Why I Don't Tell My Kids They Are Good At Things

I know, I know. You're supposed to build the kids up. You're supposed to praise their accomplishments. You're supposed to encourage and compliment and show your kids that they are awesome. After all, Whitney Houston told us all that, "children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside," right?

I agree with all that, although I hate that song.

So, Dave, why don't you tell your kids that they are good at things?

First of all, my kids ARE good at things. They are good at a lot of things. They are outstanding students who are good at learning, studying, and earning good grades. They are athletes who are good at their respective sports of tennis and soccer. They are good at music.

They are good at a lot of things.

But I never tell them they are good at school. I never tell them they are good at sports. I never tell them they are good at singing, or playing an instrument, or anything else they are good at.

Instead, when I see that they are good at something, I tell them, "You must have worked very hard to be good at that."

I choose to point out the work that got them there rather than where they are.

This does something radical within them: it keeps them from feelings of entitlement and jealousy.

Entitlement is one of the most toxic feelings around. It's everywhere in America right now. We have an entire nation that thinks it is owed something simply for being here. People feel entitled to better jobs, the same possessions as their neighbors, the same standard of living as everyone else, and just about anything else you can name right now. I hear people criticizing wealthy people, who worked all their lives to achieve their fortunes, saying they don't deserve it and "I wonder who they climbed over on the way," and all that.

Entitlement.

Entitlement robs a person of joy. The most miserable people I know are people who feel they are owed something that they don't have. They are depressed, miserable, and are a pain to be around. I don't want that for my children.

I don't tell my kid she is good at tennis. Why? Because if she believes she is good at tennis she will not handle losing very well. If I repeatedly tell her, "You're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player," and she gets beat a few times, she will have a major problem making sense of what's going on. However, if I tell her, "You certainly have worked hard at tennis and look where that work has gotten you," and she loses a few matches, she'll realize that she simply needs to work harder. She doesn't feel entitled to win a match. She knows she has to work hard to win a match. That's a good life lesson- one that applies in all areas of life.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors we are rewarded for. Your kids will repeat behaviors that you praise them for. I want my children to be hard workers. Therefore, instead of emphasizing the natural ability or talent my kids have, I choose to reward the work they themselves put in. I want them to achieve success because of superior work ethic, not because of superior talent or ability. They won't have superior ability or talent in all areas. However, they can always have a superior work ethic in EVERYTHING.

Parents, begin complimenting the WORK behind your childrens' successes. Did your kid bring home a good report card? Don't say, "You're so smart." Say, "You must have worked very hard to get those good grades." Did your child perform well athletically? Say, "Look what all your hard work at practice and out in the back yard did for you." Did your child build something or learn a new skill? Say, "You are such a hard worker. Well done!"

I want my children to see the correlation between the work they put in on something and the success they experience. Teach them the right lesson. Don't tell them they are good at things. Tell them how the hard work they put in brought them success.

A person who sees the correlation between work and success will rarely feel jealous of another person. I want my children to see someone who is successful and automatically think, "Wow- that person worked hard to get there," not, "well, look at how easy they have it." I want my children to think, when they see someone who is successful at something, that they can do it too. I don't want my children to linger in resentment and bitterness because they believe life has been unfair to them, that success and work are NOT related, and that somehow they have been robbed of what is owed them.

People are where they are in life more often because of how much work they have done rather than how talented they are. At least in most cases. I want to build that thought process into my children. Every accomplishment they have I want them to learn how it was the work they did that was important, not how "good" they were at it.

By doing that, we can develop children (who will soon be adults) that have learned the correlation between success and hard work. Don't refer to them as "smart," "talented," or "good at ___________."

Refer to them as "hard workers," and watch them, with a clear belief that success and work are linked, go off and earn their own success.

Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy

If you ask parents today what they want for their children, the most common answer will be for them to be "happy."

That makes sense. We love our kids and, well, why not? Why not want them to be happy? Why not make that the focus? What- do you want them to be sad?

I don't want my kids to be sad, but I'm not real concerned with whether they are happy or not. That's not a goal of mine as a parent. Nor should it be for you.

Instead, I want my kids to have character.

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter which meant a "stamping tool." In ancient times, artisans would use a kharakter to etch carvings in stone or wood. This indicated a permanence (hence the saying, "etched in stone" meaning something unchanging and eternal) that was not changed easily or quickly. Character is a permanent etching on our children, meaning they exhibit consistency in belief, action, word, and thought.

Character is who you are when no one is looking. Character is what prompts you to give back money when the cashier has given you too much change. Character is what prompts you to tell the truth even when you could get away with a lie. Character is your undying sense of right and wrong; it is what motivates the employee to go the extra mile, what motivates the spouse to stay faithful through fifty years of marriage, what motivates the child to do his best work at all times.

That is what I want for my children.

A child with character becomes an adult with character. An adult with character will become a worker with character, a spouse with character, and a father/mother with character. This person will never have to worry about finding a job, being second-guessed by his or her spouse, or worry about an action coming back to bite them. A person of character will have, over the long run, doors of opportunity wide open, because a person of character can be trusted and therefore will experience a great life.

That's what I want for my children.

Parents, spend a little less time being concerned with your child's happiness and spend a little more time building their character. I would take a person of character any day of the week over a person of intelligence, a person of ability, or a person of wit. Intelligence, ability, and wit mean nothing without character behind them. If you truly want your child to be happy, spend time building their character, not their happiness.

When they have character, they will be happy. A person who is trusted by all, a person who is known for doing good work, a person who is known for getting the job done, a person who is known to be honest in all circumstances, a person who repeatedly and consistently shows respect to his or her elders . . . .  THAT person will be extremely happy.

My job as a parent isn't to ensure my kids' happiness. If they want to be happy, that's on them. It is up to them to be "happy." It is my job as a parent to build their character so that they have a permanent etching, something unchanging and eternal, about them.

When we raise children of character, they will in turn grow up to be happy. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. Emphasizing our childrens' happiness will not result in character. Too often, it leads to the exact opposite. Raising up a child with an emphasis on his or her happiness many times leads to a spoiled child who cannot handle life. That is a person of no character. Sadly, that is what is being seen more and more and more in today's world.

The well-intentioned goal of the American parent, for their children to be happy, has backfired. By emphasizing happiness over character, we have unwittingly raised a generation of children who are open to anything and everything that comes along; a generation who will fall prey to anything Hollywood or Facebook or mass media will tell them. By blurring the lines of right and wrong and instead emphasizing "whatever makes you feel good," we have hamstrung our children and robbed them of the very thing we as parents were tasked with giving them- character.

I want my kids to be happy. It's just that I want that happiness to come out of a life of virtue, of consistently making the right decisions, of being rock-solid in their beliefs and not compromising on who they are. I don't want their happiness to come from me. I want it to come from within themselves.

My job is to build character in my kids . . . .  and then let the happiness they experience in life flow from that.

The Ten o' Clock Rule for Marriage

One common experience that I hear from married couples is late-night arguing. It goes something like this:

At night, after the kids go to bed, husband and wife are tired. When couples are tired, things that aren't really a big deal BECOME a big deal: clothes on the floor, a chore that was forgotten, what little Billy did at school today, etc. Either husband or wife mentions this, and a discussion begins. The discussion becomes an argument. That argument goes on and on and on into the night, and by 2 am you aren't even talking about what started the argument- you're just mad.

True? It happens to just about every married couple I know.

Why does this happen?

Simple. Things become worse when you are 1) tired and 2) hungry. Late at night is the WORST time to discuss or solve anything.

That's why I propose a new rule in all households- the beautiful 10:00 rule.

The 10:00 rule simply says this- unless the house is on fire or someone is being murdered downstairs in the family room, it doesn't need to be dealt with tonight. After 10:00 pm, the only things that happen in this house are sleep and sex.

Most things that are "important" and "urgent" at 10:00 pm can be solved the next day, after a good night's sleep and breakfast. I've found that most of what I feel HAS to be discussed and solved at night isn't really even that big a deal at 8 am the next morning.

Seems simple, but you'd be amazed how much conflict, strife, arguing, and total destruction of marriages occurs after 10:00 pm. I would even go as far as to say that most marriages are destroyed after 10:00.

So stop it.

Set an alarm at 10:00. After it goes off, stop talking about it. It's not important. It's not crucial. The things that upset you late at night have more to do with the fact that you are tired and hungry than they do with what actually happened. Husbands and wives, how many of you have argued into the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up and realize how stupid the argument was?

How many of us have said things in those arguments- lost our cool, lost our tempers- that we thoroughly regret? How many of you, had you tackled the problem in the morning after a good night's sleep, would have handled it much differently? How many of the things we argued about at night weren't even issues in the morning?

If most marriages are destroyed after 10:00, then refuse to destroy your marriage.

Nothing but sleep and sex after 10:00. If it's still an issue in the morning, which most of the time it won't be, tackle it then. You'll be amazed at how much better your marriage will be.

After 10:00 pm:

-Don't mention the clothes on the floor. Doesn't matter if it's the third time this week. Resist the temptation to make it an issue.

-Don't discuss problems with the kids. From 10:00 pm on, it's YOUR time as a couple. Resist the temptation to discuss kids.

-Don't discuss finances. It's not the time. Your bank statement and financial situation will be there in the morning. Don't discuss expenditures, debt, budget, etc after 10:00.

Simply enjoy each other. Sleep and sex only. Make the decision that those are the only two things allowed in the house after 10:00. You'll be amazed at how different your marriage will be.

Put it into practice and see what happens. Good night and God bless!

Ten little Christians . . . .

Ten little Christians, standing in a line,
One didn't like the preacher- then there were nine.

Nine little Christians stayed up very late,
One slept in Sunday morning- then there were eight.

Eight little Christians on the road to heaven,
One took the lower road- and then there were seven.

Seven little Christians got in an awful fix,
One didn't like the music- and then there were six.

Six little Christians seemed very much alive,
But one lost his temper- and then there were five.

Five little Christians wishing there were more,
But they quarreled with each other- and then there were four.

Four little Christians cheerful as could be,
Another lost his temper- and then there were three.

Three little Christians knew not what to do,
One joined the party crowd- and then there were two.

Two little Christians, our rhyme is almost done,
Differed with each other- then there was one.

One little Christian,  with courage and fire a-plenty
Preached the gospel, brother- and then there were many.

The most important trait of a parent

I grew up in a school system where 92% and above was an "A." 83% and higher was a "B," and so on and so forth. I thought that was a decently fair grading system (not that anyone asked me), because you could make a few mistakes here and there and still get good grades.

Someone who gets it right 95% of the time is probably a pretty successful person, right? I mean, 95% is a pretty high number for accuracy. I think all of us would like to have that kind of grade on life, wouldn't we?

Nope.

In many aspects of life, 95% is failing. It's a failing grade. So is a 99%. So is a 99.9999%.

What do you call a man who is faithful to his wife 99% of the time? An adulterer.

What do you call a woman who tells the truth 99% of the time? A liar.

What do you call a person who obeys the speed limit 99.95% of the time? A speeder (at least, the cop who pulls you over will think that).

What do you call someone who keeps his promises 90% of the time? Unreliable.

I've come to realize that the most important trait in life is consistency. We could list a bunch of good traits to have, such as honesty, faith, integrity, faithfulness, goodness, self-controlled, etc. Those are all fantastic traits.

However, without consistency, none of those matter. If you aren't consistently honest, if you aren't consistently faithful, if you aren't consistently self-controlled, then those traits are meaningless.

The biggest liar that you know probably tells the truth 75% of the time. That's a "C" on a grading scale. Not stellar, but at least its average. A cheating husband or wife, if you averaged out the days, was probably faithful 90% of the time at least. That's a high "B" in most books. Pretty good, huh?

No.

As I've grown older, the more I realize the value of consistency. Consistency- being the same person, exercising the same values, staying true to your core beliefs day in and day out over the course of a lifetime- is really the only thing that matters. There must be consistency in any person's life if they are to be successful.

This is especially true in parenting. My parents weren't perfect. However, they were consistent. Their values and their rules didn't change with the day, nor did their punishments when I screwed up. If they said I was grounded for two weeks, I was grounded for two weeks. They didn't change it after a day or two (as some parents do). Also, the rules didn't change with my parents' mood. I'm sure there were days when they didn't feel like enforcing the rules. It would have been easier just to let me get away with it. However, they stayed consistent.

What that did for me and my brother was it created security. Consistent parents create secure kids. When kids aren't left guessing as to when mom and dad will show up; if they aren't left guessing as to what will set mom and dad off this time; if they aren't punished one day for something and not the next, kids form a great sense of identity and purpose.

However, when consistency isn't there, it sets the kids up for failure.

I hear quite often about the tough time teachers nowadays have with kids in their classrooms. They spend far too much time being disciplinarians to children who are acting out. However, acting out is only a symptom of the problem. We treat the symptom and don't address the root cause.

I believe the root cause of so many discipline cases in schools is the following formula:

Inconsistency---> Confusion ---> Frustration ---> Acting Out. 

The child receives inconsistent messages at home. Doesn't know what is right or wrong; hasn't developed security of purpose and clarity. Therefore, the child is confused. If you've ever tried to accomplish a task that is confusing, or you don't know what to do, or haven't been given the tools to accomplish it, it quickly leads to frustration. That frustration boils over into acting out.

What we normally do is we punish the child. We send them to detention, put them in time out, etc. All that stops is the acting out. . . . .  for a time. It doesn't address the frustration felt by a confused kid who has had no consistency at home.

Parents, if you are having problems with your children at school; if they are constantly getting in trouble, if they don't respect authority and are causing headaches for teachers, coaches, and yes, even you, stop looking at the behavior. Follow the formula back to the beginning- does your child have consistency?

Is your word good? When you say you'll do something, do you do it? When you tell a child something, can he or she trust that it's the truth? Does he or she sleep in the same bed every night? Same bedtime every night? Do you consistently expect them to do homework, consistently eat meals with them, consistently talk with them?

Give your children the gift of consistency. It is truly what they need. When I look back on my time in my parents' house, I can honestly say that the gift of consistency was the greatest gift my parents gave me. I knew my dad would be home every night. I knew I would sleep in the same bed every night. I knew we would eat together as a family every night. I knew my parents' rules and I knew the punishments that would happen if I broke them. They had very few rules and they enforced them EVERY TIME. Consistency built me into the person I am today.

This world is dying for people who are consistent. Our homes needs consistent parents. Our businesses need consistent employees. Our churches need consistent members. Our spouses need consistent spouses. This world is full of flighty, unreliable, temperamental people who can't be counted on to do what is right. Don't be a person like that. Your children deserve better. So does your spouse, so does your place of employment, so does your church.

Give that gift to this world. Consistency is THE most important trait in life.

I used to have friends until about ten years ago. Then everything changed.

I just came to a realization a few days ago.

I used to have friends that I just did stuff with. Around eighteen years ago, my wife and I moved to Alabama to be part of a new church work down there. We had lots of friends in that church. Great people, all of them.

Same thing everywhere we've been. Well, check that. That was until about ten years ago.

About ten years ago, people stopped being friends. Well, that's a bit extreme. People still were friends . . . .  if you held the right opinions on political events. If you had the wrong ones, you were kicked out of the group, the family, the crowd, etc.

I look back on our time in Alabama. Some of the people in that church were very liberal. However, I didn't know that back then. No one cared what you thought about immigration, gun control, or same-sex marriage. We didn't talk about those things. They weren't important. Those things didn't even enter into the conversation. We just had fun together.

People who weren't alive back then can't believe that. For good reason. Now, that's ALL that matters.

Of course, those were the days before social media, before everyone had a platform to broadcast their opinion to the world and argue with those who had a different one. People were simply friends back then. Now they are either conservative or liberal, white or black, male or female, cis-gendered or non-binary, etc, etc.

I used to just have friends.

I used to have friends that would get together for dinner. We'd talk and laugh. We'd tell funny stories about our kids, about our spouses, about our families, about movies we saw. We'd make fun of each other and joke and laugh without any tension or worry that someone would say something wrong. No one discussed politics. No one claimed a statement was a micro aggression against them. No one even cared. It wasn't on the radar. We were just friends.

We weren't worried about offending anyone. Why? Because no one took offense. People understood fun and games, and people were able to live by the rule, "Take no offense when none is intended."

I miss those days.

I hope there is a way for us to get back to those days.

I'm sure that in 1860, America was as divided as we are now. People had to have opinions on states rights, slavery, secession, etc. There was no avoiding it.

Then the Civil War happened. Or War Between the States, depending on your geography.

Somehow, America was able to unite and be friends again after that terrible time of polarization. Maybe they simply got sick of all the arguing and fighting they saw. I'm there now. I'm sick of protests, of people constantly being offended, of arguing, of losing friends because I have the wrong political opinion, of being labelled and labeling and the constant headache and stress of always worrying about offending someone without meaning to.

Enough of the madness.

I used to just have friends. One by one, my friends with differing political opinions have left, unfriended, whatever; I don't see them anymore. Some of that is my fault, some of it is theirs. I think we've all gotten swept up in the madness of the last ten years. Unfortunately, I would imagine most of those friendships aren't coming back.

Maybe I'm just latching onto some petty nostalgia. Or maybe I'm really onto something here.

One thing is for sure- it would certainly be nice to simply be friends again.

Fathers and Daughters- Why Fathers Are Essential

One of the most chilling things that I have come across in researching the impact of fathers on their children comes from the realm of human trafficking. I read a story about a human trafficker in California who had been arrested and convicted. He freely told the press and the cops how he was able to recruit and basically enslave teenage girls, forcing them into prostitution and treating them like animals while he lived like a king on the money they made.

He said that his recruiting ground was the mall.

He would approach a girl, usually aged twelve to sixteen. He would ask them a simple question, "Where is your daddy?"

He said, "If they answered, 'He's over there,' or 'He's at work,' or something like that, I would walk away. However, if they said, 'I don't know,' or 'I don't have a daddy,' I had found my next worker."

The interviewer asked him, "What did that have to do with anything?"

He said, "Girls without their daddies were looking for a 'daddy.' I just became that. I gave them gifts. I gave them attention. I gave them money. I didn't have to kidnap them. I simply made them need me. Then they would do anything I demanded that they do. They actually loved me for it."

He said, "Girls that had their daddy didn't need what I was offering. They were immune. I didn't even bother with them."

If that doesn't send chills up your spine, I don't know what will. As a father of two daughters and someone who literally feels sick every time I hear of girls being trafficked like cattle, it makes me even more determined to be a strong presence in the lives of my children.

Mothers, this is nothing against you. Our families would be nothing without you. I would say that my wife has had more influence on who our children are than I have. Mothers are the heart and soul of the family, and I give them all the respect in the world for the work they do.

It's just that these girls that were trafficked had mothers. That didn't stop this slimeball criminal from recruiting them. It was the absence of the father that made them vulnerable to him.

Fathers, you are essential. You are invaluable to your children. Never stop fighting for them. Never stop guiding them. Never stop being present. You are of infinite value to your children.

Fathers, human trafficking is only one thing that we can help prevent. Reflect on the following statements and live them out:

1) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be held by a strong man. Hug your daughters. Let them feel your strength and your protection. Never let them wonder what it is like to be held by strong arms, because if they don't get it from you, they'll seek it out from another man, and you have no idea who that "other man" will be.

2) Fathers, make sure that your daughters never wonder what it is like to be complimented and made to feel important by a man. Tell your daughters they are beautiful. Let your daughters know that they are worthy of your attention. If they don't get that from you, they will be vulnerable to the first man that comes along that provides that. That man may not have her best interests at heart.

3) Fathers, make sure your daughters know what it is like to be respected. Let them see you respect their mother and treat her as the child of God that she is. When she sees you treating her mother that way, she will learn that that is how women should be treated, and she won't accept anything less from any man that comes along.

4) Fathers, make sure that you model faith in God for your daughters. Let your daughters hear you pray, let them see you read Scripture, let them see you live your faith on a daily basis. Let them see what you believe to be right and wrong. Fathers, you are a HUGE factor in what your daughter will believe to be right and wrong. Show her what it means to be a person of faith. Let her see you rely on God. She will grow up to do the same thing.

Fathers, you are essential. Never underestimate your importance to the family. Never underestimate your importance to your daughters. The world may tell you differently. That's okay. The world is wrong. You are essential.