get to know them. You see them around town. You have them over for dinner. They have you over for dinner. You spend time together, praying together, studying the Bible together, your families get to know each other. You become friends.
Then, all of a sudden, they disappear. No phone call. No text.
You send them a message, saying, "Hey, we missed you!" No response.
They are there the next Sunday, but they are gone the next several.
You ask where they've been. You get a vague, "We were busy."
They miss next Sunday. You send a text. No response.
You call. They don't answer.
You may see them again, but most of the time you don't. And you have no idea why. Because they never said a word. They just walked away.
That's what "hiding" is.
There are many reasons for hiding. Sometimes a person is indulging in a sin, something they know is wrong, and they know you don't approve of, so they want to avoid seeing you as much as possible. Almost as if as long as they don't see you, they can still feel good about themselves. I've had church members disappear and "hide" from me when they relapse in addiction or move in with a girlfriend or boyfriend or have marriage trouble. That's kind of like a cancer patient hiding from the doctor, but it happens.
Other times people "hide" because you've done something to upset them but they don't want to tell you, so they hide from you.
Other times people "hide" because they feel guilty about something going on in their lives and they just walk away from anyone who isn't as miserable as they are.
In the mind of the person "hiding" it all makes perfect sense. However, if you are a "hider" and you have done this/are doing this to your church or family, let me tell you what you are actually doing. Let me show you the other side.
As a pastor, I truly care about the people in my church. I believe so strongly in being together in worship. I believe so strongly in relationships and friendships within the body of Christ. I love the people of my church.
When you disappear, don't answer texts, don't call, give vague excuses of where you've been . . . . . it hurts. Yes. I'm being vulnerable here. It hurts deeply. Why? Because I consider you to be a friend. I'm not just a CEO of a corporation you shop at. I'm your friend. Your brother in Christ. Someone who really likes you.
When you "hide" because of whatever is going on, it hurts. It's a statement of what I mean to you. It's a statement that I was wrong about our friendship and that I was wrong to think that you cared as much about me as I cared about you.
Hiding from each other is what destroys true relationships and friendships in the church.
What happens when I invest myself in someone and they turn around and hide, it makes me very wary of forming other friendships. I wonder if it's worth it to go visit hospitals to pray for people in my church. "Why do this?" I ask myself. "They'll just be gone in a few years, they'll just disappear, I'll never know why, they'll just go."
I wonder if it's worth forming any kind of friendships at all as a pastor. Many pastors told me, when I got into the ministry, not to get close with anyone in my church because of this very thing. One pastor told me that it just wasn't worth the constant heartbreak of meeting people, forming friendships, and them walking away like you meant nothing. I can see how he would feel that way.
Christians, don't hide from each other.
Christians, don't hide from your pastors.
Don't hide physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually, because hiding destroys friendships.
The Bible tells us to talk to one another as brothers and sisters. We aren't to walk away and leave another person wondering what is going on. We are to speak the truth in love to each other. We are to value the other person enough that we give them the respect of telling them actually what is going on.
Hiding is simply the most frustrating behavior I see in church members. It discourages friendships, it discourages the next attempt at friendship, and it hurts the other person. Hiding because you don't want to face the other person may make you feel okay in the short term, but it is hurting the other person who truly cares about you. They are wondering what they did wrong. And they are devastated to know that they care more about you than you care about them.
Of all the things that happen in a church, the one thing I wish would go away is hiding. It has caused me more heartache and pain and discouragement than anything else I've experienced in ministry.
Instead, let's treat each other as family. Let us love one another.
Here are some suggestions to consider:
1) If you are going to miss church on a Sunday, tell your pastor in advance. I love it when people inform me they will be out of town or they will be visiting someone else. I don't have to wonder if you are hiding.
2) If you haven't been to church in awhile and your pastor or someone from church sends you a message to ask where you've been, answer it. Be truthful.
3) If you find yourself wanting to hide from your church family because of a sin you are committing, choose your church family over your sin. It's either one or the other, right? Choose your church family, choose your faith, choose God. Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth your soul. Your addiction isn't worth your soul. Plus, you might find that your pastor and church friends are the most kind, caring, forgiving, accepting people on the planet. You may find that they actually love you and care about you.
4) If you are leaving the church, sit down with your pastor and tell him. Don't just disappear like so many do. Sit down and give him the respect of communicating with him. It may be uncomfortable, but you're doing the right thing. I would much rather have someone tell me what's going on than them leaving me to guess where they are. Believe it or not, pastors really miss you when you aren't there, and if they don't know why you are missing, it's incredibly frustrating and discouraging.
5) Become someone your pastor and your church can count on. There are many flighty, inconsistent people in churches nowadays. The Bible refers to such people as a "splintered reed that pierces the hand of anyone who leans on it." They look like they are there to help, but the second you count on them, they pierce your heart. Don't be that way. Be someone that can be trusted, that is consistent in attendance and prayer and fellowship. Be someone that can be counted on. People who can be counted on don't hide from one another.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because no one talks about it. I hear lots of people complaining about church hypocrites. I hear lots of people complaining about judgmental people. I hear lots of people complaining about anger or hatred or gossip.
But I've never heard anyone address the issue of hiding from each other. It's subtle. It's evil. It's a church destroyer. I would suspect that your pastor would say this is the number one thing that drives him crazy as a pastor, yet it seems so subtle that he won't ever mention it. Well, I'm mentioning it. Maybe it's time that pastors and church members begin discussing the toxic issue of hiding and make a vow never to do it again.
No comments:
Post a Comment