One of the things I loved about growing up was spending time with my grandparents. They were Great Depression-era, World War II-era Greatest Generation people, and they were awesome. I remember one thing in particular that always stood out to me because it is so very different than the way things are today.
My grandad told me that when he was a kid, when it was mealtime, the men ate first, the women ate second, and if there was anything left over, the kids ate. True story. Now, I'm not advocating a return to those times (although as a parent it sounds tempting at times) but the concept behind those times is the point.
My grandad grew up in a parent-centered home.
Contrast that to today. I would wager that most of us live in child-centered homes (those of you who are parents). At mealtime, parents fix their children's plates first. The children's needs and wants are first priority, not the parents'. The children's schedule dominate the family time. That's life in America in 2012.
And it's not good.
God designed the marriage to be the center of the family- the mom and dad. The parents are the given, not the children. The parents are the foundation of the home. When that is practiced, things are good. Believe it or not, children have the desperate need to know that they are not the center of the home. They need to know that they are not the focus and that their needs are not primary. This is a tremendous need that is not being met in child-centered homes.
Dave, you say, have you lost your mind? Of course the kids want to be the center! Yes, they WANT to be. I didn't say that they didn't. I said they don't NEED to be. There is a huge difference between what they want and what they need, and here are several reasons the kids NEED to know that the parents are the center of the family.
1. They need to know that they are not the most important people in the family. I will never forget the time my family was driving to South Carolina for vacation- 10 hours in the car. My brother and I were teenagers, and we were as tall as my dad. My mom is about 5'2" wearing heels. My brother and I were cramped in the backseat and we started complaining. We said that mom should be in the backseat because she was shorter so that one of us could stretch out a little.
I'll never forget my dad's response, because as a teenager it made me so angry. He said, "Boys, you all can just sit back there. My wife's place is up front next to me. She's not sitting in the back seat. So you all can just deal with it." Many years later, I realized what an honor that was to my mother. My dad was putting us in our place- we were not the center of the family. He and my mom were. As a teenager, I needed to know that. Their marriage was strong, and they were the center. That allowed me safety and stability knowing that the most important people in the family were mom and dad.
2. They need to know that their wants and desires are not going to be automatically met. When a family is child-centered, the children's needs and wants get first priority. Thus, the child grows up believing that someone else is responsible for their happiness. Someone else is responsible if they are not happy, or fulfilled, or whatever. This trains a child to be dependent on others. This is a terrible thing to do to a child.
A child whose needs and wants (and I use the term "needs" loosely- I am not talking about food, water, shelter, etc) are not automatically met and are instead put on a lower priority than the parents' wants learns how to depend on himself or herself. He or she learns patience and the concept of delayed gratification- two things essential for adulthood. He or she learns the beauty of the word, "no," which is something that children from child-centered homes rarely hear.
The purpose of parenting is to prepare children for adulthood. If an adult wants something, unless he is still living in mommy's basement and can ring a bell for room service, the adult has to go get it himself. This is a skill that children must start learning at a young age. When children learn that THEY are primarily responsible for their happiness and fulfillment, they are being set up well for adulthood.
3. They need to realize that they are part of something larger than themselves. Children need to know that their false world of Facebook, video games, and cell phones in which they are the center of reality is not real life. Healthy, well-adjusted people realize that they are part of something larger than themselves, be it a family, a company, a group of friends, a church, or whatever.
This concept of being part of something bigger than themselves starts in the home. If it is not learned there, they will have major difficulty learning it elsewhere. If the child grows up in a home where he is the center of it all, he or will think that is true everywhere he goes. He will think he is the center of the classroom at school (we've all seen kids like that- YIKES). He will think he is the center of any sports team he is on. If it continues, he will think he is the center of any relationship he is in, and a me-centered person doesn't last long in marriage.
I am advocating a return to parent-centered parenting. Parents, do not apologize for communicating to your children, in a loving but firm way, that they are not the most important people in the home. Re-prioritize your schedule with your needs and wants first, then the child's. This will mean saying "no" a lot more. However, it will be excellent for your child. It will be excellent for your home. You are not your children's servant. Stop acting like it. In fact, they NEED you to stop acting like it.
Begin parenting your child like you are preparing them for adulthood, not like you are trying to be "fun" or "nice" or "trying to make sure they are happy." If your child wants to be happy, that's his or her responsibility. Your job is to prepare them for adulthood. Become a parent-centered parent and begin leading a parent-centered home. Believe me, your kids need this. So do you.
My grandad told me that when he was a kid, when it was mealtime, the men ate first, the women ate second, and if there was anything left over, the kids ate. True story. Now, I'm not advocating a return to those times (although as a parent it sounds tempting at times) but the concept behind those times is the point.
My grandad grew up in a parent-centered home.
Contrast that to today. I would wager that most of us live in child-centered homes (those of you who are parents). At mealtime, parents fix their children's plates first. The children's needs and wants are first priority, not the parents'. The children's schedule dominate the family time. That's life in America in 2012.
And it's not good.
God designed the marriage to be the center of the family- the mom and dad. The parents are the given, not the children. The parents are the foundation of the home. When that is practiced, things are good. Believe it or not, children have the desperate need to know that they are not the center of the home. They need to know that they are not the focus and that their needs are not primary. This is a tremendous need that is not being met in child-centered homes.
Dave, you say, have you lost your mind? Of course the kids want to be the center! Yes, they WANT to be. I didn't say that they didn't. I said they don't NEED to be. There is a huge difference between what they want and what they need, and here are several reasons the kids NEED to know that the parents are the center of the family.
1. They need to know that they are not the most important people in the family. I will never forget the time my family was driving to South Carolina for vacation- 10 hours in the car. My brother and I were teenagers, and we were as tall as my dad. My mom is about 5'2" wearing heels. My brother and I were cramped in the backseat and we started complaining. We said that mom should be in the backseat because she was shorter so that one of us could stretch out a little.
I'll never forget my dad's response, because as a teenager it made me so angry. He said, "Boys, you all can just sit back there. My wife's place is up front next to me. She's not sitting in the back seat. So you all can just deal with it." Many years later, I realized what an honor that was to my mother. My dad was putting us in our place- we were not the center of the family. He and my mom were. As a teenager, I needed to know that. Their marriage was strong, and they were the center. That allowed me safety and stability knowing that the most important people in the family were mom and dad.
2. They need to know that their wants and desires are not going to be automatically met. When a family is child-centered, the children's needs and wants get first priority. Thus, the child grows up believing that someone else is responsible for their happiness. Someone else is responsible if they are not happy, or fulfilled, or whatever. This trains a child to be dependent on others. This is a terrible thing to do to a child.
A child whose needs and wants (and I use the term "needs" loosely- I am not talking about food, water, shelter, etc) are not automatically met and are instead put on a lower priority than the parents' wants learns how to depend on himself or herself. He or she learns patience and the concept of delayed gratification- two things essential for adulthood. He or she learns the beauty of the word, "no," which is something that children from child-centered homes rarely hear.
The purpose of parenting is to prepare children for adulthood. If an adult wants something, unless he is still living in mommy's basement and can ring a bell for room service, the adult has to go get it himself. This is a skill that children must start learning at a young age. When children learn that THEY are primarily responsible for their happiness and fulfillment, they are being set up well for adulthood.
3. They need to realize that they are part of something larger than themselves. Children need to know that their false world of Facebook, video games, and cell phones in which they are the center of reality is not real life. Healthy, well-adjusted people realize that they are part of something larger than themselves, be it a family, a company, a group of friends, a church, or whatever.
This concept of being part of something bigger than themselves starts in the home. If it is not learned there, they will have major difficulty learning it elsewhere. If the child grows up in a home where he is the center of it all, he or will think that is true everywhere he goes. He will think he is the center of the classroom at school (we've all seen kids like that- YIKES). He will think he is the center of any sports team he is on. If it continues, he will think he is the center of any relationship he is in, and a me-centered person doesn't last long in marriage.
I am advocating a return to parent-centered parenting. Parents, do not apologize for communicating to your children, in a loving but firm way, that they are not the most important people in the home. Re-prioritize your schedule with your needs and wants first, then the child's. This will mean saying "no" a lot more. However, it will be excellent for your child. It will be excellent for your home. You are not your children's servant. Stop acting like it. In fact, they NEED you to stop acting like it.
Begin parenting your child like you are preparing them for adulthood, not like you are trying to be "fun" or "nice" or "trying to make sure they are happy." If your child wants to be happy, that's his or her responsibility. Your job is to prepare them for adulthood. Become a parent-centered parent and begin leading a parent-centered home. Believe me, your kids need this. So do you.
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