When the old hateful feelings come rushing back

Fridays are my sermon prep days. I finalize what I'm going to say, pray over it, get visual stuff together, and get really excited. I love to preach. I love it more than anything. I literally CANNOT WAIT until Sunday morning because I am so fired up about God's word and what it can potentially do in the lives of people listening.

So, this morning I was in full-blown sermon mode, and I noticed it was 12:00.  There is a great coffee shop right around the corner from our church, J's place, so I walked over there to get the most excellent sandwich available- the J's Gouda Melt with a bowl of hot chili.  Can't beat it on a cold day like today.

Anyway, I walked in extremely happy and feeling good, and something happened that changed that in a heartbeat.  

I saw the guy.

He was sitting with his back to me, but I recognized him immediately.

This was a guy that I used to go to church with. This also happens to be the one person I have never truly been able to forgive. This man made my life as a youth minister an absolute living hell. 

In this one instant, all of the hurtful things that he had done to me came rushing back: the three-page list that he had assembled citing everything I had done "wrong" (after going to kids in the youth group and asking, "What don't you like about Dave?") and presenting it to my boss, demanding my firing; the condescending way he had talked about my wife and children, the consistent harping and emails pointing out everything wrong, list after list after list of why I was not fit for ministry, etc).

My pulse quickened. My adrenalin kicked in. I'm sure my face turned red. He hadn't seen me yet. What should I do?

Should I duck out? Should I go over and talk? Should I stay there and pretend I don't see him?

This situation was made exponentially WORSE due to the fact that last Sunday I had laid out an incredibly brilliant sermon on why we have to forgive, what Jesus says about forgiveness, and how Jesus says that if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us.  

Dangit.  I hate it when God calls me to live out my sermons.  I'd rather just preach them.  But here I was. I'm sure this was no accident. This was God's specific appointment for me to see if I was capable of living out what I taught. Not only did He give me the opportunity to live it out, but He placed the person that I would have described as Public Enemy Number One, a man who, in my weaker moments, I described to a friend using the following analogy:

"If I had a gun with two bullets in it, and I was in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and him, I'd shoot him twice."

Well, I'm not a runner.  I'm a fighter, so there was no way I was just leaving.  Plus, I wanted some chili and a J's Gouda Melt. My gluttony was greater than my aversion to this guy, I suppose.

So I walked up to the counter, right past him. He looked over and I looked over at him. I waved.  He didn't.

I ordered my stuff, and then went and sat down, reading the book that I was reading.  Fortunately I had brought the book so I didn't have to sit there looking like I had nothing to do.

I texted my wife.  Told her about the entire situation.

And then, all of a sudden, I felt the urge to pray.  Not for myself.  For him.

For the first time since I entered the shop, I realized how bad he looked.  He looked awful. I hadn't seen him in about eight years, but it looked like he had aged about twenty. He looked tired. Looked like life had been difficult on him.

So I prayed for him. Nothing dismisses hurt feelings and angry feelings like praying for the one you can't stand.  I prayed for him, for his family, for his job, for everything I could think of. Then, in an incredibly Holy Spirit-led moment, I blurted out, "Lord, forgive me the same way I forgive him."

Wow.  Did I just say that?  Can I take that statement back, please?

See, deep down, I don't want God to forgive me the way I forgive others.  Especially him.  Especially this guy who made my life a living hell. A man to whom I had done nothing, yet who had poured pure hatred on me as long as he could.

However, that one line changed everything.  "God, please forgive me the same way I forgive him."

Lord, please feel towards me the way I feel towards this man.

Lord, please hold my sins against me the way I hold this man's sins against me.

Lord, please show me the same kind of love that I show this man.

Wow.  

In other words, I had to grow up.  Fast.  I had to release this man of his debts, the debts that I was holding onto, the ones that he had incurred against me. I had to do this, because that's what I want God to do for me.  In all honesty, what this man had done to me was nothing compared to what I have done to God.

We didn't speak- he continued to drink his coffee and I continued, from across the shop, to read and eat lunch. Finally he got up and left, not so much looking in my direction.

That's okay.

The Bible doesn't say we have to be friends.  The Bible doesn't even say we even need to be in the same room together. 

The Bible simply says to forgive.  

What that means for me is that this man doesn't owe me anything anymore. He doesn't owe me an apology.  He doesn't need to be hurt.  He doesn't need to experience what I've experienced at his hand. He doesn't owe me a debt. We are even.  Square.  Paid up. Level. The bill is settled. I no longer need to feel vindicated. I no longer need to get even. I no longer hate him.

If I were to see him again, would the fight or flight response kick in again?  Maybe.  I'm human. 

But does that mean he's my enemy?  No. He's not.

Does that mean I wish him ill?  Nope.

Does that mean I will talk bad about him or slander him?  Nope.

None of those things will happen, because I've forgiven him. I hope that I have forgiven him the way God forgives me. It may take awhile.  Maybe one of these days we might be able to be friends.  That will depend more on him than on me. I'm up for anything.

One thing is for sure, though- after I prayed that prayer, I felt free.  That's what forgiveness truly does- it sets you free.  Free from seething anger.  Free from planning bad things for the person. Free from the wound that was incurred. Free from the desire to get even. Free from the sleepless nights where you toss and turn planning your revenge. Free from physical symptoms of stress and anger.

Dear Lord, please forgive me the same way I have forgiven him.  That's a dangerous prayer. But it's a prayer that is pleasing to our Lord and Savior, who has forgiven the unforgivable in us, that we may go and forgive the unforgivable in others.