I've been married almost 19 years. I'm not an easy man to be married to, and my wife gets major props for not only staying married to me, but continuing to love me through all the difficulties we've been through. A ministry marriage is particularly difficult due to the fact that many times people are looking for your family to be the model and the example- the "perfect family."
So, a combination of me not being easy to be married to, plus a ministry marriage, has provided us with excellent opportunities to be in conflict. Over the last 19 years, however, we've learned a few things, and one of the things we've learned is this: there are two times when couples should never argue.
There are two times where nothing should be discussed other than the weather. Two times where unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, nothing should be discussed. If couples would avoid these two times, upwards of 90% of conflict could potentially be avoided. Ready for the two times? It's not rocket science. What I am about to say will seem so trivial, so minute, that many will disregard it. However, it's something I've learned slugging through the blood, sweat, and tears of marriage.
The two times are 1) When you are tired, and 2) When you are hungry.
That's it.
Sound simple?
If you are married, think back to the worst arguments you've had. I'm not talking about arguments over adultery or abuse or something monumental like that. I'm talking about arguments that you really don't know how they started, why they kept going, or why you were arguing in the first place. I would be willing to bet that in the vast majority of them, someone was hungry and/or tired.
It is wise for couples to pay attention to their physical state. The body, mind, and emotions are all connected. When you are tired and/or hungry, it does something to your emotions. You lose perspective. You are more easily irritated. You are more likely to say something you don't mean. You are more likely to carry an argument further than it needs to be carried, all the while stirring up more and more emotion, so that at the end of the two-hour argument, you haven't solved a thing and everyone is MUCH madder than when you started.
I was counseling a couple just last night. They expressed the fact that they were unable to communicate. Her words to me were, "He won't talk to me. When he does, he just blows up. Then I get angry, and we just keep going and going and going. I just don't know what to do anymore!" She was at the point of tears.
I asked, "When do these arguments take place?"
Their mutual answer, "Late at night. We don't argue in front of the kids."
So I said, "So, you wait until you are exhausted from the day to discuss things?" (Both work full-time).
He spoke up, "I can't stay up past 10. I am literally propping my eyelids open past 10, and that's when she wants to talk about everything I need to do, how I haven't done what I need to do, etc. I just want to go to sleep, but I can't, so I just lose it."
I said, "I want you all to do something for me. I want you to set an alarm at 9:30 pm. After 9:30 pm, the only thing that happens is sex and sleep. Nothing needs to be discussed at that point in time. If there is an issue, it can wait until the morning when you are well-rested and eaten breakfast. You will be AMAZED at how much better your discussions will be."
She spoke up, "But what if it is important?"
I said, "Unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, there isn't anything a 9:30 pm that can't be solved the next day. You just have to exercise self-control. I know you want to talk about it. I know you think it's important. BUT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT TIME. Your husband is tired. You are tired. You're both irritable. Neither of you is in the right state of mind to solve anything. Plus, by not exercising self-control, you are destroying your marriage."
I continued, "That doesn't mean you drop the matter. It just means that you attack the matter with a fresh set of eyes, a rested mind, a heart at peace, and a full stomach. You'll be amazed at how much smaller your problems seem when you are rested and fed. I want you to set the new house rule- nothing after 9:30 except sleep and sex. Replace those late-night arguments with some intimacy, and if there are problems, deal with them in the morning. Give it a shot and see what happens."
I recommend that for everyone. For all married couples- do not try to solve anything when you are hungry or tired. It doesn't work. It's not worth the irritable spiraling-out-of-control-we-don't-even-know-what-we-are-arguing-about-anymore fights each night. Most things aren't that big a deal anyway. Just go to bed.
Sometimes, the only thing you need is a new perspective on the problem, gained by a good night's sleep and a good breakfast. Try it and see.
So, a combination of me not being easy to be married to, plus a ministry marriage, has provided us with excellent opportunities to be in conflict. Over the last 19 years, however, we've learned a few things, and one of the things we've learned is this: there are two times when couples should never argue.
There are two times where nothing should be discussed other than the weather. Two times where unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, nothing should be discussed. If couples would avoid these two times, upwards of 90% of conflict could potentially be avoided. Ready for the two times? It's not rocket science. What I am about to say will seem so trivial, so minute, that many will disregard it. However, it's something I've learned slugging through the blood, sweat, and tears of marriage.
The two times are 1) When you are tired, and 2) When you are hungry.
That's it.
Sound simple?
If you are married, think back to the worst arguments you've had. I'm not talking about arguments over adultery or abuse or something monumental like that. I'm talking about arguments that you really don't know how they started, why they kept going, or why you were arguing in the first place. I would be willing to bet that in the vast majority of them, someone was hungry and/or tired.
It is wise for couples to pay attention to their physical state. The body, mind, and emotions are all connected. When you are tired and/or hungry, it does something to your emotions. You lose perspective. You are more easily irritated. You are more likely to say something you don't mean. You are more likely to carry an argument further than it needs to be carried, all the while stirring up more and more emotion, so that at the end of the two-hour argument, you haven't solved a thing and everyone is MUCH madder than when you started.
I was counseling a couple just last night. They expressed the fact that they were unable to communicate. Her words to me were, "He won't talk to me. When he does, he just blows up. Then I get angry, and we just keep going and going and going. I just don't know what to do anymore!" She was at the point of tears.
I asked, "When do these arguments take place?"
Their mutual answer, "Late at night. We don't argue in front of the kids."
So I said, "So, you wait until you are exhausted from the day to discuss things?" (Both work full-time).
He spoke up, "I can't stay up past 10. I am literally propping my eyelids open past 10, and that's when she wants to talk about everything I need to do, how I haven't done what I need to do, etc. I just want to go to sleep, but I can't, so I just lose it."
I said, "I want you all to do something for me. I want you to set an alarm at 9:30 pm. After 9:30 pm, the only thing that happens is sex and sleep. Nothing needs to be discussed at that point in time. If there is an issue, it can wait until the morning when you are well-rested and eaten breakfast. You will be AMAZED at how much better your discussions will be."
She spoke up, "But what if it is important?"
I said, "Unless the house is on fire or an axe murderer is threatening the children, there isn't anything a 9:30 pm that can't be solved the next day. You just have to exercise self-control. I know you want to talk about it. I know you think it's important. BUT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT TIME. Your husband is tired. You are tired. You're both irritable. Neither of you is in the right state of mind to solve anything. Plus, by not exercising self-control, you are destroying your marriage."
I continued, "That doesn't mean you drop the matter. It just means that you attack the matter with a fresh set of eyes, a rested mind, a heart at peace, and a full stomach. You'll be amazed at how much smaller your problems seem when you are rested and fed. I want you to set the new house rule- nothing after 9:30 except sleep and sex. Replace those late-night arguments with some intimacy, and if there are problems, deal with them in the morning. Give it a shot and see what happens."
I recommend that for everyone. For all married couples- do not try to solve anything when you are hungry or tired. It doesn't work. It's not worth the irritable spiraling-out-of-control-we-don't-even-know-what-we-are-arguing-about-anymore fights each night. Most things aren't that big a deal anyway. Just go to bed.
Sometimes, the only thing you need is a new perspective on the problem, gained by a good night's sleep and a good breakfast. Try it and see.
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