When Rachel and I got married, we decided that there were three phrases that we would treat like a fruitcake at Christmastime or a mad skunk that wandered into our kitchen. We would wage war against them, kick them out, guard against them, and never utter them as long as we live.
These three phrases signify death to any relationship, especially one between man and woman. They are toxic, life-threatening, and if used repeatedly, will guarantee death of anything trying to grow into a happy marital bond. If you ban these three phrases from your life, and especially from your home, you will be much, much happier.
The phrases?
1) "You always . . . . " As in, "You always forget to take out the trash, or "You always interrupt me," or "You always ignore me." The reason this phrase is so toxic is that it is simply a lie. No one ALWAYS does anything. It also takes the focus off of what is being discussed in the now and brings up things that have happened in the past. It is a phrase designed to hurt, not help, the situation. If you are in the habit of starting off sentence with "You always . . . " you are most likely causing the relationship to go downhill quickly.
2) "You never . . . . " The exact opposite of the first phrase is this second phrase, and it is equally toxic and untrue. Phrases like, "You never listen to me," or "You never care what I have to say," are rarely, if ever, found in a happy home. Again, it takes the focus off the present and brings up the past- something that always causes the situation to deteriorate.
3) "This is just like the time when . . . . " Again, anything following this phrase is a lie. No situation is ever exactly the same, and once again, this is a phrase that is designed to hurt the other by bringing up the past instead of focusing on the present.
People who constantly use these phrases are people who want to WIN an argument, not RESOLVE it. The best marriages are ones where no one seeks to win. In marriage, or in any relationship, winning always means losing. If you win an argument, you have lost the heart of your spouse. Instead, healthy couples strive to resolve, not win. Quality spouses never want to one-up their significant other. They take no pleasure in winning. They take pleasure in resolving issues and loving their spouse in the process. Only immature people press for the "win" in a relationship- they only care about themselves and being right. Mature people think about the relationship first; immature people think about themselves first, and will use phrases that will allow them to win by hurting the other person or beating them into submission.
I suggest that you write all three of the phrases listed above down on a piece of paper and post it on the refrigerator door. Circle them and put a line through them, indicating that these phrases will no longer be allowed in the home. For some of you, this will cause you to make major shifts in how you talk to people. Fantastic. Now you'll stop destroying every relationship you've ever been in.
Instead, start practicing James 1:19- "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Try it and see. You'll be amazed at what God will do in your home.
These three phrases signify death to any relationship, especially one between man and woman. They are toxic, life-threatening, and if used repeatedly, will guarantee death of anything trying to grow into a happy marital bond. If you ban these three phrases from your life, and especially from your home, you will be much, much happier.
The phrases?
1) "You always . . . . " As in, "You always forget to take out the trash, or "You always interrupt me," or "You always ignore me." The reason this phrase is so toxic is that it is simply a lie. No one ALWAYS does anything. It also takes the focus off of what is being discussed in the now and brings up things that have happened in the past. It is a phrase designed to hurt, not help, the situation. If you are in the habit of starting off sentence with "You always . . . " you are most likely causing the relationship to go downhill quickly.
2) "You never . . . . " The exact opposite of the first phrase is this second phrase, and it is equally toxic and untrue. Phrases like, "You never listen to me," or "You never care what I have to say," are rarely, if ever, found in a happy home. Again, it takes the focus off the present and brings up the past- something that always causes the situation to deteriorate.
3) "This is just like the time when . . . . " Again, anything following this phrase is a lie. No situation is ever exactly the same, and once again, this is a phrase that is designed to hurt the other by bringing up the past instead of focusing on the present.
People who constantly use these phrases are people who want to WIN an argument, not RESOLVE it. The best marriages are ones where no one seeks to win. In marriage, or in any relationship, winning always means losing. If you win an argument, you have lost the heart of your spouse. Instead, healthy couples strive to resolve, not win. Quality spouses never want to one-up their significant other. They take no pleasure in winning. They take pleasure in resolving issues and loving their spouse in the process. Only immature people press for the "win" in a relationship- they only care about themselves and being right. Mature people think about the relationship first; immature people think about themselves first, and will use phrases that will allow them to win by hurting the other person or beating them into submission.
I suggest that you write all three of the phrases listed above down on a piece of paper and post it on the refrigerator door. Circle them and put a line through them, indicating that these phrases will no longer be allowed in the home. For some of you, this will cause you to make major shifts in how you talk to people. Fantastic. Now you'll stop destroying every relationship you've ever been in.
Instead, start practicing James 1:19- "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Try it and see. You'll be amazed at what God will do in your home.
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