I am passionate about fatherhood.
I love my children, and I love being a father. I never knew that I could enjoy something so much. I love watching my kids grow, develop, learn, fail, make mistakes, learn from them, pick themselves up after a defeat, succeed, get in trouble, cause me to pull my hair out, and everything else that goes along with fatherhood.
I want to be the very best father that I can be.
There are all kinds of things fathers can do to make sure their children are the best version of themselves. We can be consistent. We can be loving. We can be disciplinarians. We can teach. We can be present in all aspects of the child's life. We can nurture, challenge, set the example, and do all of these things to help our children grow and develop into self-sufficient, confident adults.
However, the first responsibility- and might I add the most important responsibility- of fatherhood has nothing to do with the children. It has to do with the father himself.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to make this amazing frozen fruit salad. She would take orange juice, strawberries, bananas, and mandarin oranges and pour them into metal molds. Then she would stick them in the freezer, and a few hours later we would enjoy them. Unfortunately, one day I dropped one of the metal molds. When I picked it up, it was dented.
From that point forward, one of the four frozen fruit salads was deformed. It became a source of shame at the dinner table to be the one with the "dented" frozen fruit salad. From that point forward, the metal mold would produce dented, deformed reproductions of itself. It wasn't the fruit salad's fault. It was the flaw in the mold that kept its "offspring" from turning out right.
In the same way, all of us fathers are flawed. We are "dented molds" because of our sin. None of us are perfect, and therefore we can try the best techniques, the best strategies, the best everything of fatherhood, and yet we will fail in our efforts. The problem isn't the techniques- the problem is that the mold is dented.
Fatherhood's first responsibility, therefore, is to work within ourselves to make sure we are whole. The only chance we as fathers have is to place ourselves in the hands of God, allow Him to fix the dents, forgive us of our sin, and cleanse us of the toxic lines of thinking and emotional reactions and relational brokenness that so many of us carry.
If we do that, we can parent from a position of wholeness instead of a position of brokenness.
Society is tough on dads. Many of us aren't worth squat. I get that.
However, a lot of dads are truly doing the best they can. They have been wounded, broken, abandoned, criticized, and yet continue to love their children and want what is best for them. Their efforts, however, are based on a flawed foundation. Their first responsibility is to themselves- to make their lives whole, to fix the brokenness within themselves. Then, and only then, will they be able to father their children successfully.
This is probably the most neglected responsibility of fatherhood. We have too many images of the perfect dad down the street who gets his kids everything, who works 60 hours a week and yet has time to be at every sports event, play, school function, and church gathering. We see our kids' friends coming over with the latest and greatest gadget, and we put our efforts into providing our children with things, providing our children with time, etc.
What we need to do is step back, invest in our own healing, and then begin to parent from a position of strength.
I have seen this played out in my own life. Times that I have invested in myself- studying God's word, soaking in the wisdom of Proverbs, marveling at the example of Jesus, being challenged by the commitment of the early Christians- those are the times I do my best parenting. Those are the times I respond appropriately to situations that I would have previously handled very poorly. Those are the times I can more easily hear the Spirit's guidance for how to handle a hormonal teenage daughter, a child who forgot (again) to do something I asked, etc.
The problem is- it is not urgent to invest in yourself. Nothing screams for that attention. It is far more tempting to run around putting out fires than it is to intentionally stop "parenting" and invest in making yourself a better person, and therefore a better parent.
Fathers, your first responsibility is to yourself. Commit to fathering out of a position of wholeness rather than brokenness. I leave you with my favorite example of parenting:
I was on a plane getting ready to take off. The flight attendant was going through the boring "here's how to put on your seat belt" speech, and it got to the part that said, "If there is a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you are traveling with small children, first put the mask on yourself, then place the mask on your child."
I thought, "How horrible! If the parent cared about his kid, he should put the mask on the kid first!" But then I realized something. In that situation, the masks represented life. If the father, out of a sense of responsibility and duty, tried to save his kid first, they would both die. The father has to make sure, in that instance, that he has enough oxygen, and when that is in place, he can then save his kids.
The same is true of fatherhood today. If you try to "save" your kids without saving yourself, you AND the kid go down. If you parent out of brokenness, both your life and the lives of your children will be ruined. However, if you first take care of yourself, dealing with your issues and faults, then you will parent out of wholeness and strength, and the lives of both you and your children will be good.
I love my children, and I love being a father. I never knew that I could enjoy something so much. I love watching my kids grow, develop, learn, fail, make mistakes, learn from them, pick themselves up after a defeat, succeed, get in trouble, cause me to pull my hair out, and everything else that goes along with fatherhood.
I want to be the very best father that I can be.
There are all kinds of things fathers can do to make sure their children are the best version of themselves. We can be consistent. We can be loving. We can be disciplinarians. We can teach. We can be present in all aspects of the child's life. We can nurture, challenge, set the example, and do all of these things to help our children grow and develop into self-sufficient, confident adults.
However, the first responsibility- and might I add the most important responsibility- of fatherhood has nothing to do with the children. It has to do with the father himself.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to make this amazing frozen fruit salad. She would take orange juice, strawberries, bananas, and mandarin oranges and pour them into metal molds. Then she would stick them in the freezer, and a few hours later we would enjoy them. Unfortunately, one day I dropped one of the metal molds. When I picked it up, it was dented.
From that point forward, one of the four frozen fruit salads was deformed. It became a source of shame at the dinner table to be the one with the "dented" frozen fruit salad. From that point forward, the metal mold would produce dented, deformed reproductions of itself. It wasn't the fruit salad's fault. It was the flaw in the mold that kept its "offspring" from turning out right.
In the same way, all of us fathers are flawed. We are "dented molds" because of our sin. None of us are perfect, and therefore we can try the best techniques, the best strategies, the best everything of fatherhood, and yet we will fail in our efforts. The problem isn't the techniques- the problem is that the mold is dented.
Fatherhood's first responsibility, therefore, is to work within ourselves to make sure we are whole. The only chance we as fathers have is to place ourselves in the hands of God, allow Him to fix the dents, forgive us of our sin, and cleanse us of the toxic lines of thinking and emotional reactions and relational brokenness that so many of us carry.
If we do that, we can parent from a position of wholeness instead of a position of brokenness.
Society is tough on dads. Many of us aren't worth squat. I get that.
However, a lot of dads are truly doing the best they can. They have been wounded, broken, abandoned, criticized, and yet continue to love their children and want what is best for them. Their efforts, however, are based on a flawed foundation. Their first responsibility is to themselves- to make their lives whole, to fix the brokenness within themselves. Then, and only then, will they be able to father their children successfully.
This is probably the most neglected responsibility of fatherhood. We have too many images of the perfect dad down the street who gets his kids everything, who works 60 hours a week and yet has time to be at every sports event, play, school function, and church gathering. We see our kids' friends coming over with the latest and greatest gadget, and we put our efforts into providing our children with things, providing our children with time, etc.
What we need to do is step back, invest in our own healing, and then begin to parent from a position of strength.
I have seen this played out in my own life. Times that I have invested in myself- studying God's word, soaking in the wisdom of Proverbs, marveling at the example of Jesus, being challenged by the commitment of the early Christians- those are the times I do my best parenting. Those are the times I respond appropriately to situations that I would have previously handled very poorly. Those are the times I can more easily hear the Spirit's guidance for how to handle a hormonal teenage daughter, a child who forgot (again) to do something I asked, etc.
The problem is- it is not urgent to invest in yourself. Nothing screams for that attention. It is far more tempting to run around putting out fires than it is to intentionally stop "parenting" and invest in making yourself a better person, and therefore a better parent.
Fathers, your first responsibility is to yourself. Commit to fathering out of a position of wholeness rather than brokenness. I leave you with my favorite example of parenting:
I was on a plane getting ready to take off. The flight attendant was going through the boring "here's how to put on your seat belt" speech, and it got to the part that said, "If there is a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you are traveling with small children, first put the mask on yourself, then place the mask on your child."
I thought, "How horrible! If the parent cared about his kid, he should put the mask on the kid first!" But then I realized something. In that situation, the masks represented life. If the father, out of a sense of responsibility and duty, tried to save his kid first, they would both die. The father has to make sure, in that instance, that he has enough oxygen, and when that is in place, he can then save his kids.
The same is true of fatherhood today. If you try to "save" your kids without saving yourself, you AND the kid go down. If you parent out of brokenness, both your life and the lives of your children will be ruined. However, if you first take care of yourself, dealing with your issues and faults, then you will parent out of wholeness and strength, and the lives of both you and your children will be good.
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