Why I Don't Tell My Kids They Are Good At Things

I know, I know. You're supposed to build the kids up. You're supposed to praise their accomplishments. You're supposed to encourage and compliment and show your kids that they are awesome. After all, Whitney Houston told us all that, "children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside," right?

I agree with all that, although I hate that song.

So, Dave, why don't you tell your kids that they are good at things?

First of all, my kids ARE good at things. They are good at a lot of things. They are outstanding students who are good at learning, studying, and earning good grades. They are athletes who are good at their respective sports of tennis and soccer. They are good at music.

They are good at a lot of things.

But I never tell them they are good at school. I never tell them they are good at sports. I never tell them they are good at singing, or playing an instrument, or anything else they are good at.

Instead, when I see that they are good at something, I tell them, "You must have worked very hard to be good at that."

I choose to point out the work that got them there rather than where they are.

This does something radical within them: it keeps them from feelings of entitlement and jealousy.

Entitlement is one of the most toxic feelings around. It's everywhere in America right now. We have an entire nation that thinks it is owed something simply for being here. People feel entitled to better jobs, the same possessions as their neighbors, the same standard of living as everyone else, and just about anything else you can name right now. I hear people criticizing wealthy people, who worked all their lives to achieve their fortunes, saying they don't deserve it and "I wonder who they climbed over on the way," and all that.

Entitlement.

Entitlement robs a person of joy. The most miserable people I know are people who feel they are owed something that they don't have. They are depressed, miserable, and are a pain to be around. I don't want that for my children.

I don't tell my kid she is good at tennis. Why? Because if she believes she is good at tennis she will not handle losing very well. If I repeatedly tell her, "You're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player," and she gets beat a few times, she will have a major problem making sense of what's going on. However, if I tell her, "You certainly have worked hard at tennis and look where that work has gotten you," and she loses a few matches, she'll realize that she simply needs to work harder. She doesn't feel entitled to win a match. She knows she has to work hard to win a match. That's a good life lesson- one that applies in all areas of life.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors we are rewarded for. Your kids will repeat behaviors that you praise them for. I want my children to be hard workers. Therefore, instead of emphasizing the natural ability or talent my kids have, I choose to reward the work they themselves put in. I want them to achieve success because of superior work ethic, not because of superior talent or ability. They won't have superior ability or talent in all areas. However, they can always have a superior work ethic in EVERYTHING.

Parents, begin complimenting the WORK behind your childrens' successes. Did your kid bring home a good report card? Don't say, "You're so smart." Say, "You must have worked very hard to get those good grades." Did your child perform well athletically? Say, "Look what all your hard work at practice and out in the back yard did for you." Did your child build something or learn a new skill? Say, "You are such a hard worker. Well done!"

I want my children to see the correlation between the work they put in on something and the success they experience. Teach them the right lesson. Don't tell them they are good at things. Tell them how the hard work they put in brought them success.

A person who sees the correlation between work and success will rarely feel jealous of another person. I want my children to see someone who is successful and automatically think, "Wow- that person worked hard to get there," not, "well, look at how easy they have it." I want my children to think, when they see someone who is successful at something, that they can do it too. I don't want my children to linger in resentment and bitterness because they believe life has been unfair to them, that success and work are NOT related, and that somehow they have been robbed of what is owed them.

People are where they are in life more often because of how much work they have done rather than how talented they are. At least in most cases. I want to build that thought process into my children. Every accomplishment they have I want them to learn how it was the work they did that was important, not how "good" they were at it.

By doing that, we can develop children (who will soon be adults) that have learned the correlation between success and hard work. Don't refer to them as "smart," "talented," or "good at ___________."

Refer to them as "hard workers," and watch them, with a clear belief that success and work are linked, go off and earn their own success.

Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy

If you ask parents today what they want for their children, the most common answer will be for them to be "happy."

That makes sense. We love our kids and, well, why not? Why not want them to be happy? Why not make that the focus? What- do you want them to be sad?

I don't want my kids to be sad, but I'm not real concerned with whether they are happy or not. That's not a goal of mine as a parent. Nor should it be for you.

Instead, I want my kids to have character.

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter which meant a "stamping tool." In ancient times, artisans would use a kharakter to etch carvings in stone or wood. This indicated a permanence (hence the saying, "etched in stone" meaning something unchanging and eternal) that was not changed easily or quickly. Character is a permanent etching on our children, meaning they exhibit consistency in belief, action, word, and thought.

Character is who you are when no one is looking. Character is what prompts you to give back money when the cashier has given you too much change. Character is what prompts you to tell the truth even when you could get away with a lie. Character is your undying sense of right and wrong; it is what motivates the employee to go the extra mile, what motivates the spouse to stay faithful through fifty years of marriage, what motivates the child to do his best work at all times.

That is what I want for my children.

A child with character becomes an adult with character. An adult with character will become a worker with character, a spouse with character, and a father/mother with character. This person will never have to worry about finding a job, being second-guessed by his or her spouse, or worry about an action coming back to bite them. A person of character will have, over the long run, doors of opportunity wide open, because a person of character can be trusted and therefore will experience a great life.

That's what I want for my children.

Parents, spend a little less time being concerned with your child's happiness and spend a little more time building their character. I would take a person of character any day of the week over a person of intelligence, a person of ability, or a person of wit. Intelligence, ability, and wit mean nothing without character behind them. If you truly want your child to be happy, spend time building their character, not their happiness.

When they have character, they will be happy. A person who is trusted by all, a person who is known for doing good work, a person who is known for getting the job done, a person who is known to be honest in all circumstances, a person who repeatedly and consistently shows respect to his or her elders . . . .  THAT person will be extremely happy.

My job as a parent isn't to ensure my kids' happiness. If they want to be happy, that's on them. It is up to them to be "happy." It is my job as a parent to build their character so that they have a permanent etching, something unchanging and eternal, about them.

When we raise children of character, they will in turn grow up to be happy. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. Emphasizing our childrens' happiness will not result in character. Too often, it leads to the exact opposite. Raising up a child with an emphasis on his or her happiness many times leads to a spoiled child who cannot handle life. That is a person of no character. Sadly, that is what is being seen more and more and more in today's world.

The well-intentioned goal of the American parent, for their children to be happy, has backfired. By emphasizing happiness over character, we have unwittingly raised a generation of children who are open to anything and everything that comes along; a generation who will fall prey to anything Hollywood or Facebook or mass media will tell them. By blurring the lines of right and wrong and instead emphasizing "whatever makes you feel good," we have hamstrung our children and robbed them of the very thing we as parents were tasked with giving them- character.

I want my kids to be happy. It's just that I want that happiness to come out of a life of virtue, of consistently making the right decisions, of being rock-solid in their beliefs and not compromising on who they are. I don't want their happiness to come from me. I want it to come from within themselves.

My job is to build character in my kids . . . .  and then let the happiness they experience in life flow from that.