The Ten o' Clock Rule for Marriage

One common experience that I hear from married couples is late-night arguing. It goes something like this:

At night, after the kids go to bed, husband and wife are tired. When couples are tired, things that aren't really a big deal BECOME a big deal: clothes on the floor, a chore that was forgotten, what little Billy did at school today, etc. Either husband or wife mentions this, and a discussion begins. The discussion becomes an argument. That argument goes on and on and on into the night, and by 2 am you aren't even talking about what started the argument- you're just mad.

True? It happens to just about every married couple I know.

Why does this happen?

Simple. Things become worse when you are 1) tired and 2) hungry. Late at night is the WORST time to discuss or solve anything.

That's why I propose a new rule in all households- the beautiful 10:00 rule.

The 10:00 rule simply says this- unless the house is on fire or someone is being murdered downstairs in the family room, it doesn't need to be dealt with tonight. After 10:00 pm, the only things that happen in this house are sleep and sex.

Most things that are "important" and "urgent" at 10:00 pm can be solved the next day, after a good night's sleep and breakfast. I've found that most of what I feel HAS to be discussed and solved at night isn't really even that big a deal at 8 am the next morning.

Seems simple, but you'd be amazed how much conflict, strife, arguing, and total destruction of marriages occurs after 10:00 pm. I would even go as far as to say that most marriages are destroyed after 10:00.

So stop it.

Set an alarm at 10:00. After it goes off, stop talking about it. It's not important. It's not crucial. The things that upset you late at night have more to do with the fact that you are tired and hungry than they do with what actually happened. Husbands and wives, how many of you have argued into the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up and realize how stupid the argument was?

How many of us have said things in those arguments- lost our cool, lost our tempers- that we thoroughly regret? How many of you, had you tackled the problem in the morning after a good night's sleep, would have handled it much differently? How many of the things we argued about at night weren't even issues in the morning?

If most marriages are destroyed after 10:00, then refuse to destroy your marriage.

Nothing but sleep and sex after 10:00. If it's still an issue in the morning, which most of the time it won't be, tackle it then. You'll be amazed at how much better your marriage will be.

After 10:00 pm:

-Don't mention the clothes on the floor. Doesn't matter if it's the third time this week. Resist the temptation to make it an issue.

-Don't discuss problems with the kids. From 10:00 pm on, it's YOUR time as a couple. Resist the temptation to discuss kids.

-Don't discuss finances. It's not the time. Your bank statement and financial situation will be there in the morning. Don't discuss expenditures, debt, budget, etc after 10:00.

Simply enjoy each other. Sleep and sex only. Make the decision that those are the only two things allowed in the house after 10:00. You'll be amazed at how different your marriage will be.

Put it into practice and see what happens. Good night and God bless!

Ten little Christians . . . .

Ten little Christians, standing in a line,
One didn't like the preacher- then there were nine.

Nine little Christians stayed up very late,
One slept in Sunday morning- then there were eight.

Eight little Christians on the road to heaven,
One took the lower road- and then there were seven.

Seven little Christians got in an awful fix,
One didn't like the music- and then there were six.

Six little Christians seemed very much alive,
But one lost his temper- and then there were five.

Five little Christians wishing there were more,
But they quarreled with each other- and then there were four.

Four little Christians cheerful as could be,
Another lost his temper- and then there were three.

Three little Christians knew not what to do,
One joined the party crowd- and then there were two.

Two little Christians, our rhyme is almost done,
Differed with each other- then there was one.

One little Christian,  with courage and fire a-plenty
Preached the gospel, brother- and then there were many.

The most important trait of a parent

I grew up in a school system where 92% and above was an "A." 83% and higher was a "B," and so on and so forth. I thought that was a decently fair grading system (not that anyone asked me), because you could make a few mistakes here and there and still get good grades.

Someone who gets it right 95% of the time is probably a pretty successful person, right? I mean, 95% is a pretty high number for accuracy. I think all of us would like to have that kind of grade on life, wouldn't we?

Nope.

In many aspects of life, 95% is failing. It's a failing grade. So is a 99%. So is a 99.9999%.

What do you call a man who is faithful to his wife 99% of the time? An adulterer.

What do you call a woman who tells the truth 99% of the time? A liar.

What do you call a person who obeys the speed limit 99.95% of the time? A speeder (at least, the cop who pulls you over will think that).

What do you call someone who keeps his promises 90% of the time? Unreliable.

I've come to realize that the most important trait in life is consistency. We could list a bunch of good traits to have, such as honesty, faith, integrity, faithfulness, goodness, self-controlled, etc. Those are all fantastic traits.

However, without consistency, none of those matter. If you aren't consistently honest, if you aren't consistently faithful, if you aren't consistently self-controlled, then those traits are meaningless.

The biggest liar that you know probably tells the truth 75% of the time. That's a "C" on a grading scale. Not stellar, but at least its average. A cheating husband or wife, if you averaged out the days, was probably faithful 90% of the time at least. That's a high "B" in most books. Pretty good, huh?

No.

As I've grown older, the more I realize the value of consistency. Consistency- being the same person, exercising the same values, staying true to your core beliefs day in and day out over the course of a lifetime- is really the only thing that matters. There must be consistency in any person's life if they are to be successful.

This is especially true in parenting. My parents weren't perfect. However, they were consistent. Their values and their rules didn't change with the day, nor did their punishments when I screwed up. If they said I was grounded for two weeks, I was grounded for two weeks. They didn't change it after a day or two (as some parents do). Also, the rules didn't change with my parents' mood. I'm sure there were days when they didn't feel like enforcing the rules. It would have been easier just to let me get away with it. However, they stayed consistent.

What that did for me and my brother was it created security. Consistent parents create secure kids. When kids aren't left guessing as to when mom and dad will show up; if they aren't left guessing as to what will set mom and dad off this time; if they aren't punished one day for something and not the next, kids form a great sense of identity and purpose.

However, when consistency isn't there, it sets the kids up for failure.

I hear quite often about the tough time teachers nowadays have with kids in their classrooms. They spend far too much time being disciplinarians to children who are acting out. However, acting out is only a symptom of the problem. We treat the symptom and don't address the root cause.

I believe the root cause of so many discipline cases in schools is the following formula:

Inconsistency---> Confusion ---> Frustration ---> Acting Out. 

The child receives inconsistent messages at home. Doesn't know what is right or wrong; hasn't developed security of purpose and clarity. Therefore, the child is confused. If you've ever tried to accomplish a task that is confusing, or you don't know what to do, or haven't been given the tools to accomplish it, it quickly leads to frustration. That frustration boils over into acting out.

What we normally do is we punish the child. We send them to detention, put them in time out, etc. All that stops is the acting out. . . . .  for a time. It doesn't address the frustration felt by a confused kid who has had no consistency at home.

Parents, if you are having problems with your children at school; if they are constantly getting in trouble, if they don't respect authority and are causing headaches for teachers, coaches, and yes, even you, stop looking at the behavior. Follow the formula back to the beginning- does your child have consistency?

Is your word good? When you say you'll do something, do you do it? When you tell a child something, can he or she trust that it's the truth? Does he or she sleep in the same bed every night? Same bedtime every night? Do you consistently expect them to do homework, consistently eat meals with them, consistently talk with them?

Give your children the gift of consistency. It is truly what they need. When I look back on my time in my parents' house, I can honestly say that the gift of consistency was the greatest gift my parents gave me. I knew my dad would be home every night. I knew I would sleep in the same bed every night. I knew we would eat together as a family every night. I knew my parents' rules and I knew the punishments that would happen if I broke them. They had very few rules and they enforced them EVERY TIME. Consistency built me into the person I am today.

This world is dying for people who are consistent. Our homes needs consistent parents. Our businesses need consistent employees. Our churches need consistent members. Our spouses need consistent spouses. This world is full of flighty, unreliable, temperamental people who can't be counted on to do what is right. Don't be a person like that. Your children deserve better. So does your spouse, so does your place of employment, so does your church.

Give that gift to this world. Consistency is THE most important trait in life.

I used to have friends until about ten years ago. Then everything changed.

I just came to a realization a few days ago.

I used to have friends that I just did stuff with. Around eighteen years ago, my wife and I moved to Alabama to be part of a new church work down there. We had lots of friends in that church. Great people, all of them.

Same thing everywhere we've been. Well, check that. That was until about ten years ago.

About ten years ago, people stopped being friends. Well, that's a bit extreme. People still were friends . . . .  if you held the right opinions on political events. If you had the wrong ones, you were kicked out of the group, the family, the crowd, etc.

I look back on our time in Alabama. Some of the people in that church were very liberal. However, I didn't know that back then. No one cared what you thought about immigration, gun control, or same-sex marriage. We didn't talk about those things. They weren't important. Those things didn't even enter into the conversation. We just had fun together.

People who weren't alive back then can't believe that. For good reason. Now, that's ALL that matters.

Of course, those were the days before social media, before everyone had a platform to broadcast their opinion to the world and argue with those who had a different one. People were simply friends back then. Now they are either conservative or liberal, white or black, male or female, cis-gendered or non-binary, etc, etc.

I used to just have friends.

I used to have friends that would get together for dinner. We'd talk and laugh. We'd tell funny stories about our kids, about our spouses, about our families, about movies we saw. We'd make fun of each other and joke and laugh without any tension or worry that someone would say something wrong. No one discussed politics. No one claimed a statement was a micro aggression against them. No one even cared. It wasn't on the radar. We were just friends.

We weren't worried about offending anyone. Why? Because no one took offense. People understood fun and games, and people were able to live by the rule, "Take no offense when none is intended."

I miss those days.

I hope there is a way for us to get back to those days.

I'm sure that in 1860, America was as divided as we are now. People had to have opinions on states rights, slavery, secession, etc. There was no avoiding it.

Then the Civil War happened. Or War Between the States, depending on your geography.

Somehow, America was able to unite and be friends again after that terrible time of polarization. Maybe they simply got sick of all the arguing and fighting they saw. I'm there now. I'm sick of protests, of people constantly being offended, of arguing, of losing friends because I have the wrong political opinion, of being labelled and labeling and the constant headache and stress of always worrying about offending someone without meaning to.

Enough of the madness.

I used to just have friends. One by one, my friends with differing political opinions have left, unfriended, whatever; I don't see them anymore. Some of that is my fault, some of it is theirs. I think we've all gotten swept up in the madness of the last ten years. Unfortunately, I would imagine most of those friendships aren't coming back.

Maybe I'm just latching onto some petty nostalgia. Or maybe I'm really onto something here.

One thing is for sure- it would certainly be nice to simply be friends again.

Fathers and Daughters- Why Fathers Are Essential

One of the most chilling things that I have come across in researching the impact of fathers on their children comes from the realm of human trafficking. I read a story about a human trafficker in California who had been arrested and convicted. He freely told the press and the cops how he was able to recruit and basically enslave teenage girls, forcing them into prostitution and treating them like animals while he lived like a king on the money they made.

He said that his recruiting ground was the mall.

He would approach a girl, usually aged twelve to sixteen. He would ask them a simple question, "Where is your daddy?"

He said, "If they answered, 'He's over there,' or 'He's at work,' or something like that, I would walk away. However, if they said, 'I don't know,' or 'I don't have a daddy,' I had found my next worker."

The interviewer asked him, "What did that have to do with anything?"

He said, "Girls without their daddies were looking for a 'daddy.' I just became that. I gave them gifts. I gave them attention. I gave them money. I didn't have to kidnap them. I simply made them need me. Then they would do anything I demanded that they do. They actually loved me for it."

He said, "Girls that had their daddy didn't need what I was offering. They were immune. I didn't even bother with them."

If that doesn't send chills up your spine, I don't know what will. As a father of two daughters and someone who literally feels sick every time I hear of girls being trafficked like cattle, it makes me even more determined to be a strong presence in the lives of my children.

Mothers, this is nothing against you. Our families would be nothing without you. I would say that my wife has had more influence on who our children are than I have. Mothers are the heart and soul of the family, and I give them all the respect in the world for the work they do.

It's just that these girls that were trafficked had mothers. That didn't stop this slimeball criminal from recruiting them. It was the absence of the father that made them vulnerable to him.

Fathers, you are essential. You are invaluable to your children. Never stop fighting for them. Never stop guiding them. Never stop being present. You are of infinite value to your children.

Fathers, human trafficking is only one thing that we can help prevent. Reflect on the following statements and live them out:

1) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be held by a strong man. Hug your daughters. Let them feel your strength and your protection. Never let them wonder what it is like to be held by strong arms, because if they don't get it from you, they'll seek it out from another man, and you have no idea who that "other man" will be.

2) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be complimented and made to feel important by a man. Tell your daughters they are beautiful. Let your daughters know that they are worthy of your attention. If they don't get that from you, they will be vulnerable to the first man that comes along that provides that. That man may not have her best interests at heart.

3) Fathers, make sure your daughters know what it is like to be respected. Let them see you respect their mother and treat her as the child of God that she is. When she sees you treating her mother that way, she will learn that that is how women should be treated, and she won't accept anything less from any man that comes along.

4) Fathers, make sure that you model faith in God for your daughters. Let your daughters hear you pray, let them see you read Scripture, let them see you live your faith on a daily basis. Let them see what you believe to be right and wrong. Fathers, you are a HUGE factor in what your daughter will believe to be right and wrong. Show her what it means to be a person of faith. Let her see you rely on God. She will grow up to do the same thing.

Fathers, you are essential. Never underestimate your importance to the family. Never underestimate your importance to your daughters. The world may tell you differently. That's okay. The world is wrong. You are essential.

Why We Don't Take Care Of Ourselves

So many people don't take care of themselves.

In my home state of Kentucky, we have an obesity problem. We have a drug epidemic. We have people who get far too little sleep, eat too much, and exercise too little. We have people who rarely read, watch too much television, consume too much toxic social media, rarely have quiet time, and neglect prayer.

Why? Why do we not take care of ourselves?

I think I know the answer.

I was in the FF pod at the Fayette County Detention Center teaching my fatherhood class to a bunch of guys who have really not taken care of themselves. All of these men were struggling with addiction (and all of the unhealthy lifestyles that go along with addiction). I was trying to get across to these men the importance of caring for oneself. It wasn't clicking. I was actually getting frustrated because the guys simply weren't getting it.

Then I jumped on an analogy.

These were guys. Guys like cars.

I looked at one of them and said, "What's your favorite car?"

He answered, "2017 BMW."

I said, "3-series, 5-series, or 7-series?"

"7-series. In-line straight six, 333 horsepower."

I said, "What color?"

He said, "Royal blue."

I said, "Leather interior?"

"Yep. Tan."

I whistled. "Man, that's a nice vehicle."

I continued. "What if I put that on a flatbed, rolled up to your house, off-loaded it, and tossed you the keys? It's yours. Let me ask you a question- would you open to gas tank and pee in it?"

He looked startled. "No."

I said, "Would you dump a bunch of mud in the oil pan? Let your kids use the bathroom in the back seat? Key up the paint job?"

All the guys in the room were looking at me like I was crazy.

I said, "Why wouldn't you do those things?"

He answered, "'Cause it's expensive!"

I said, "You wouldn't do that for one reason- we take care of things we think are valuable."

There was a collective, "Whoa," from the room.

"Guys, if you take better care of your car than you take care of yourself, you've got your priorities wrong. As nice as that car is, it can't think. It can't love. It can't even move unless you start the engine and drive it. It can't reproduce, it can't make decisions- it isn't ALIVE."

"Guys, that car has value, but you all are INFINITELY valuable. I'm a Christian," I said. "I believe what the Bible says- that you and I are made in the very image of God. We alone bear His image. You are made up of seventy-five trillion cells, every one of which has over six feet of DNA. That DNA contains more than two billion individual instructions, written in the language of God, detailing who you would be down to the number of hairs on your head."

The guys were silent.

"Maybe the only thing you learn from this class is that you are valuable. We take care of things we think are valuable. If you've neglected yourself, it's simply because you haven't realized your value yet."

I continued, "Have any of you had family with Alzheimers?" Heads nodded. "It's awful. When your brain is gone, it's gone. It isn't coming back. Anyone have knee problems, heart problems, health problems?"

Nods.

"When your health is gone, guys, it's gone. It isn't coming back. Let's take care of ourselves, guys, not because we are obsessed, but because we, as people created in the image of God, are of infinite value."

I would like to say the same thing to you. All of us have things we value, and we automatically take care of them. If you take better care of your house, your car, or any other possession better than you take care of yourself, you have your value system messed up. You are infinitely valuable. You are made in the image of God.

Maybe today is a day where you make permanent changes to how you care for God's creation. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself like you value your body and mind. You'll miss them when they are gone. Value yourself- you as a human being are loved by God and are worth taking care of.

God bless you today.