Why Can't Christians Date/Marry Non-Christians?

I think Bruno Mars is one of the best current vocalists out there. Incredible range on that guy. I was listening to "Grenade" the other day and it sounded more like a country song than a pop song:

"I would catch a grenade for you/ throw my hand on a blade for you/ 
I'd jump in front of a train for you/ I would do anything for you
I would go through all this pain/ take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes I would die for you baby/ But you won't do the same"

The song basically tells how dedicated he is to his lady friend, and she doesn't return his level of commitment. This dysfunctional relationship is known as being, "unequally yoked" in Biblical language. Basically what it means that that the two people have differing levels of commitment to each other. When that happens, someone is going to get hurt. Badly.

As I listened to poor Bruno sing the blues about how unequally yoked he is with this woman, I thought of what the Apostle Paul talked about when he told Christians, in the context of relationships and marriage, not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

I've had this question asked to me many times, especially when I was a youth minister- "Can a Christian date a non-Christian?" The answer is a resounding "no." When I would tell young people that (or adults) I would immediately get accusations of being judgmental or something like that. The Christian concept of only dating other Christians isn't judgmental or bigoted. Far from it. God doesn't want you to hate anyone or exclude anyone because of bigotry.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian love each other? Sure.

Can a Christian and a non-Christian communicate and respect each other and all that? Sure.

It's just that any relationship where the people are unequally yoked is going to have major trouble.

Everyone is moving towards something in his or her life. What we prioritize is what we move towards. If you are a Christian, your number one priority is Jesus Christ. As you move towards Him, your life, your values, your goals, your lifestyle, etc all take on the will of Christ as revealed in Scripture.

A person who is not a Christian doesn't share that priority. His or her life is moving in a different direction. Whatever he or she prioritizes is what he or she is moving towards, be it family, career, money, friends, whatever it is. As that person moves towards his or her priorities, the lifestyle, goals, values, etc will take on the aspects of his or her priority.

As the relationship progresses, the two people move apart. He's moving in one direction towards his priorities, and she is moving in a different direction towards hers. That's why marriage experts tell us that most marriages die with a whimper, not an explosion.

For example, let's say a Christian is married to a non-Christian. One of the most common causes of conflict is how to spend money. As the Christian grows in maturity, he feels the need to be faithful to the Christian teaching of tithing and generosity. So, he proposes to his non-Christian wife that they take the first 10% of their money and give it to the church he goes to.

She doesn't share his monetary values. She would rather that 10% go towards paying off debt or saving for college or on a new car. They are unequally yoked in their beliefs, and as anyone who is married knows, conflicts about money are no laughing matter. They are the number one cause of conflict in marriage.

That is just one small example of what being "unequally yoked" in dating/marriage looks like. There are many other issues that will pop up if a Christian marries a non-Christian, such as raising the children in the faith, spending the summer vacation going on a mission trip instead of to the beach, prioritizing church on Sunday instead of sports, etc.

It's not that God wants you to discriminate or hate or be fearful of non-Christians when it comes to dating and marriage. It's just that marriage is difficult enough when the two people HAVE the same beliefs. He doesn't want His people to experience the conflict and pain of a marriage between two people who are unequally yoked.

So you say, Dave, that's marriage. But what about just casual dating?

I don't believe in casual dating.

I tell my children that unless you see yourself marrying this person at some point in the future, they aren't worth dating. If they don't have the characteristics that you would look for in a spouse- faith, honesty, respect for you and respect for themselves, etc then why would you waste your time? Casual dating, with no plans for marriage, will always lead to the inevitable breakup, and why get into something you know will end in a possibly painful way? There is no wisdom in it.

Marriages that last for the long haul involve two people who can communicate at the deepest level possible, who share the common foundation of their most deeply held beliefs. If you are a Christian, you should only marry a person who shares your most deeply held beliefs and who will challenge and encourage you in the things that are of ultimate importance to you. The deep connection between a husband and wife who are equally committed to God is a wonderful one indeed. It is what makes marriage so wonderful by those who have it. The absence of that foundation is what makes marriage so terrible for so many.

If by dating or marrying someone you have to hide or minimize your most deeply held beliefs, you are in for major trouble down the road. Therefore, the Christian who wants to maintain and grow in his or her beliefs will date/marry only those who are walking that same road. The secret to a great marriage is being equally committed, equally yoked, together.

Poor Bruno Mars, if he had any respect for himself, needs to get out of that relationship he's singing about in "Grenade." If two people don't share the same amount of commitment, you will experience all the pain he sings about in that song. The same is true for people who don't share a common faith. 

The Prayerless Christian

I'm not very good at prayer.

I'm decent at some things about the Christian life. I love to read the Bible. I love to preach. I love to counsel, blog, teach, do prison ministry, go on mission trips, encourage orphans, visit hospitals, etc. I really like doing those things.

I just don't pray much.

I wish I did. As a pastor, prayer is of utmost importance. Communication with God is essential not just for my life as a Christian but especially as a pastor. You might even be thinking, "How in the world does the guy lead a church without praying much?"

That's a good question. One I don't really have a good answer to.

However, I'm finding that I'm not the only one with this issue.

Christians are good at all sorts of things. They are good at loving people. Yes, they really are. I've never met a more non-judgmental, caring, kind, giving, loving group of people as Christians. I don't care what the media says about Christians- they are the best people I know. Christians are also great at giving. American Christians, last year alone, spent $5 billion of their own money rescuing orphans from poverty through organizations like Compassion and World Vision, not to mention smaller organizations like our Catalyst Orphanage in India.

Christians are good at going to church. Millions of Christians attend church every week. Many millions more attend conferences to hear good preachers, listen on podcasts, watch preachers on YouTube, etc. Christians are good at sharing their faith and making converts. If they weren't, Christianity wouldn't be the largest religion in the world.

Christians are good at forgiving. Egypt's Coptic Christians, recently the victims of church bombings and murder by ISIS, publicly forgave the murderers and said that they loved them, much to the amazement of the Muslim world. Their culture is one of honor where revenge is almost mandatory, yet the Christians refused to take revenge and instead forgave. Christians are good at that.

However, many Christians just aren't very good at prayer.

I don't think it's because we don't want to talk with God. Far from it. It's just that prayer doesn't fit very well into American culture. In order to truly be consistent at prayer, it takes time. Time and silence. Time and intentional removal of oneself from media, smartphones, video games, computers, iPads, etc. It takes a quiet room with no distractions. It takes time of listening, time of pondering, time of reflection and seeking. That, my friends, doesn't happen much in America.

Our overstimulated brains have been wired for constant input. Silence, reflecting, removal of all stimulation is enough to drive most of us crazy, almost like an addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

For me, I can't start to pray without movie lines, songs, etc flooding my brain. I try to focus on God and having a conversation with Him, and all of a sudden a scene from Blazing Saddles or Dumb and Dumber goes through my mind, and then I start singing, "Pour Some Sugar On Me," (can you tell which generation I'm from?) and then I'm taken back to high school and the times I would blast that song from my Jeep, then my mind cuts to everything that I have to do that day, urgent lists of things that MUST be done right now, and then . . . . . .

And then my prayer life ceases.

It's very frustrating, because I love God. I love His word. I love His fellowship and His presence in my life, and I want to be good at prayer. I want to be able to shut it all off and get alone with Him every day. I want all those things.

It's just that developing a real prayer life takes such discipline, such sacrifice, such . . . . .  UNPLUGGING from normal life that many of us simply can't, or won't, do it. It's just too hard. It's like asking an addict to lay down his dope. Our stimulation-addicted brains just can't handle an hour of quiet silence where the God of the Universe speaks to us and we speak to Him.

I've become convinced of one thing- prayerlessness in the life of the Christian is sin.

What?

Yes. I'll say it again. Prayerlessness in the life of a Christian is sin.

In his masterpiece work, A Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster writes: "Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives. The closer we come to the heartbeat of God the more we see our need and the more we desire to be conformed to Christ. . . .  Prayer- secret, fervent, believing prayer- lies at the root of all personal godliness." -Foster, p 33

If you don't connect with God personally through prayer, you will have a tough time living out the Christian faith. It's just too hard. Without experiencing the power of God through prayer, you will burn out. Quickly. Take it from me, a guy who continues to struggle with the absence of prayer in my life.

I've also found that sin and prayer are mutually exclusive. The person who prays stops sinning, and the people who sin stop praying. Sin and prayer can't occupy the same space in your life. Either one or the other will win out. To pray is to root sin out of your life. To sin is to root prayer out of your life. You have to decide which one you value and which one you want.

Most of all, prayer is what pleases our Heavenly Father the most. As a father myself, I love it when my children come to me and simply want to talk with me. No agenda, not needing anything- just simply wanting some of my time because they love me and they know that I love them. It is the same with our Heavenly Father. Time is our Heavenly Father's love language.

Maybe one of the reasons there is such spiritual opposition to prayer is that our adversary, the devil, fears a Christian with a close connection with God. Satan is unable to tempt and destroy a person who is in close communion with the Father. Maybe that's why prayerlessness is so prevalent in the church. Maybe that's why we are frustrated and burned out trying to do what Jesus says. Maybe that's why people drop out of church, feel "unsatisfied" with their church experience, or have never really experienced the true power of God.

Today, Christians, is the day to connect with God in prayer. Not to get things, not because you need things, but simply because you love God and He loves you.

The Powerful Gift of a Growing Mom and Dad

The longer I live, the more I realize the importance of mom and dad in the development of faith in their children.

I believe that youth ministry and children's ministry are good things. I was a youth minister for nine years before being demoted to senior minister. I am a big believer in churches investing in their young people with specific programs and ministries dedicated to reaching them.

However, youth and children's ministries are extremely limited in their ability to be effective. That's because youth and children's ministries were never intended to be the sole or even the major conveyor of spiritual truth to children. God set up the mom and dad to be the primary teachers of faith to their children- a job that is woefully neglected by most moms and dads.

Why is this?

I don't think it's because moms and dads are evil. Far from it. Moms and Dads love their kids and want what is best for them. I think it's something else.

I think most moms and dads have taught their kids everything they know about the faith. Which, at the end of the day, really isn't much in most cases. I would imagine that if most church people were honest, there hasn't been a lot of growth in them in awhile. Oh sure, they've picked up a morsel here and a morsel there, but if we were gut-level honest, many if not most parents who come to church every week haven't made significant steps in their faith in a long time.

They are most likely still struggling with the same sins they were several years ago. They probably have similar patterns of prayer, reading the Bible, and other practices of Christians. They probably are serving in the same capacity that they were years ago, if at all. They probably haven't led anyone to the Lord in several years, if at all. In other words, when it boils down to it, Mom and Dad just ain't growing much. Well, let's be honest- Mom and Dad just ain't growing at ALL.

So it's no surprise that their children aren't growing either.

However, what if that weren't the case?

I like to give gifts to my children. I like to give them money. I like to give them sports equipment so they can play their sports. I like to give my children lots of gifts. We give our children gifts all the time, as we should. However . . . .

Parents- are you giving your children the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

Do your children see you as a different person than they did last year, or two or three years ago? Did they formerly know you as a reactionary person who went off because of the slightest provocation, and now they know you as a person of peace and understanding?

Did they formerly know you as a person who slept in on Sunday morning and now see you as a faithful church member?

Did they formerly know you as a person who never really engaged in the mission of Christ but now see you taking mission trips and serving?

Did they formerly know you as a bitter, unforgiving, mean person who now is full of joy?

Did they formerly see you as a person who obsessed over money who now is very generous?

Did they formerly see you as a person with no control over his or her mouth who now speaks words of kindness and love?

The list goes on, but you get my point.

Have you given them the powerful gift of a growing Mom and Dad?

As a former youth minister, I wish all my former students had had growing Moms and Dads. I wish that they had seen, in their homes, the life change in their parents. I wish that my former students could have grown up in homes where the grace of God was being talked about, shared about, and lived out by growing parents.

I wish that parents would have taken their faith as seriously as they wanted their children to.

Parents, today, give the powerful gift of growing parents to your children. Notice I didn't say "perfect." I said, "growing." I'm not so much concerned with parents being perfect (none of us are) as I am with parents that are simply living with a stagnant, lifeless, out-of-sight-out-of-mind faith. Parents whose faith is lifeless are robbing their children of a precious gift.

However, parents whose faith is life-giving and growing are giving their children a powerful gift. By their example, they are showing the growth process that God expects of all Christians. They aren't just sending their kids to church to learn about it. They are living it out in front of them. That's the way God intended for faith to be passed on. That's the way our children grow.

And that's the way that we ensure the blessings of God- the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- are passed down to the next generation.

America's moral decline threatens the very existence of a free society

News story after news story says the same thing: Americans believe that our nation is in moral decline. The last study I saw showed the 80% of Americans stated that America is worse off morally now than we were ten years ago.

It's interesting because it's not just one group of people saying that. It's not just conservatives who bemoan the direction of society. It's also liberals saying this. It's a rare thing these days for both liberals and conservatives to agree on something, but one thing is for certain- both say that America is in moral decline.

The problem, however, comes in the next question- what is "moral decline?"

That question would have been easy to answer fifty years ago. There was a common culture and a common understanding of what was right and wrong. It was generally assumed that a person should be honest- that lying, stealing, and cheating were immoral. It was generally assumed that adultery was immoral. It was generally assumed that sex outside of marriage was immoral (even though it happened quite often) and it was generally assumed that physical violence, except for self-defense, was immoral.

**NOTE**(I'm not talking about a return to the "good old days." Those days really didn't exist, other than in our minds. Immorality was around back then too. The difference between that day and today, however, is that at least back then when it happened, people agreed that it was wrong. That doesn't happen as much today.)

It was also generally understood that these morals came from God. These were not inventions of humanity. They were laid down in God's laws (think Ten Commandments) and were generally agreed upon by the majority of society.

That has changed radically.

Since the 1960s, moral relativism has taken root in America. When I was in school in the 80s and 90s, the prevailing thought was that "what is right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and what is wrong for you isn't necessarily wrong for me." How did this occur?

Easy. America moved its understanding of morality away from the absolutes of God.

With the foundation of God's law removed from the mind of society, morals became things that were philosophically appealing to the individual, not things mandated by a higher power with authority over our lives. Morality became personal, not universal. All of a sudden, if an individual found adultery philosophically appealing, regardless of what anything or anybody else said, it suddenly became okay. If violence was philosophically appealing to an individual, it suddenly became moral to commit acts of violence. After all, who are we to tell them they are wrong?

For example, the Antifa movement chants, "Any time, any place, punch a Nazi in the face." Well, is violence immoral? For Antifa, it isn't. It is perfectly moral for them, they believe, to commit acts of violence against "Nazis," which they define as anyone who thinks differently than them. They believe they are taking the moral high ground in acting violently towards them. They have created their own morality, and believe themselves to be on the side of good. Honestly, who are we to tell them they are wrong . . . . .  if we hold to moral relativism and say that what is right for you is not necessarily right for me?

So, in essence, we have no morals. We are left only with things that each individual places value on as "right" and "wrong."

How, then, do 80% of people in America say that we are in moral decline? What morals are declining, and honestly, why do we care?

Think about it- if right and wrong is determined by the individual, how can America be in moral decline? Answer- it can't be. Moral relativism states that right and wrong is up to each individual person, and therefore, no one can be immoral. The term "moral decline" implies that there is an objective standard from which we are moving downward. However, if all the people in a society are simply living out what they believe to be right, there can be no "moral decline."

America can only be in moral decline if morals are actually universal, dictated to us by an authority outside of ourselves, and non-negotiable. 80% of Americans, therefore, believe that there IS an objective moral standard out there, and we are moving downwards from it.

I agree with that assessment.

Churches used to be the conveyor of morals to a community. Fathers and mothers would communicate truths of the Bible to their children- "Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not lie, Do not covet, Honor Father and Mother, Don't use the Lord's Name carelessly, Remember the Sabbath Day, Do not worship idols . . . .  and the number one moral- YOU SHALL HAVE NO GODS BEFORE ME."

As our society has de-emphasized the role of church in a community, and with it the role of Christian morality, our society has suffered. Drug use is epidemic in America right now as people seek escape from life or just find a way to feel good. Divorce is rampant, tearing homes apart and growing entire generations of children raised in broken homes. According to the National Association of Shoplifting Prevention, there are 27 million shoplifters in America, or one out of every eleven people in this nation. Identity theft is the fastest-growing crime in America, ruining its victims for years and stealing away financial security.

Why do we care?

Because our entire way of life depends on it.

John Adams, one of the founders of this nation, upon his vote to ratify the Constitution of the United States, issued this warning- "This Constitution is meant only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for the the governance of any other."

John Adams knew that a free society would HAVE to be a moral society. A society where people had personal privacy, the freedom to move around, assemble, speak, practice religion, question the government, etc would have to be self-governed. A society that was characterized by immorality would necessitate a police state- a state resembling a prison where all behavior was monitored, no freedoms were granted, and the government kept a watchful eye on all activity.

This is why we care about America's moral decline.

I am as shocked and as saddened as you are about hearing about the terrorist bombing in Manchester, England. As of the writing of this blog, there is intelligence showing another terrorist attack is imminent. As disturbing as the bombing was, what truly bothered me were the pictures coming from England showing the English army soldiers patrolling the streets.

Armed patrols of military units decked out in tactical gear, usually only seen in war zones in Afghanistan and Iraq, are now on the streets of Manchester, England. They are walking through streets of a nation not at war, not under occupation, not being threatened by a foreign army. However, they might as well be. That looks more like a police state than a free society.

The only response the government has to morality is to step up policing and take away freedom. It's the only tool it has to counteract it.

We have immoral people committing acts of violence in school. The response is to have metal detectors and police officers in school.

We have immoral people stealing from shopping malls. The response is to have security officers, cameras, and increased surveillance.

We have immoral people threatening terrorist acts against us. The response is more government surveillance of email, social media, text messages, etc.

See, an immoral society, a society which cannot police itself, a society where violence and theft and lying and cheating are rampant, is begging for a police state. When the people cannot police themselves, the government will. As America slips further and further into moral decline, we will see more surveillance, more police, more National Guard, more laws, more rules, and more incarceration. We will lose the very freedoms we cherish due to the increasing immorality of our society.

This is why we care.

This is why parents must step up and teach their children the Biblical morals that were at one time woven into the fabric of our society.

This is why we must take seriously the Biblical mandate to discipline our children.

This is why we must stop believing this false philosophy of moral relativism that says morals are subjective and up to the individual- after all, could the Manchester bomber really be considered immoral or wrong? He was simply doing what he believed to be right. Who are we to judge, right?

This is why we must take seriously our commitment to our local churches. They need to become once again the moral voice in our communities, teaching right from wrong and training parents to teach their children right from wrong.

Our very way of life- our very society- hinges on the level to which we hold to morality. Right now it is in danger. It is up to us to turn it around.

"I had things to do . . . . "

I was in court the other day waiting for the trial of one of the graduates of my prison ministry program. There was a woman at the stand, talking to the judge. I had missed the first part of what was going on, but I quickly got the gist of what was going on.

The woman had been on probation and had missed her court date two weeks prior. Because of that, she had been arrested and put in the detention center for probation violation. There she was now, in an orange jumpsuit, talking to the judge.

The judge said, "Ms _______________, last Friday you were supposed to appear in court to have your supervised probation changed to unsupervised probation, basically meaning you were going to be free. No more checking with probation officer, free to leave the state, etc. I was going to set you free. Can you tell me why you failed to appear in court?"

She replied, "I had things to do."

I blinked several times. Did I just hear correctly? Did she just tell the judge she had "things to do?" I think the judge was as startled as I was. He was probably expecting some kind of excuse or reason, but I doubt he was expecting to hear that.

He took off his glasses, looked down, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and said, "Excuse me, did you say that you had 'things to do?"

She nodded.

He said, "This was a trial to SET YOU FREE. Do you understand that?"

She nodded and said, "I didn't think you'd mind."

The judge just stared at her.

The line from Forrest Gump ran through my head when Forrest went to see Bubba's family and Bubba's mom asked Forrest, "Are you crazy or just plain stupid?" (And of course, Forrest answered, 'Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am.')

Yes. Stupid is as stupid does. And what this lady did was stupid. I guess Forrest WAS correct. Stupid actually IS as stupid does.

The judge said, "The lack of respect shown to this court is upsetting me. You were going to be set free, but now I have no option but to charge you with probation violation as well as contempt of court. You were looking at six years, but were on probation. Now, your sentence of six years in the detention center is back. Good day."

A woman who was about to be set free from her sentence of six years got sent back to the slammer.

I tried to think of something that was so important that she couldn't show up in court- something so important that it was worth missing a judge's hearing to be set free from a sentence of six years in jail. Something so amazing and important and worthwhile and fulfilling and purposeful that it was worth going to jail for six years for.

I couldn't think of a single thing.

I shook my head as I watched this. What in the world was this woman thinking? But then I realized something. I wonder if that is what many people will say when they stand before God on the day of their judgement. God will look at them and say, "I died for you. I died for your sins. You were sentenced to hell because of the sins you committed. I took your sins on Myself and I wanted to set you free, but you didn't even show up. You never honored Me as God. You never acknowledged what I did for you. You couldn't make it to church for worship, just to say thank you. You refused to accomplish My Great Commission to go into all the world and make disciples. I had a purpose for you, gifts and talents I blessed you with and you didn't use them to honor Me or build up My church. There were children who needed adoption, but you never did. There were people who needed you and you weren't there. There were things I wanted you to do with My money (yes, it's mine, not yours) and you spent it on yourself. You went your own selfish way, never acknowledging Me as God. Why?"

I wonder if most people will respond, like the lady did, "I had things to do."

I'm racking my brain trying to come up with something so important, so meaningful, so pressing, so utterly essential to our being that would cause us to miss God's invitation to be set free from an eternity in hell. Something so important and so pressing that would keep us from His church. Something so dadgum essential to life that we would willingly go to hell for eternity for it.

I can't think of a single thing.

Yet, how many of us are missing it? How many of us will have nothing better to say to God than, "Well, I had things to do," when He asks us why we didn't show up? Why we didn't do what He wanted us to do? Why we were so busy that we couldn't make disciples, pass on our faith to our children, why we couldn't prioritize worship on Sunday mornings, why we couldn't stay faithful to Him?

So many of us take the glory of God so lightly. We think of God as so trivial. We think of His justice as no big deal. We think lightly of His sacrifice on the cross. We give a patronizing smile to the eternal consequences of sin and think nothing of it, saying the same thing the woman said to the judge, "I didn't think you'd mind." We think of God as a giant cosmic teddy bear, a large version of Mr Rogers, or a kindly old Captain Kangaroo who just doesn't mind in the slightest what we do because, after all, we have things to do.

People, nothing is worth eternity. It's time for us to take the glory of God seriously. It's time for us to take the sacrifice of Jesus seriously. It's time for us to realize that the justice of God is as real as His grace and the wrath of God is as real as His love. The earthly judge I saw a few days ago wouldn't put up with being held in contempt- do we truly think that our Heavenly Judge will put up with our contempt for His justice?

The woman thought the judge wasn't all that. It was obvious by her actions towards him that she had no respect for him or for his authority. She found out very quickly that she was wrong. Let's not be such fools when it comes to God.

Why I Don't Tell My Kids They Are Good At Things

I know, I know. You're supposed to build the kids up. You're supposed to praise their accomplishments. You're supposed to encourage and compliment and show your kids that they are awesome. After all, Whitney Houston told us all that, "children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside," right?

I agree with all that, although I hate that song.

So, Dave, why don't you tell your kids that they are good at things?

First of all, my kids ARE good at things. They are good at a lot of things. They are outstanding students who are good at learning, studying, and earning good grades. They are athletes who are good at their respective sports of tennis and soccer. They are good at music.

They are good at a lot of things.

But I never tell them they are good at school. I never tell them they are good at sports. I never tell them they are good at singing, or playing an instrument, or anything else they are good at.

Instead, when I see that they are good at something, I tell them, "You must have worked very hard to be good at that."

I choose to point out the work that got them there rather than where they are.

This does something radical within them: it keeps them from feelings of entitlement and jealousy.

Entitlement is one of the most toxic feelings around. It's everywhere in America right now. We have an entire nation that thinks it is owed something simply for being here. People feel entitled to better jobs, the same possessions as their neighbors, the same standard of living as everyone else, and just about anything else you can name right now. I hear people criticizing wealthy people, who worked all their lives to achieve their fortunes, saying they don't deserve it and "I wonder who they climbed over on the way," and all that.

Entitlement.

Entitlement robs a person of joy. The most miserable people I know are people who feel they are owed something that they don't have. They are depressed, miserable, and are a pain to be around. I don't want that for my children.

I don't tell my kid she is good at tennis. Why? Because if she believes she is good at tennis she will not handle losing very well. If I repeatedly tell her, "You're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player, you're a good tennis player," and she gets beat a few times, she will have a major problem making sense of what's going on. However, if I tell her, "You certainly have worked hard at tennis and look where that work has gotten you," and she loses a few matches, she'll realize that she simply needs to work harder. She doesn't feel entitled to win a match. She knows she has to work hard to win a match. That's a good life lesson- one that applies in all areas of life.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors we are rewarded for. Your kids will repeat behaviors that you praise them for. I want my children to be hard workers. Therefore, instead of emphasizing the natural ability or talent my kids have, I choose to reward the work they themselves put in. I want them to achieve success because of superior work ethic, not because of superior talent or ability. They won't have superior ability or talent in all areas. However, they can always have a superior work ethic in EVERYTHING.

Parents, begin complimenting the WORK behind your childrens' successes. Did your kid bring home a good report card? Don't say, "You're so smart." Say, "You must have worked very hard to get those good grades." Did your child perform well athletically? Say, "Look what all your hard work at practice and out in the back yard did for you." Did your child build something or learn a new skill? Say, "You are such a hard worker. Well done!"

I want my children to see the correlation between the work they put in on something and the success they experience. Teach them the right lesson. Don't tell them they are good at things. Tell them how the hard work they put in brought them success.

A person who sees the correlation between work and success will rarely feel jealous of another person. I want my children to see someone who is successful and automatically think, "Wow- that person worked hard to get there," not, "well, look at how easy they have it." I want my children to think, when they see someone who is successful at something, that they can do it too. I don't want my children to linger in resentment and bitterness because they believe life has been unfair to them, that success and work are NOT related, and that somehow they have been robbed of what is owed them.

People are where they are in life more often because of how much work they have done rather than how talented they are. At least in most cases. I want to build that thought process into my children. Every accomplishment they have I want them to learn how it was the work they did that was important, not how "good" they were at it.

By doing that, we can develop children (who will soon be adults) that have learned the correlation between success and hard work. Don't refer to them as "smart," "talented," or "good at ___________."

Refer to them as "hard workers," and watch them, with a clear belief that success and work are linked, go off and earn their own success.

Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy

If you ask parents today what they want for their children, the most common answer will be for them to be "happy."

That makes sense. We love our kids and, well, why not? Why not want them to be happy? Why not make that the focus? What- do you want them to be sad?

I don't want my kids to be sad, but I'm not real concerned with whether they are happy or not. That's not a goal of mine as a parent. Nor should it be for you.

Instead, I want my kids to have character.

Character comes from the Greek word kharakter which meant a "stamping tool." In ancient times, artisans would use a kharakter to etch carvings in stone or wood. This indicated a permanence (hence the saying, "etched in stone" meaning something unchanging and eternal) that was not changed easily or quickly. Character is a permanent etching on our children, meaning they exhibit consistency in belief, action, word, and thought.

Character is who you are when no one is looking. Character is what prompts you to give back money when the cashier has given you too much change. Character is what prompts you to tell the truth even when you could get away with a lie. Character is your undying sense of right and wrong; it is what motivates the employee to go the extra mile, what motivates the spouse to stay faithful through fifty years of marriage, what motivates the child to do his best work at all times.

That is what I want for my children.

A child with character becomes an adult with character. An adult with character will become a worker with character, a spouse with character, and a father/mother with character. This person will never have to worry about finding a job, being second-guessed by his or her spouse, or worry about an action coming back to bite them. A person of character will have, over the long run, doors of opportunity wide open, because a person of character can be trusted and therefore will experience a great life.

That's what I want for my children.

Parents, spend a little less time being concerned with your child's happiness and spend a little more time building their character. I would take a person of character any day of the week over a person of intelligence, a person of ability, or a person of wit. Intelligence, ability, and wit mean nothing without character behind them. If you truly want your child to be happy, spend time building their character, not their happiness.

When they have character, they will be happy. A person who is trusted by all, a person who is known for doing good work, a person who is known for getting the job done, a person who is known to be honest in all circumstances, a person who repeatedly and consistently shows respect to his or her elders . . . .  THAT person will be extremely happy.

My job as a parent isn't to ensure my kids' happiness. If they want to be happy, that's on them. It is up to them to be "happy." It is my job as a parent to build their character so that they have a permanent etching, something unchanging and eternal, about them.

When we raise children of character, they will in turn grow up to be happy. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. Emphasizing our childrens' happiness will not result in character. Too often, it leads to the exact opposite. Raising up a child with an emphasis on his or her happiness many times leads to a spoiled child who cannot handle life. That is a person of no character. Sadly, that is what is being seen more and more and more in today's world.

The well-intentioned goal of the American parent, for their children to be happy, has backfired. By emphasizing happiness over character, we have unwittingly raised a generation of children who are open to anything and everything that comes along; a generation who will fall prey to anything Hollywood or Facebook or mass media will tell them. By blurring the lines of right and wrong and instead emphasizing "whatever makes you feel good," we have hamstrung our children and robbed them of the very thing we as parents were tasked with giving them- character.

I want my kids to be happy. It's just that I want that happiness to come out of a life of virtue, of consistently making the right decisions, of being rock-solid in their beliefs and not compromising on who they are. I don't want their happiness to come from me. I want it to come from within themselves.

My job is to build character in my kids . . . .  and then let the happiness they experience in life flow from that.