Angry.
I do a lot of ministry with men, both inside the church and outside the church. I minister to men in small groups, in church, in prison, on the soccer field, and many other places. Many men, for some reason, describe themselves as angry.
Why?
Anger is simply an emotion. You would think that there would be equal numbers, therefore, of men who would describe themselves as sad, joyful, happy, angry, and whatever other emotions you can think of. However, this is not the case. If you were to ask most men what emotion they feel the most, they would probably say anger.
Are men biologically wired to feel anger more than women? No.
So why is this so common among men? The answer is actually very simple.
Men, like women, are created with emotions. Believe it or not, ladies, men feel an equal amount of emotion as you do. We get happy, sad, and depressed. We grieve, we feel afraid, we feel angry, we feel loving, we feel joyful- the entire range of emotions. Yes, we have them.
The problem is this- from the time we were young boys, we have been told that expressing emotions is girly. Weak. Spineless. Boys are routinely mocked for crying. I will admit that when my son gets hurt, I have told him, "Suck it up. Tough it out." I don't want him being made fun of on the playground or among friends. I don't want him labelled as a wimp or a sissy. It's rough out there for boys- believe me, I learned that the hard way.
So, from the time we were little, we were told that expressing emotions was weak . . . . except for one. One emotion was okay. One emotion that we had was not only okay to express- it was MANLY to express. What emotion was that? Anger.
No one called you girly for expressing anger. No one called you a wimp for expressing anger. Inside every man, there are currents of emotions, like rivers flowing. Grief, joy, love, pain, empathy, anger- all of these are rivers flowing within a man. However, all but one has been stopped up. So, every emotion a man feels (with some exceptions, of course) has only one outlet- anger.
Men, this is why we get angry when we experience loss. Society has taught us not to grieve, because that's not acceptable. However, the emotion is still there, so it is expressed as anger.
This is why, when I experienced the loss of my son, I expressed it as anger. I snapped at people who tried to be kind. I lost my temper at the smallest things; things that normally wouldn't be a big deal. Why? Because I was grieving. I had experienced loss, and I only had one outlet that I could use and still be a man. That outlet was anger.
Women, this is why your man may be "mad at the world." This is why he seems to be angry over the slightest things. If he has suffered loss, he might be expressing that as anger. If he is depressed, he might be expressing that in the form of anger. If he is stressed or worried or anxious, he is probably going to express it as anger.
Men, I understand what society has taught us. I understand not wanting to be seen as weak or vulnerable. I learned the same lessons you did as a kid. However, I am telling you that anger is not the answer. Anger is not helping our families, it is not helping us, it is not a more healthy expression of emotion, no matter how manly or socially acceptable it feels.
It is far better to simply acknowledge the emotion. It's going to be expressed anyway, so you might as well let it out. If you are grieving, then grieve. Don't get angry. If you are depressed, then be depressed. Don't get angry. There are healthy ways to express these emotions, which we all have, that don't lead to holes punched in drywall, road rage, words that you wish you could take back, striking loved ones, swearing, cursing your friends, and worse.
Women, realize that unless some major work of grace occurs in your man, or your sons, or other men you interact with, they usually have one outlet for emotion, and that is anger. If you are the target of that anger, realize that there might be something deeper going on, Use wisdom to discern whether it is true anger or if that anger is simply the expression of a different emotion. Try to help the men around you learn ways to express emotion in healthy ways that doesn't diminish his masculinity.
Lastly, men, if you have an anger problem, I ask you to allow the Holy Spirit to invade your heart. The Bible tells us that when the Holy Spirit enters our lives, the results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I want you to stop seeing anger as more masculine than love. Anger is natural, but most actions as a result of anger are immature, not masculine. A Godly man feels just as much anger as anyone else, but by the power of God, he is able to exercise self-control so that he doesn't do anything he regrets later on. We need fewer angry men in this world- our families need it, our marriages need it, our workplaces need it, and our churches need it. We need men who are fully alive in the Spirit of God- demonstrating love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to greater and greater degrees in life.
I do a lot of ministry with men, both inside the church and outside the church. I minister to men in small groups, in church, in prison, on the soccer field, and many other places. Many men, for some reason, describe themselves as angry.
Why?
Anger is simply an emotion. You would think that there would be equal numbers, therefore, of men who would describe themselves as sad, joyful, happy, angry, and whatever other emotions you can think of. However, this is not the case. If you were to ask most men what emotion they feel the most, they would probably say anger.
Are men biologically wired to feel anger more than women? No.
So why is this so common among men? The answer is actually very simple.
Men, like women, are created with emotions. Believe it or not, ladies, men feel an equal amount of emotion as you do. We get happy, sad, and depressed. We grieve, we feel afraid, we feel angry, we feel loving, we feel joyful- the entire range of emotions. Yes, we have them.
The problem is this- from the time we were young boys, we have been told that expressing emotions is girly. Weak. Spineless. Boys are routinely mocked for crying. I will admit that when my son gets hurt, I have told him, "Suck it up. Tough it out." I don't want him being made fun of on the playground or among friends. I don't want him labelled as a wimp or a sissy. It's rough out there for boys- believe me, I learned that the hard way.
So, from the time we were little, we were told that expressing emotions was weak . . . . except for one. One emotion was okay. One emotion that we had was not only okay to express- it was MANLY to express. What emotion was that? Anger.
No one called you girly for expressing anger. No one called you a wimp for expressing anger. Inside every man, there are currents of emotions, like rivers flowing. Grief, joy, love, pain, empathy, anger- all of these are rivers flowing within a man. However, all but one has been stopped up. So, every emotion a man feels (with some exceptions, of course) has only one outlet- anger.
Men, this is why we get angry when we experience loss. Society has taught us not to grieve, because that's not acceptable. However, the emotion is still there, so it is expressed as anger.
This is why, when I experienced the loss of my son, I expressed it as anger. I snapped at people who tried to be kind. I lost my temper at the smallest things; things that normally wouldn't be a big deal. Why? Because I was grieving. I had experienced loss, and I only had one outlet that I could use and still be a man. That outlet was anger.
Women, this is why your man may be "mad at the world." This is why he seems to be angry over the slightest things. If he has suffered loss, he might be expressing that as anger. If he is depressed, he might be expressing that in the form of anger. If he is stressed or worried or anxious, he is probably going to express it as anger.
Men, I understand what society has taught us. I understand not wanting to be seen as weak or vulnerable. I learned the same lessons you did as a kid. However, I am telling you that anger is not the answer. Anger is not helping our families, it is not helping us, it is not a more healthy expression of emotion, no matter how manly or socially acceptable it feels.
It is far better to simply acknowledge the emotion. It's going to be expressed anyway, so you might as well let it out. If you are grieving, then grieve. Don't get angry. If you are depressed, then be depressed. Don't get angry. There are healthy ways to express these emotions, which we all have, that don't lead to holes punched in drywall, road rage, words that you wish you could take back, striking loved ones, swearing, cursing your friends, and worse.
Women, realize that unless some major work of grace occurs in your man, or your sons, or other men you interact with, they usually have one outlet for emotion, and that is anger. If you are the target of that anger, realize that there might be something deeper going on, Use wisdom to discern whether it is true anger or if that anger is simply the expression of a different emotion. Try to help the men around you learn ways to express emotion in healthy ways that doesn't diminish his masculinity.
Lastly, men, if you have an anger problem, I ask you to allow the Holy Spirit to invade your heart. The Bible tells us that when the Holy Spirit enters our lives, the results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I want you to stop seeing anger as more masculine than love. Anger is natural, but most actions as a result of anger are immature, not masculine. A Godly man feels just as much anger as anyone else, but by the power of God, he is able to exercise self-control so that he doesn't do anything he regrets later on. We need fewer angry men in this world- our families need it, our marriages need it, our workplaces need it, and our churches need it. We need men who are fully alive in the Spirit of God- demonstrating love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to greater and greater degrees in life.
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