What do you say to a friend that is hurting?
The answer might come as a shock to you, because it certainly did to me. The best thing to say to a friend that is hurting is nothing at all.
That's right. Nothing.
I've found that in situations where something awful has happened- the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, bad news, etc- there are no words that will really make a difference. As people, we realize this- when someone has just gotten news that the cancer is back and it's inoperable, or that their husband has just been killed in a car wreck, no combination of words will really do anything to help.
If we as human beings would just stop there- at realizing that there are no words- we would be in good shape. However, we don't. Because we don't know the words to say, we pull out cliches or say things that do the exact opposite of what we intend.
In the book of Job, the main character named Job suffered incredible loss. Death of all his children, plundering of all his wealth, destruction of his homes, etc. His friends heard about his troubles and set off to comfort him. The Bible tells us that when they saw him, no one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. They sat on the ground with him for a week, saying nothing.
It wasn't until they opened their mouths, trying to make sense out of what Job was going through, making logical arguments about the goodness of God and the presence of justice in the world, etc that they screwed up. If they would have just continued to sit there, their presence would have communicated far more than their words ever did.
That is what your suffering friends need. They simply need you to be there. Put your arm around their shoulder and sit with them- for hours if need be. Don't explain, don't try to help, don't try to provide anything other than simply your presence. There is a time for words and a time to be silent. When in doubt, err on the side of being silent.
One last thing- when something awful happens to someone, don't try to defend God. God doesn't need you to defend Him or His goodness. He doesn't need you to convince a suffering person of His nature with fine-sounding theological proofs. In situations of suffering, remember to let God be God. God's word tells us that He is close to the brokenhearted. You are not His spokesman or spokeswoman, so don't place yourself in that role. I wonder how many times God has tried to speak to the brokenhearted people around us, but they couldn't hear Him because we were drowning Him out with different words than what God wanted that person to hear at the time.
The first three rules of helping someone who is suffering are:
1) Shut your mouth.
2) Shut your mouth.
3) If you have a question, refer to rules 1 and 2.
Just be there.
The answer might come as a shock to you, because it certainly did to me. The best thing to say to a friend that is hurting is nothing at all.
That's right. Nothing.
I've found that in situations where something awful has happened- the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, bad news, etc- there are no words that will really make a difference. As people, we realize this- when someone has just gotten news that the cancer is back and it's inoperable, or that their husband has just been killed in a car wreck, no combination of words will really do anything to help.
If we as human beings would just stop there- at realizing that there are no words- we would be in good shape. However, we don't. Because we don't know the words to say, we pull out cliches or say things that do the exact opposite of what we intend.
In the book of Job, the main character named Job suffered incredible loss. Death of all his children, plundering of all his wealth, destruction of his homes, etc. His friends heard about his troubles and set off to comfort him. The Bible tells us that when they saw him, no one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. They sat on the ground with him for a week, saying nothing.
It wasn't until they opened their mouths, trying to make sense out of what Job was going through, making logical arguments about the goodness of God and the presence of justice in the world, etc that they screwed up. If they would have just continued to sit there, their presence would have communicated far more than their words ever did.
That is what your suffering friends need. They simply need you to be there. Put your arm around their shoulder and sit with them- for hours if need be. Don't explain, don't try to help, don't try to provide anything other than simply your presence. There is a time for words and a time to be silent. When in doubt, err on the side of being silent.
One last thing- when something awful happens to someone, don't try to defend God. God doesn't need you to defend Him or His goodness. He doesn't need you to convince a suffering person of His nature with fine-sounding theological proofs. In situations of suffering, remember to let God be God. God's word tells us that He is close to the brokenhearted. You are not His spokesman or spokeswoman, so don't place yourself in that role. I wonder how many times God has tried to speak to the brokenhearted people around us, but they couldn't hear Him because we were drowning Him out with different words than what God wanted that person to hear at the time.
The first three rules of helping someone who is suffering are:
1) Shut your mouth.
2) Shut your mouth.
3) If you have a question, refer to rules 1 and 2.
Just be there.
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