Why Can't Christians Date/Marry Non-Christians?

I think Bruno Mars is one of the best current vocalists out there. Incredible range on that guy. I was listening to "Grenade" the other day and it sounded more like a country song than a pop song:

"I would catch a grenade for you/ throw my hand on a blade for you/ 
I'd jump in front of a train for you/ I would do anything for you
I would go through all this pain/ take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes I would die for you baby/ But you won't do the same"

The song basically tells how dedicated he is to his lady friend, and she doesn't return his level of commitment. This dysfunctional relationship is known as being, "unequally yoked" in Biblical language. Basically what it means that that the two people have differing levels of commitment to each other. When that happens, someone is going to get hurt. Badly.

As I listened to poor Bruno sing the blues about how unequally yoked he is with this woman, I thought of what the Apostle Paul talked about when he told Christians, in the context of relationships and marriage, not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

I've had this question asked to me many times, especially when I was a youth minister- "Can a Christian date a non-Christian?" The answer is a resounding "no." When I would tell young people that (or adults) I would immediately get accusations of being judgmental or something like that. The Christian concept of only dating other Christians isn't judgmental or bigoted. Far from it. God doesn't want you to hate anyone or exclude anyone because of bigotry.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian love each other? Sure.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian communicate and respect each other and all that? Sure.

It's just that any relationship where the people are unequally yoked is going to have major trouble.

Everyone is moving towards something in his or her life. What we prioritize is what we move towards. If you are a Christian, your number one priority is Jesus Christ. As you move towards Him, your life, your values, your goals, your lifestyle, etc all take on the will of Christ as revealed in Scripture.

A person who is not a Christian doesn't share that priority. His or her life is moving in a different direction. Whatever he or she prioritizes is what he or she is moving towards, be it family, career, money, friends, whatever it is. As that person moves towards his or her priorities, the lifestyle, goals, values, etc will take on the aspects of his or her priority.

As the relationship progresses, the two people move apart. He's moving in one direction towards his priorities, and she is moving in a different direction towards hers. That's why marriage experts tell us that most marriages die with a whimper, not an explosion.

For example, let's say a Christian is married to a non-Christian. One of the most common causes of conflict is how to spend money. As the Christian grows in maturity, he feels the need to be faithful to the Christian teaching of tithing and generosity. So, he proposes to his non-Christian wife that they take the first 10% of their money and give it to the church he goes to.

She doesn't share his monetary values. She would rather that 10% go towards paying off debt or saving for college or on a new car. They are unequally yoked in their beliefs, and as anyone who is married knows, conflicts about money are no laughing matter. They are the number one cause of conflict in marriage.

That is just one small example of what being "unequally yoked" in dating/marriage looks like. There are many other issues that will pop up if a Christian marries a non-Christian, such as raising the children in the faith, spending the summer vacation going on a mission trip instead of to the beach, prioritizing church on Sunday instead of sports, etc.

It's not that God wants you to discriminate or hate or be fearful of non-Christians when it comes to dating and marriage. It's just that marriage is difficult enough when the two people HAVE the same beliefs. He doesn't want His people to experience the conflict and pain of a marriage between two people who are unequally yoked.

So you say, Dave, that's marriage. But what about just casual dating?

I don't believe in casual dating.

I tell my children that unless you see yourself marrying this person at some point in the future, they aren't worth dating. If they don't have the characteristics that you would look for in a spouse- faith, honesty, respect for you and respect for themselves, etc then why would you waste your time? Casual dating, with no plans for marriage, will always lead to the inevitable breakup, and why get into something you know will end in a possibly painful way? There is no wisdom in it.

Marriages that last for the long haul involve two people who can communicate at the deepest level possible, who share the common foundation of their most deeply held beliefs. If you are a Christian, you should only marry a person who shares your most deeply held beliefs and who will challenge and encourage you in the things that are of ultimate importance to you. The deep connection between a husband and wife who are equally committed to God is a wonderful one indeed. It is what makes marriage so wonderful by those who have it. The absence of that foundation is what makes marriage so terrible for so many.

If by dating or marrying someone you have to hide or minimize your most deeply held beliefs, you are in for major trouble down the road. Therefore, the Christian who wants to maintain and grow in his or her beliefs will date/marry only those who are walking that same road. The secret to a great marriage is being equally committed, equally yoked, together.

Poor Bruno Mars, if he had any respect for himself, needs to get out of that relationship he's singing about in "Grenade." If two people don't share the same amount of commitment, you will experience all the pain he sings about in that song. The same is true for people who don't share a common faith. 

The Prayerless Christian

I'm not very good at prayer.

I'm decent at some things about the Christian life. I love to read the Bible. I love to preach. I love to counsel, blog, teach, do prison ministry, go on mission trips, encourage orphans, visit hospitals, etc. I really like doing those things.

I just don't pray much.

I wish I did. As a pastor, prayer is of utmost importance. Communication with God is essential not just for my life as a Christian but especially as a pastor. You might even be thinking, "How in the world does the guy lead a church without praying much?"

That's a good question. One I don't really have a good answer to.

However, I'm finding that I'm not the only one with this issue.

Christians are good at all sorts of things. They are good at loving people. Yes, they really are. I've never met a more non-judgmental, caring, kind, giving, loving group of people as Christians. I don't care what the media says about Christians- they are the best people I know. Christians are also great at giving. American Christians, last year alone, spent $5 billion of their own money rescuing orphans from poverty through organizations like Compassion and World Vision, not to mention smaller organizations like our Catalyst Orphanage in India.

Christians are good at going to church. Millions of Christians attend church every week. Many millions more attend conferences to hear good preachers, listen on podcasts, watch preachers on YouTube, etc. Christians are good at sharing their faith and making converts. If they weren't, Christianity wouldn't be the largest religion in the world.

Christians are good at forgiving. Egypt's Coptic Christians, recently the victims of church bombings and murder by ISIS, publicly forgave the murderers and said that they loved them, much to the amazement of the Muslim world. Their culture is one of honor where revenge is almost mandatory, yet the Christians refused to take revenge and instead forgave. Christians are good at that.

However, many Christians just aren't very good at prayer.

I don't think it's because we don't want to talk with God. Far from it. It's just that prayer doesn't fit very well into American culture. In order to truly be consistent at prayer, it takes time. Time and silence. Time and intentional removal of oneself from media, smartphones, video games, computers, iPads, etc. It takes a quiet room with no distractions. It takes time of listening, time of pondering, time of reflection and seeking. That, my friends, doesn't happen much in America.

Our overstimulated brains have been wired for constant input. Silence, reflecting, removal of all stimulation is enough to drive most of us crazy, almost like an addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

For me, I can't start to pray without movie lines, songs, etc flooding my brain. I try to focus on God and having a conversation with Him, and all of a sudden a scene from Blazing Saddles or Dumb and Dumber goes through my mind, and then I start singing, "Pour Some Sugar On Me," (can you tell which generation I'm from?) and then I'm taken back to high school and the times I would blast that song from my Jeep, then my mind cuts to everything that I have to do that day, urgent lists of things that MUST be done right now, and then . . . . . .

And then my prayer life ceases.

It's very frustrating, because I love God. I love His word. I love His fellowship and His presence in my life, and I want to be good at prayer. I want to be able to shut it all off and get alone with Him every day. I want all those things.

It's just that developing a real prayer life takes such discipline, such sacrifice, such . . . . .  UNPLUGGING from normal life that many of us simply can't, or won't, do it. It's just too hard. It's like asking an addict to lay down his dope. Our stimulation-addicted brains just can't handle an hour of quiet silence where the God of the Universe speaks to us and we speak to Him.

I've become convinced of one thing- prayerlessness in the life of the Christian is sin.

What?

Yes. I'll say it again. Prayerlessness in the life of a Christian is sin.

In his masterpiece work, A Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster writes: "Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives. The closer we come to the heartbeat of God the more we see our need and the more we desire to be conformed to Christ. . . .  Prayer- secret, fervent, believing prayer- lies at the root of all personal godliness." -Foster, p 33

If you don't connect with God personally through prayer, you will have a tough time living out the Christian faith. It's just too hard. Without experiencing the power of God through prayer, you will burn out. Quickly. Take it from me, a guy who continues to struggle with the absence of prayer in my life.

I've also found that sin and prayer are mutually exclusive. The person who prays stops sinning, and the people who sin stop praying. Sin and prayer can't occupy the same space in your life. Either one or the other will win out. To pray is to root sin out of your life. To sin is to root prayer out of your life. You have to decide which one you value and which one you want.

Most of all, prayer is what pleases our Heavenly Father the most. As a father myself, I love it when my children come to me and simply want to talk with me. No agenda, not needing anything- just simply wanting some of my time because they love me and they know that I love them. It is the same with our Heavenly Father. Time is our Heavenly Father's love language.

Maybe one of the reasons there is such spiritual opposition to prayer is that our adversary, the devil, fears a Christian with a close connection with God. Satan is unable to tempt and destroy a person who is in close communion with the Father. Maybe that's why prayerlessness is so prevalent in the church. Maybe that's why we are frustrated and burned out trying to do what Jesus says. Maybe that's why people drop out of church, feel "unsatisfied" with their church experience, or have never really experienced the true power of God.

Today, Christians, is the day to connect with God in prayer. Not to get things, not because you need things, but simply because you love God and He loves you.

The Powerful Gift of a Growing Mom and Dad

The longer I live, the more I realize the importance of mom and dad in the development of faith in their children.

I believe that youth ministry and children's ministry are good things. I was a youth minister for nine years before being demoted to senior minister. I am a big believer in churches investing in their young people with specific programs and ministries dedicated to reaching them.

However, youth and children's ministries are extremely limited in their ability to be effective. That's because youth and children's ministries were never intended to be the sole or even the major conveyor of spiritual truth to children. God set up the mom and dad to be the primary teachers of faith to their children- a job that is woefully neglected by most moms and dads.

Why is this?

I don't think it's because moms and dads are evil. Far from it. Moms and Dads love their kids and want what is best for them. I think it's something else.

I think most moms and dads have taught their kids everything they know about the faith. Which, at the end of the day, really isn't much in most cases. I would imagine that if most church people were honest, there hasn't been a lot of growth in them in awhile. Oh sure, they've picked up a morsel here and a morsel there, but if we were gut-level honest, many if not most parents who come to church every week haven't made significant steps in their faith in a long time.

They are most likely still struggling with the same sins they were several years ago. They probably have similar patterns of prayer, reading the Bible, and other practices of Christians. They probably are serving in the same capacity that they were years ago, if at all. They probably haven't led anyone to the Lord in several years, if at all. In other words, when it boils down to it, Mom and Dad just ain't growing much. Well, let's be honest- Mom and Dad just ain't growing at ALL.

So it's no surprise that their children aren't growing either.

However, what if that weren't the case?

I like to give gifts to my children. I like to give them money. I like to give them sports equipment so they can play their sports. I like to give my children lots of gifts. We give our children gifts all the time, as we should. However . . . .

Parents- are you giving your children the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

Do your children see you as a different person than they did last year, or two or three years ago? Did they formerly know you as a reactionary person who went off because of the slightest provocation, and now they know you as a person of peace and understanding?

Did they formerly know you as a person who slept in on Sunday morning and now see you as a faithful church member?

Did they formerly know you as a person who never really engaged in the mission of Christ but now see you taking mission trips and serving?

Did they formerly know you as a bitter, unforgiving, mean person who now is full of joy?

Did they formerly see you as a person who obsessed over money who now is very generous?

Did they formerly see you as a person with no control over his or her mouth who now speaks words of kindness and love?

The list goes on, but you get my point.

Have you given them the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

As a former youth minister, I wish all my former students had had growing Moms and Dads. I wish that they had seen, in their homes, the life change in their parents. I wish that my former students could have grown up in homes where the grace of God was being talked about, shared about, and lived out by growing parents.

I wish that parents would have taken their faith as seriously as they wanted their children to.

Parents, today, give the powerful gift of growing parents to your children. Notice I didn't say "perfect." I said, "growing." I'm not so much concerned with parents being perfect (none of us are) as I am with parents that are simply living with a stagnant, lifeless, out-of-sight-out-of-mind faith. Parents whose faith is lifeless are robbing their children of a precious gift.

However, parents whose faith is life-giving and growing are giving their children a powerful gift. By their example, they are showing the growth process that God expects of all Christians. They aren't just sending their kids to church to learn about it. They are living it out in front of them. That's the way God intended for faith to be passed on. That's the way our children grow.

And that's the way that we ensure the blessings of God- the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- are passed down to the next generation.