News flash to parents: Your children aren't your friends

I have seen photos like this floating around facebook for some time:

Actually, a daughter is not a promise that you will have a friend forever.  Your daughter, or your son, is a promise that you will be a parent forever.

What I have found as a pastor who does a lot of family counseling over the years is that when mom and dad's relationship is distant or nonexistant, there is a tendency for either the mom or the dad to look for their spousal needs to be met through their children; sort of a "My husband won't love me, so maybe my child will" attitude. 

The results of this are terrible.  Mothers who are overly bonded to their children and rely on their children for friendship and/or partnership build up tremendous resentment in their children, especially in their sons.  We have a society full of men who are resentful towards women because of the emotional needs their overly bonded mothers placed on them when they were young.  Children who are overly bonded to their parents, especially their mothers, have problems forming other relationships and friendships.

We also have a generation of parents who would rather hang out with their kids than parent their kids.  Your children will have many friends in their lifetimes- they will come and go.  However, they will only have one mother and father.  They need discipline, wisdom, and yes- that will include you being "mean" or being a "jerk" sometimes. 

I had great parents.  Did I like them all the time?  No.  Were they "unreasonable," "mean," and "out to ruin my life?"  Absolutely.  Thank goodness they were.  Their best parenting moments were the ones I resented the most, because it would have been much easier to give in to the tantrums and whines of their youngest son.  Because they didn't, they formed my character. 

My dad didn't particularly care if I was happy.  Neither did my mom.  They didn't see friendship with me as a good thing or even a desirable thing.  If you asked my dad, "How important to you, as a dad, is being a good friend to your son?" he would have answered, "About as important as a good kick in the butt, which is what he needs." 

My parents were more concerned with me being GOOD.  They were more concerned with me having values, morals, and making right decisions than they were with my happiness.  They were more concerned with molding me and shaping me into a real man than they were about me fulfilling some kind of emotional need for friendship that was unfulfilled in their lives.  I thank them every day for that.

Maybe when we stop viewing our children as "promises that we will have friends forever" and begin viewing them as people that God has placed in our lives to parent, we will be on the right track.  Parenting our children is an important thing.  Being friends with our kids is not.

The Truth Doesn't Really Matter in America

I was watching the news, and the story about Attorney General Eric Holder and the Fast and Furious scandal came on.  The news anchor said something that stuck in my mind.  He said, "With 22 Republicans and 16 Democrats on the committee, they easily have 51%.  They have the votes." 

This touched off sadness within me.  I don't particularly like Eric Holder- I think he's a terrible Attorney General, but that doesn't really matter.  What makes me sad is the death of truth.  No one is interested in the facts of the case, it seems.  It just seems that the 22 Republicans will vote against him and the 16 Democrats will vote for him.

Shame on both parties.  If he's innocent, shame on the 22 Republicans for voting to charge him with contempt.  If he's guilty, shame on the 16 Democrats voting to not charge him with contempt.  When agenda trumps truth, something within us dies.  The part of us that is noble, pure, just, and right recedes and the part of us that is greedy, agenda-driven, and impure takes over.  Now, what we see in our country is the latter side of us run amuck.

Proverbs 17:15 says, "Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent - the Lord detests them both." God's word calls for justice- for the innocent to be acquitted and the guilty to be charged.  His word does not call for acquitting of people with the same agenda as us, nor for condemning people with different agendas as us.  His word calls for judgment based on truth.  


This is how we are supposed to make decisions- upon truth.  Sadly, fewer and fewer people in this country I love so very much have a hunger for truth. 

5 Things I Wish I Had Done in My Twenties

Now that I am closer to 40 than I am to 30, I look back and wish I would have done at least five things in my previous decade.  Hopefully you young twentysomethings out there will do these five things and find yourself in a better position when YOU are 38.  I wish I would have:

1.  Bought stocks.  The best time to invest money is in the early twenties so that it can grow with compound interest over the years.  The problem?  I HAD no money in my early twenties.  But, I look at finances now and wish I would have foregone some of the luxuries I felt I had to have and bought stocks.  Lesson learned.

2.  Worn sunscreen.  I'm now having to have pre-cancerous spots treated every year because I thought sunscreen was "stupid."  When my mom reminded me that I could get skin cancer when I was 40, I said, "Well, by the time you're forty, your life is pretty much over anyway, so who cares?"  Sigh.

3.  Found a mentor.  I've had to figure out most of ministry on my own, not because there weren't willing people ready to help, but because I didn't want to listen to anyone.  Now I am just figuring things out at age 38 that people could have easily shown me at age 23.

4.  Written more.  I have no real recollection of my children's early years.  They were such a blur, and we were literally holding on hour to hour.  Now that my kids are approaching the teenage years, I would really like to know what thoughts go on at each stage of fatherhood.  I also would like a record of my walk with Christ- my understanding of theology, Scripture, and who God is. 

5.  Become a Navy Seal.  Well, maybe not, but it would have still been cool.

Fatherless America

Yesterday was the annual reminder for so many kids that they are missing what other kids have.  A father.

Yes, we all have heard the statistics about men abandoning their responsibilities like scared children and running from the task of sacrificial love that fatherhood requires.  Yes, we have all heard the pep talks and the challenges of men needing to step up so that our nation will be healthy.


But yesterday I realized that our nation was missing ITS Father.


Children without fathers have it hard.  We all know this is true.  However, have we ever thought that nations without a heavenly Father have it hard too? 


It's all over the Bible.  The times when Israel walked with God and followed His ways were fantastic.  They had peace on all sides from their enemies, they prospered, and they felt the blessing of God in their land. 


Then they forgot. 


Then they walked away. 


Then they began to fail.


Is America Fatherless?  Well, the answer is yes and no.  Our Father has not abandoned us to the pursuit of His own pleasure or lack of caring.  He has not orphaned us as people nor as a country.


It's just that we as a nation don't want Him around- unless there is a terrorist attack and some of us get real religious and spiritual for about a week, while other of us blame Him for caring about us as much as we care about Him.


But the plain and simple fact is that we in America bear the marks of a fatherless child.  Most of us are trying to figure out life on our own, like fatherless children with no one to guide them.  Most of us are concentrating mostly on the immediate moment instead of thinking long-term with purpose (like children without a father's wisdom to guide).  We are engaging in behavior- spending habits, time-management habits, and destructive relationship patterns that lack the wisdom of an older, more mature person- most of which leave us empty and hurt.


Most orphans I know- if they knew they had a father waiting for them to return- would run like a bat out of hades to that father.  I just wonder how long America will orphan itself from the love, care, guidance, and discipline of our loving Heavenly Father. 

"But Daddy!  My backhand is my strongest stroke!" And she burst into tears.

My daughter Casey is a tennis buff.  She loves it- eats it, breathes it, loves it.  A little too much, it seems.  She got her first injury a few days ago.

Her left wrist was hurting, so we went to the doctor to find out what was wrong.  Turns out, it was not a big deal, but the doctor said, "No backhands for a few days."

I've been reading in John Eldredge's book "Walking With God" and remembered a story he shared about being thrown from a horse and breaking both arms the day before hunting season began.  He began ranting and raving at God for the misfortune.  Then, in the book, he said that he was so focused on what had been TAKEN from him that he missed the gift God had given him- time with family, refocusing on God, etc.

I asked Casey what she thought the gift in this situation was.  She looked at me like I had two heads.  "Gift?" 

I said, "Many times, we are so focused on what has been taken from us that we miss the gift God gives us."  I'm real original.  "So what is the gift in this situation?"

She said, "Maybe . . . . .  working on my forehand?"

I said, "That may be one of them.  Has this injury, and your impatience in dealing with it, maybe shown you that you are too driven when it comes to tennis and are in danger of making it an idol to displace God?"

How good are you at missing the gifts God gives you because all you can focus on is what has been taken from you?

I was never taught how to walk with God.

I'm sure that walking with God- going through life with the constant presence and leadership of the Holy Spirit- was talked about and read about in my early life, and I'm sure that there were people that tried to show me what it was like, but the plain and simple fact is that I completely missed the boat.

I remember sitting in class my first year in seminary and hearing the professor talk about the leadership of the Holy Spirit.  I felt like the Ephesian believers in Acts 19- Paul asked them, "Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?"  They answered, "We haven't even heard that there IS a Holy Spirit."

I would imagine that most people that flock to our pews on Sunday are in the same boat.  They get prayer, they get the Bible, they get worship, they may even get the whole giving/tithing thing, but most really don't get the Holy Spirit.  I completely understand- I didn't either and to some extent, still don't.  However, I will say that over the last six months, the reality of the fellowship of the Holy Spirit in my life has been astounding.

I am learning that the Holy Spirit speaks to me all day long.  He has directions and guidance for even the things that I think aren't worth His attention.  He speaks words of comfort when I am stressed or doubting.  He constantly points me to Jesus, constantly bringing my sins to the forefront of my conscience so they can be repented of, and constantly reshapes me into someone who literally knows the mind of Christ (John 16:14)

I think there are many stages that we go through as believers.  The first stage is simply one of getting your sins forgiven.  That's about all that is on the radar- how do I get my sins forgiven and get into heaven?  Stage 2 happens when we realize that simply having our sins forgiven and "going to heaven" doesn't really mean much unless there is life change to go along with it.  So, at stage 2, we begin trimming off bad behavior.  We stop cussing (at least in front of our Christian friends), avoid bad movies, preset K-love and Air-1 into our car stereos, and maybe even make some radical changes to lifestyles such as breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and/or eliminating addictions.

Stage 1 is all about getting new beliefs.  Stage 2 is all about getting new behavior.  I am not knocking these stages.  They are important and necessary and very, very Biblical.  However, a person who has only experienced stage 1 or stage 2 still doesn't get what Christianity is all about.

It isn't until Stage 3 happens that we begin to truly see Biblical Christianity.  Stage 3 is when the person learns to trust and listen to the leadership of the Holy Spirit.  God moves from being impersonal to very personal.  We learn to listen and hear God's voice.  We begin to see all of life through HIS eyes, not ours.  We become less and less concerned with doing the right things (and avoiding the wrong things) and begin to become more and more concerned with following His leadership from moment to moment, day to day, month to month, and year to year.

But people will say, "That's dangerous!"  Of course it is.  We all know people who have "heard God's voice" that have gone off and done stupid and crazy things.  That's why God set up the testimony of two witnesses as the way to ascertain truth.  In a Jewish court, no one could be convicted without the testimony of two witnesses.  In the same way, the Holy Spirit works with Scripture to give us the truth.  The Holy Spirit never leads us to things that contradict Scripture.

Today, listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit leading you and guiding you.  As you listen to His voice, allow the beautiful words of Scripture to work in harmony with His leading.  You will be amazed at the change in you.  You will be able to say, like the old hymn says, "How marvelous, how wonderful- and my song shall ever be/ How marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!" 

A Shocking Realization

Today I had a shocking realization.  I think it was straight from heaven- an epiphany, a Holy Spirit visitation, a "light bulb" moment, if you will.

I really love my wife.

Yep.  That's the realization.  Now, don't get me wrong- I haven't been estranged or separated or even neglectful of her.  We've been married almost 16 years and have been through good times and awful times together.

However, the immensity of my love for her hit me today.

We were sitting at Chik-fil-A for lunch (I've recently started making efforts to carve out more time for her during the day due to our crazy schedules in the afternoon/evening time), and it just hit me.  This is my bride.  This is my love- the mother of my children, the woman that I am traveling through this brief time on earth with, the passion of my heart, and the delight of my eyes. 

It made me realize how long it's been since I felt that. 

I think it is easy for married men such as myself, all the while wanting to be excellent husbands and fathers and NOT take our wives and families for granted, to slowly and unnoticeably allow passion to fade and be replaced by maintenance mode.  And because of the world we live in, "maintenance mode" is seen as an acceptable state to be in- I mean, at least we're not getting divorced, right?  In this world, anything above divorce court is seen as a great marriage.

I'll admit that even pastors allow maintenance mode to set in.  Yes, imagine that.  The high holy men of God are just as vulnerable to marital entropy as anyone else. 

I decided sixteen years ago that I would not settle for an average marriage.  I want a thriving marriage, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it a thriving marriage.  With three living children, a full-time pastoral job, part-time coaching, three kids in sports, and my wife with a part-time job, it certainly isn't easy to make a thriving marriage happen.  However, realizations like today make it possible and even desirable.

I hope that if I ever allow maintenance mode to set in again, God will wake me up.  Not by condemning or criticizing, but by waking me up to the love and passion I have for my wife.  I pray that God will do the same for all the married men and women out there as well.

God bless you all.